On Saturday morning, the Axel Adventurers Guild still smelled of cheap ale and sweat.
Kōichi and Kazuma, the dark circles under their eyes not yet fully faded, kicked open the guild doors with murderous momentum.
Their gazes swept across the tavern and locked precisely onto Dust, who was sitting in a corner, gnawing on a fried chicken leg while bragging to a few rookie Adventurers about how calmly he had chatted away on the execution ground.
"Du!!st!!"
Kazuma let out a demonic roar, lunged forward, grabbed Dust by the neck, and shook him violently.
"You bastard! Give us back our conscience! Give us back the vitality we lost last night getting you that package!! How dare you trick us! How dare you pull that kind of reversal at the execution ground!!"
Kōichi walked over as well, his face dark, his knuckles cracking as he clenched his fists.
"Well, well, if it isn't Axel's great hero. You were willing to admit to being a General to save us, then turned around and freeloaded a month's worth of Supreme Luxury packages. Dust, do you know that because of your heroic act, we almost went and demolished the Lord's Manor last night?!"
"Cough, cough! L-let go! I'm gonna die!!"
Dust struggled desperately and finally managed to escape Kazuma's clutches. While rubbing his neck, he flashed that unbearably smug grin of his.
"Hey, hey, don't be so heartless, you two. I really did spend several days in prison, and I almost got my head chopped off! That package was the emotional damages I deserved, okay? Besides, if I hadn't recanted at the end, would you two be standing here yelling at me right now? You should be thanking your partner for his brains and bravery!"
"Thank you, my ass! You pure-bred con artist!!"
Kazuma was so angry he tried to grab a mug and smash it over Dust's head, but Kōichi stopped him.
Kōichi took a deep breath, forced himself to calm down, pulled out a chair, and sat across from Dust.
"Fine, we'll settle the package account with you later. Right now, there's something serious. That fat old pig Alderp demanded that Darkness go on a blind date with his son in exchange for waiving our debt. Dust, you know this area pretty well. What kind of person is that lord's son? Is he like his father, some pervert with nothing but grease and schemes in his head?"
At the words "blind date," Dust froze for a moment. Then his usual flippant expression vanished, and his eyes turned strangely serious.
He lowered his voice and looked at the two of them.
"Alderp's son? You mean Lord Balter Barnes Alexei, right? If it's him... then things are getting really strange."
Kazuma frowned.
"Strange how? Is his son actually an even higher-level pervert who likes riding people like horses?"
"No, the exact opposite." Dust shook his head, and for once, his tone carried a rare trace of respect. "Lord Alexei is known throughout Axel as a model noble. Not only is he handsome, but he's also gentle, generous, and kind. He even personally helps townspeople repair farm tools and clears out small monsters that harass nearby villages. Among the nobles, his reputation is so good it barely seems real. He has no bad habits whatsoever, let alone greed like his old man. Honestly, everyone in Axel wonders how that fat pig Alderp managed to have such a perfect son."
Kōichi and Kazuma froze.
"No problems with his character at all?" Kōichi repeated, his unease only growing stronger. "Why would a perfect model noble go on a blind date with a notorious perverted masochistic Knight? That makes no sense at all."
Kazuma rubbed his chin, his expression gloomy.
"Kōichi, there's definitely something fishy here. That old fat pig must be planning something big. Maybe that perfect son is just a front, or some kind of illusion made with magic. Or maybe... that old fat pig plans to use some unspeakable brainwashing item on Darkness at the matchmaking dinner?!"
"Waiter! Pack up ten barrels of Axel's specialty ale for us! And five bottles of the most expensive aged red wine! Put it all on this great hero Dust's tab!!"
As Kazuma shouted, he and Kōichi pinned Dust between them in perfect coordination, one on each side.
Kazuma's twisted, sleep-deprived, rage-filled scumbag face was almost pressed against Dust's nose, while Kōichi cracked his fists beside him and gave him a very "kind" smile.
"H-hey, hey! Have you two lost your minds?! That's half a year of my living expenses!!" Dust screamed like a pig being slaughtered, desperately trying to protect his wallet. "I only scammed you out of one month's package. This is robbery!!"
"Shut up, you con artist who exploited his brothers' conscience!" Kazuma lowered his voice, his tone as cold as an Ice Witch's. "Without this alcohol, how are we supposed to heal the wounds in our hearts from last night? How are we supposed to face that perverted meat shield who's about to go on a blind date? Either pay up, or I tie you up right now and drag you back to Prosecutor Sena, saying you still haven't confessed to hiding prohibited Demon King's Army goods. Choose."
Under Kōichi's murderous stare, Dust finally signed the bill with trembling hands and two streams of tears running down his face, condemning himself to six months of surviving on raw lettuce leaves.
The two of them carried the heavy barrels of alcohol and swaggered out of the Adventurers Guild, leaving Dust alone in the corner, clutching his empty wallet and drawing circles on the floor.
...
On the way back to the mansion, the sun was bright, but their mood remained covered in dark clouds.
"Hey, Kōichi." Kazuma took a gulp of the high-class alcohol he had swiped, wiped his mouth, and looked as profound as a philosopher who had seen through the ways of the world. "Don't you think this whole thing is getting more and more ridiculous? That fat old pig Alderp has a personality so awful even Slimes would reject him, yet he somehow produced a perfect model noble for a son? The odds of that kind of genetic mutation are lower than Aqua suddenly growing a brain, right?"
Kōichi carried the remaining alcohol and could not help laughing.
"Exactly. In this world, the more perfect something looks, the more disgusting the secret hiding behind it usually is. What if... that old fat pig has mastered some kind of forbidden magic? Like..."
Kōichi stopped walking, lowered his voice, and put on an extremely sinister expression.
"Like possession. He raises his son into the perfect vessel, then when the time is right, he takes over that young, handsome body. After that, he can rightfully claim Darkness and inherit both families' fortunes along the way. In a world where even gods can descend to work part-time, soul swapping and stuff like that is basically standard procedure, right?"
Kazuma froze for three seconds. Then he slapped his thigh and burst into an extremely vile laugh.
"Hahahaha! Kōichi, your brain really is on the same wavelength as mine! You're right, that's way too possible! That old pervert must have been lusting after Darkness's body for ages, but his own meatball body is too pathetic to show anyone, so he came up with this roundabout scheme! In this shameless world, I'd say there's at least an eighty percent chance that's it!!"
"If that's the case, then Darkness going on that blind date is basically a lamb walking into the tiger's den." Kōichi's smile faded, and his gaze sharpened. "She may be a pervert, but she's still our meat shield. If that fat old pig ruins her, who's going to stand in front and take hits when we farm monsters?"
"Exactly! For the sake of our farming efficiency... no, for the sake of our companion's happiness! We have to figure out exactly what kind of thing this Alexei really is!" Kazuma declared righteously, pumping his fist.
The two hurried back to the mansion. When they pushed open the front door, they found Darkness sitting in the living room, practicing in front of a mirror how to make a face that was both ashamed and excited after being rejected.
"Hey, Darkness! Stop acting horny for a second!" Kōichi set the barrel on the table and stared at her seriously. "About Alexei, your blind date partner, how much do you actually know about him? Start from how many times he wet the bed as a kid and explain everything in detail!!"