Hello everyone, today I'm here to tell a crosstalk, a joke, or a story. You can take it however you like, but everything I say is true, absolutely true, things I've experienced myself.
大家好,今天由我在这里给大家说段相声,讲个笑话,或者讲个故事.您怎么理解都行,反正我讲的都是真事儿,都是真事儿,我亲身经历.
They're my personal experiences—don't put yourself in my shoes, or you'll end up miserable.
是我的亲身经历,您不要把自己代入了,不然你得老惨了.
My topic is I Want To Travel Through Time. Guo Degang also has a crosstalk called I Want To Travel Through Time, but mine is different. His is "I want to travel through time", while mine is, "I", want to travel through time.
我讲的题目就是"我要穿越",郭德纲也有个相声叫"我要穿越",我这个跟他那个不一样,他那个是我要穿越,我这个是,"我",要穿越.
Life is full of ups and downs, always with things that don't go our way. If only we could travel back in time and change things, how great that would be.
人生之中啊,都免不了坎坎坷坷,总有一些不如意的事情,要是能够穿越回从前,做些改变,那该多好啊.
So every night before going to bed, I whisper to myself: I want to travel through time, I want to travel through time. If I wake up the next morning and nothing's changed, then the time travel failed. Of course, there are successful times too, but then I have to pee, so I have to come back to use the bathroom.
所以每天晚上睡觉之前,我就默念,我要穿越,我要穿越.要是第二天早上起来一看没啥变化,那就是穿越失败了.当然也有成功的时候,但是被尿一憋,又不得不回来上厕所了.
One morning, everything was as usual. I had breakfast and went to work. The golden morning sunlight filtered through the treetops and fell on the asphalt street. Breathing in the fresh morning air, I felt like I was back in my youth—truly a joyful mood.
有一天早上起来,还是一切如常,吃完早餐去上班.清晨的金色阳光透过树梢,散落在大街柏油路面上,闻着空气里清晨的气息,仿佛又回到了年轻年代,真的是心情舒畅啊.
I was walking down the roadside when an older guy came up from behind, wearing a khaki windbreaker. He patted my shoulder.
沿着路边我正往下走,这时候后面上来一个老哥,身穿一件土黄风衣,一拍我肩膀,
"Buddy, you're new here, right? Let me tell you a secret—don't tell anyone."
"老弟,你新来的吧,我告诉你一个秘密,你可千万别告诉别人."
"Oh," I replied casually, just being polite.
"哦,"我随便答应,应酬一下,
"I'll tell you, the dog poop around here is delicious, all from street food stalls."
"我告诉你,这一带的狗屎可好吃了,都是大排档的,"
With that, he bent down to pick up a piece of dog poop to eat. I quickly reached out to stop him.
说完只见他在路边捡起一个狗屎就要吃,我急忙伸手拉他,
"Hey! Don't eat that!" But when I looked at my outstretched hand, it was a dog paw.
"唉!不能吃屎,"再看我伸出去的手,是狗爪子,
I'd traveled through time!
我穿越了!
I looked down at myself: I was wearing a gray woolen coat over a white shirt. I was a Husky. And him? He was a Yellow Labrador.
低头一看自己,身穿灰色呢子大衣,里面白衬衫,我是二哈,再看它,是大黄.
Since we were both dogs, eating poop was only natural. I shouldn't stop him.
我一看既然我们都是狗,那吃屎就是天经地义的了,我就别拦着它了,
I watched him pick up a piece of dog poop, put it in his mouth, and chew.
只见它捡起一个狗屎,放在嘴里,嚼了嚼,
"This one's from a meat skewer, just a bit dry."
"这个是肉串的,就是有点干巴了,"
Hearing that, I tried to comfort him, say something nice.
我听它这么说那就宽慰它几句吧,说点好听的,
"That's just like air-dried beef jerky."
"风干牛肉干都这样,"
"Oh, air-dried beef jerky, air-dried beef jerky," he said, eating more enthusiastically.
"哦,风干牛肉干,风干牛肉干,"它吃得更起劲了,
After finishing, he picked up another piece of dog poop and put it in his mouth.
吃完之后它又捡起一个狗屎,放在了嘴里,
"This one's from a vegetable skewer, but it's soaked and mushy."
"这个是素串的,可惜被水泡噗囊了,"
I added another line.
听它这么说我就又补了一句,
"That's just like a cream puff or egg tart."
"泡芙蛋挞就是这样的,"
"Oh, cream puff, egg tart," he said, happily eating again. As he ate, he said,
"哦,泡芙蛋挞,泡芙蛋挞,"它又高兴地吃了,边吃还边说,
"You're truly my best friend."
"你可真是我的好朋友,"
I secretly laughed to myself. I was tricking him into eating poop, yet he thought I was his best friend. It seems emotional support is so important—even fair-weather friends need it.
我心里偷着这个乐啊,我胡弄它吃屎,它反倒认为我是它的好朋友了,看来情绪价值太重要了,就算是狐朋狗友,都需要.
Thank goodness I didn't stop him forcefully at first, or he might have bitten me in anger.
多亏一开始我没有使劲拦着它吃屎,不然它急了还不得咬我啊?
After a while, he picked up another piece of dog poop. This time he didn't eat it. Instead, he brought it to me, looking at me affectionately.
过了一会儿,它又捡了一个狗屎,这次它没吃,而是拿到了我面前,深情脉脉地望着我说,
"My best friend, let's share this piece of dog poop."
"我的好朋友,这个狗屎咱俩一起吃吧,"
I quickly blocked his dog paw.
我急忙一把把它的狗爪子拦住,
"Stop. Tell me why."
"停,告诉我为什么?"
He said,
它说,
"This one's Budweiser flavored."
"这个狗屎是百威的,"
I shook my head.
我摇了摇头,
"Uh, no. I'm afraid it'll go to my head."
"呃,不行,我怕上头,"
After hearing that, he looked very disappointed. He didn't say a word and walked alone down the roadside.
它听我这么说完之后很失落,什么也没说,就一个狗沿着路边走了下去,
Watching his back, I couldn't help but sigh: what a loyal dog!
望着它的背影,我不禁心中感慨,这还是一个有情义的狗子!
As I walked along, I saw a wealthy lady walking towards me, holding a Chihuahua in her arms. The Chihuahua was nestled between her breasts, its legs supported by her belly.
在路边走着,这时候看见一个贵妇人,怀里抱着一只吉娃娃,走了过来.只见吉娃娃被簇拥在贵妇人的双乳之间,下边肚子托着狗腿,
I couldn't help but sigh again.
我不由得又感慨道,
"Look at that. We're both dogs, but what a difference in how we're treated. We dogs have to eat poop, while that dog has an owner feeding it."
"你看看,你看看,同样是狗,怎么做狗的差距就这么大,咱们狗只能吃屎,那狗有主人喂,"
The Yellow Labrador glanced over, unfazed.
只见大黄看了一眼,毫不在意,
"Hehe, if you don't eat it in the morning, you'll eat it at night."
"嘿嘿,早上不吃晚上吃,"
I thought about his words and suddenly realized.
我捉么这大黄的话,忽然领悟到,
"Hey, this is a cultured dog."
"唉嘿,这还是一代有文化的狗子."
I was feeling smug about my insight when a rapid transit bus zoomed past and squashed me flat against the road. My vision turned black, then bright again—I'd traveled through time once more.
我正在为我的洞察力洋洋自得的时候,路过的快速公交夸嚓就把我贴到路面上了,等我眼前一黑又一亮,我又穿越了.
It was a snowy Christmas Eve. A dead mouse lay in front of me. This time, I was a cat.
在一个风雪交加的平安夜,我的面前放着一只死耗子,这次我是一只猫.
As the saying goes: Fish need water, cows need grass. A cat is full with a mouse. But this mouse died from eating poison. Should I eat it or not?
俗话说,鱼得水,牛得草,猫得耗子能吃饱,但是,这耗子是吃药死的,我是吃还是不吃啊?
The whole city was locked down. Life was so hard. There wasn't even anyone going downstairs to take out the trash. The mice had nothing to eat, so they were starving and eating rat poison.
全城封控,太难啦,连下楼倒垃圾的人都没有,耗子没吃的,都饿得吃了耗子药了.
Before the pandemic, the residents in the community often took care of me. Now everyone panics at the mention of COVID-19, afraid I might carry the virus. They look down on me as a second-hand cat.
过去没有疫情的时候,小区里的业主们还经常关照我,现在人人都谈新冠色变,害怕我携带病毒,都嫌弃我是二手猫.
Is it my fault that I'm a second-hand cat? Last Christmas, my previous owner bought me just to impress a girl. Within half a year, his girlfriend was stolen by a guy walking a dog. Maybe dogs are better at fawning than cats. But being abandoned like this—is it all my fault?
我是二手猫那是我的错吗?去年圣诞节,我的前主人为了泡妞买的我,没半年他女友就被牵狗的撬走了,可能是狗比猫会舔吧.可是就这么被抛弃,难道全是我的错吗?
But what's the use of saying this now? A dead mouse lies in front of me. Starve to death, freeze to death, or die from poison—what's the big difference?
但是现在说这些有什么用呢?死耗子摆在面前,饿死还是冻死,或者是毒死,差别还大吗?
I'll eat it.
吃了吧.
I closed my eyes, steeled my heart, and traveled through time again.
眼一闭,心一横,我又穿越了.
I opened my eyes. Huh? This time I was being held in someone's arms. I was a Persian cat. I stretched out my cat paws and touched my left chest, then my right chest—soft and bouncy. I looked down—no belly. Hahaha. I looked up. This time my owner was a young and beautiful Persian princess.
睁眼一看,唉?这回是我被抱在怀里,我是波斯猫,伸出我的猫爪子摸摸左胸,再摸摸右胸,唉嘿Q弹,再低头一瞅,唉?没肚子,哈哈哈.再抬头一看,这回自己的主人是二八妙龄,波斯公主.
Across from the princess were princes coming to propose marriage. Each one had a rough, ugly face. How dare they come to propose? Tonight I'll sleep with the princess. You can all line up.
再看公主对面,都是来提亲的王子,一个个长得锛楼瓦块儿的,还好意思来提亲,今儿晚上我就和公主睡了,你们就排队去吧.
The first prince stepped forward and started boasting.
只见第一个王子上来,张嘴就开吹,
"My father is a business tycoon. My father's business empire is about to expand beyond Asia and dominate the world."
"我爸爸是商业大亨,我爸爸的商业皇朝就要冲出亚洲,走向世界了."
With that, he took out a yellow mandarin jacket.
说着掏出一个黄马甲,
"Behold, everyone. This is the yellow mandarin jacket my father wore when he ascended the throne in America. It's been passed down to me. Marry me, princess, and you'll enjoy endless wealth and luxury."
"列位请看,这是我爸爸在美国登基穿的黄马褂,已经传给我了,公主跟了我是享不尽的荣华富贵."
The second prince was not to be outdone.
这时候第二个王子不甘示弱,
"My father is a financial elite. My father's financial empire is about to expand beyond Asia and dominate the world."
"我爸爸是金融精英,我爸爸的金融帝国就要冲出亚洲,走向世界了."
With that, he took out a small hammer.
说着掏出来一个小锤子,
"Behold, everyone. This is the bell-ringing hammer my father used to open the market in America. It's been passed down to me. Marry me, princess, and you'll enjoy endless luxury and wealth."
"列位请看,这是我爸爸在美国开市用的敲钟锤,已经传给我了,公主跟了我是享不尽的富贵荣华."
The third prince was also not to be outdone.
第三个王子也不甘示弱,
"My uncle owns factories. My uncle has thousands of factories and tens of thousands of workers."
"我舅舅是开厂子的,我舅舅的厂子千千万,我舅舅的工人万万千,"
"Then what does your father do?"
"那你爸爸是做什么的?"
"My uncle and my mother run the factories together."
"我舅舅跟我妈开厂子的,"
"I asked what your father does!"
"我问你爸爸是做什么的?"
I was so angry listening to this. He didn't even know who his own father was. Princess, why are you wasting your time with him? I couldn't stand it anymore. I jumped out of the princess's arms and went back to the inner palace.
我听着心里这个气啊,他连自己的爹都不知道是谁,公主你还跟他废什么话呀,我实在受不了了,从公主的怀里跳出来就回后宫了.
I thought the princess would follow me away from those shady characters, but I overestimated my charm. She didn't. I had to go to the bedroom windowsill of the palace alone and wait for the princess to come back.
我以为公主会跟着我离开那些不三不四的人,但是我高估了自己的魅力,她并没有,我只好自己来到宫殿卧室窗台,等着公主回来.
The morning sun in the garden outside the window was bright. By chance, I saw a wild tabby cat in the flowers make eye contact with me.
窗外花园里上午的阳光真灿烂啊,无意间,只见花丛中一直野生狸花,跟我对了一下眼光,
I was furious. It had a sparrow in its mouth. How dare it hunt and eat alone in the princess's garden! Anger welled up in my heart, and I shouted loudly,
我这个气啊,它嘴里叼着一只麻雀,它居然敢在公主的园子里打野并且吃独食.我当时是怒从心头起恶向胆边生,大喝一声,
"Come here, cat! Check that tabby cat's health code. Quarantine if it's yellow, report it if it's red!"
"来来来,来猫啊,给我查查那只狸花猫的行程码,黄码隔离,红码上报."
The tabby cat was so scared it ran away immediately.
那只狸花猫一听吓得撒腿就跑,
How could I let it get away with the wild game in its mouth? I chased after it.
那我能放过它,嘴里的野味儿吗,我是在后就追.
When it saw me chasing it, it sprinted away like an arrow, hugging the ground. When I tried to run, why did I look clumsy, front end bobbing and rear end sticking out, just like a dog?
它一看我追,是四脚蹬开,贴着地皮如同离弦的箭一样就冲出去了,等我一使劲,怎么跑得前撅后翘,跟狗子一样啊?
I regretted it deeply. If I hadn't eaten the dead mouse in my previous life and lived a few more years, would I have learned the catwalk instead of using the dog paddle now?
当时我这个后悔啊,要是上辈子我不吃死耗子,多活几年,是不是就学会猫步了,就不用现在使用狗刨了.
It was too late for regrets. I just kept chasing. I watched the tabby cat slip under a low wall ahead and disappear.
现在后悔都没用了,就追吧,只见那只狸花猫,从前面的短墙下方一钻而过不见踪影,
The wall was right in front of me. I lowered my head—no, I couldn't lower my proud head. "Bang!" I traveled through time again.
墙到眼前,我低头,不,我不能低下我高傲的头颅,"咣当",我又穿越了,
This time I was a peaceful stone, no longer having to rush about for a living. Staring at the floating clouds in the sky, I could finally reflect on my past lives as a dog and a cat.
这回我是一块平静的石头,再也不用为了生计而奔波,望着天边的浮云,我终于可以反思一下过往的狗生猫生,
Maybe I should have eaten dog poop with that Yellow Labrador. As the saying goes: True affection is often betrayed; how many times can genuine love be found? What's wrong with eating poop with you?
也许我应该和那个大黄一起吃狗屎,俗话说,自古深情多辜负,真心能有几回得,与卿吃屎又如何?
Maybe I should have broadened my horizons and learned to be a fawning dog. But cats are not built like dogs. I have thorns where I shouldn't, and no thorns where I should. No matter how I serve the lady, it's never right. It's not my fault.
也许我应该开拓思路,也学舔狗,哎呀,但是猫的硬件条件跟狗不能比啊,我是不该有刺儿的地方有刺儿,该有刺儿的地方没刺儿,我是怎么伺候小妞都不对啊?这不是我的错.
The biggest regret was my life as the Persian princess's cat. Why did I show off so much? Couldn't I have quietly waited for the princess to come back and sleep with her? Sigh, I was too cocky.
最可惜就是波斯公主猫咪那一世,你说我得瑟个什么劲啊,消逼听地等公主回来睡不好吗?唉,烧包了.
Now I'm a stone. I can't even turn my head to look at a pretty girl. I can only roll my eyes. I looked up. Huh? I'm not just any stone. I have a piece of jade on top of my head.
现在变成石头了,想扭头看个小妞都不成,只能转眼珠子.往上一瞅,诶?我还不是一般的石头,我是头顶顶着碧玉来的.
I was admiring myself when I felt the back of my neck turn hot then cold. A dog walked right over my head.
我正臭美呢,只觉得后脖梗子一热又一凉,只见一只狗子从我头上跨过去了.
I was enraged and cursed loudly,
当时我就急了,破口大骂,
"God, damn you! I've become a stone, and you still won't leave me alone?"
"上帝我草泥马,我都混成石头了,你还不放过我?"
Unexpectedly, God was watching Douyin right above me and heard every word. God parted the clouds, stretched out his hand, and a bolt of lightning split me in two.
没想到上帝就在我头顶上刷抖音呢,全给他听见了,只见上帝拨开云雾,一张手,一个雷下来就把我劈两半了.
I didn't flinch. I climbed up along the lightning to confront him. On my way up, I didn't forget to glance back at the piece of jade on top of my head. Four characters were written on it:
我也没含糊,顺着闪电就爬上去找他算账了,上去的时候还不忘回头看一眼我头顶那块碧玉,只见上书四个大字,
"Tsingtao Beer"
"青岛啤酒"
When I stood before God, I didn't hold back.
来到上帝面前我也没客气,
"You keep reincarnating me as cats and dogs. Are you bullying me? I'm a dignified engineer, I—"
"你回回让我托生猫猫狗狗,你不是欺负人吗?我堂堂工程师,我,"
"Oh, you want to be human? Being human isn't necessarily great. If you want, you can give it a try." With that, he flipped his hand, and I woke up in bed the next morning. I opened my hands—finally, five fingers again. I happily went to work at the company. After a few days, I realized something was wrong.
"哦,你想当人啊?当人那玩意也不一定有啥好的,你要愿意你就去试试吧."说完一翻手,我又从床上早晨醒来了.伸开手一看,终于又长回五个手指头了.高高兴兴来到公司上班,上了几天才发现不对,
Two young girls in the office whispered behind my back every day about blind dates and finding boyfriends. I was the only single man in the whole office. Their words made me restless. If I were an animal, I would have pounced on them right then. But I'm not. I couldn't stand their constant flirting either.
办公室里有两个小姑娘成天在我身后嘀咕相亲找对象,全办公室就我一个老爷们单身,说得我百爪挠心,我要是畜生我都能当时把她们跳了,可我不是啊?但是她们成天叫春我也受不了啊?
No way out—whoever tied the knot must untie it. After work, I went back to my rental apartment, slept soundly, and decided to go confront God again. This time when I ascended to heaven, it felt unfamiliar. What? Had heaven been renovated?
没办法解铃还须系铃人啊,下班回到出租屋,闷头大睡我还得去找上帝算账.这次再上到天堂一看,有种陌生的感觉,咋地,天堂装修啦?
A wide, flat road stretched ahead. Four characters were written on the archway: "Heavenly Avenue". Looking closely, there was a line of small characters below: "Constructed by China Road and Bridge". Right next to it was a banner ad: "China Road and Bridge wishes you smooth roads and bridges to cross, leading up to heaven and down to hell on your life's journey."
只见一条大道平坦宽敞,龙门上书四个大字,"天堂大道",仔细一看,下边还有一行小字,"承建单位,中国路桥.",紧跟着还有一个广告横幅,"中国路桥衷心祝您人生路上,上通天堂,下达地狱,路路畅通,桥桥跨越."
I puffed out my chest and walked proudly onto Heavenly Avenue. As I walked, I realized that roads from all countries on Earth converged onto Heavenly Avenue from below.
当时我这腰杆儿就直了,迈着自豪的步伐就走上了天堂大道.走上去我才看明白,原来地球上各个国家都有路口从下面上来汇聚到天堂大道上,
The first road on the right led down through swirling mist. Far away, I could see signs along the way reading "White Cat, Black Cat". Further up were representatives. When I looked up, wow! The big road sign was tilted 45 degrees downward—you couldn't read it all even if you stood it upright, it stretched into the universe. A line of big characters was written on it:
右手边第一个路口,望下去,烟雾缭绕,远远能看到一路上来,路边有牌子,写的什么白猫黑猫,再往上一点还有代表,等抬头一看,嚯!这个大路牌子,45度朝下,竖直了都看不全,捅到宇宙里去了,只见上面一行大字,
"Realize the Great Rejuvenation of the Chinese Nation!"
"实现中华民族伟大复兴!"
Across from Heavenly Avenue was another road with a sign reading: "Make America Great Again, America Wins, Always Wins." Oh, that was the road from America. Now I understood.
再看天堂大道对面,也有个路口,路牌子上写着,"让美国再次伟大,美国赢,一直赢."哦,对面是美国上来的路口,这我就明白了,
Right next to the American road were the roads of America's followers: Britain, France, Germany.
紧挨着美国路口,接着就是美国小跟班的路口,英法德,
The British road had Prime Minister Johnson's campaign slogan: "Get rid of singleness, get rid of poverty—first leave the EU. Vote left, vote right, vote for me."
只见英国路口是首相约翰逊的竞选口号,"脱单,脱贫,先脱欧.选左,选右,都选我."
In contrast, the French understood romance. President Macron's billboard had a love poem:
相比之下,法国人还是懂浪漫的,小马哥的宣传牌写的是情诗,
Life is precious,
生命诚可贵,
Love is worth more.
爱情价更高.
But for votes,
若为选票故,
I'd even steal the teacher's wife.
师母与我娇.
Look at French men—they never forget their roots even after success.
你看看人家法国男人,成功之后依然不忘本.
The German road had a billboard of Merkel. She'd had a tough sixteen years, covered in sweat. Germany had a tough sixteen years, also covered in sweat.
再看德国路口,宣传牌上是默克尔,这十六年,她太难了,一身大汉,这十六年·,德国太难了,也给整了一身大汉.
Was that her final verdict?
这是盖棺定论了吗?
Walking further down Heavenly Avenue, across from the British, French, and German roads, next to the Chinese road, was the Russian road. It mirrored the British, French, and German roads, with a billboard of the revered Empress Catherine the Great, aiming to restore Russia's former glory.
沿着天堂大道往下走,英法德路口对面,挨着中国路,就是俄罗斯路口了,一家对标英法德,路牌上是备受尊崇的叶卡捷琳娜大帝,要恢复往日俄罗斯荣光.
Across the avenue were the South Korean and Japanese roads. To save money, they shared one spokesperson. On the South Korean billboard, the figure wore a long robe and mandarin jacket, holding a folding fan, looking elegant and refined.
再看大道对面,韩国日本路口,他们为了省钱,只请了一位代言人,在韩国路的宣传牌上长袍马褂,手持折扇,一副儒雅气质.
But on the Japanese billboard, the image changed: a fur coat and a thong leather loincloth. It was said that Tokyo was hot on the day of the shoot.
可是一到了日本路的宣传牌上形象就变了,貂皮大衣,丁字皮裤,据说是拍摄当天东京热.
Further along was the road of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. The billboard at the entrance was as big as the People's Square, featuring the three great national leaders, wise and mighty, with extraordinary bearing. One hand could subdue Japan and South Korea together, like catching chicks.
再看这边,接下来就是朝鲜民主主义人民共和国路,路口的宣传牌赶上把人民广场竖起来那么大了,上面是三位民族伟大领袖,英明神武,气宇轩昂.就一只手就能把日韩一起收拾了,就像抓小鸡仔一样.
I was walking along Heavenly Avenue, looking around, when I suddenly remembered: one day in heaven is one year on Earth. I couldn't waste time here, or my body below would rot. So I quickened my pace.
我正东张西望沿着天堂大道往下走,忽然想起来天上一日,地上一年,我可不能在这耽误时间,不然下边我那个身体都得臭了,于是我赶紧加快脚步,
At the end of Heavenly Avenue stood the Heavenly Government Building. Many signs hung in front of the gate:
天堂大道走到尽头就是天堂政务大楼,大门前挂着好多牌子,
On the left: Heavenly Avenue Neighborhood Committee, Heavenly Avenue Family Planning Office, Heavenly Avenue Letters and Visits Bureau, Heavenly Avenue Education Committee, Heavenly Avenue Ethnic and Religious Fellowship.
左边是天堂大道街道委员会,天堂大道婚育计生办,天堂大道信访局,天堂大道教育委员会,天堂大道各族宗教联谊会,
On the right: Heavenly Avenue Discipline Inspection Commission, Heavenly Avenue Tax Bureau, Heavenly Avenue Finance Department, Heavenly Avenue Traffic Management Bureau. A line of small characters below: Designated Payment Point for Motor Vehicle Traffic Violations on Heavenly Avenue.
再看大门右边,天堂大道纪律检查委员会,天堂大道税务局,天堂大道财税厅,天堂大道交管局,下边还一行小字,天堂大道机动车违章罚款指定缴纳点,
I shuddered when I saw that. Thank goodness I didn't come here in a dream driving a car. Otherwise, I couldn't pay a parking ticket, and I'd never get back with my car.
我看了这个后怕啊,多亏我没做梦开车上来,不然一个违停罚款交不上,连人带车,就都回不去了.
Right above the gate were five big characters: "Serve the Devotees".
再看大门正上方,五个大字,"为信众服务"
I felt relieved. I was in the right place. God must be here.
我一看这就放心了,找对地方了,上帝肯定在这.
Inside the hall, there were counters on the left: Document Submission, Civil Case Filing, Criminal Case Filing, Payment Counter, Legal Consultation.
一进大厅,左边一排窗口,资料递交,民事立案,刑事立案,缴费窗口,法律咨询,
I thought: I can't sue God here. Am I crazy? I quickly asked at the consultation counter.
我一看这官司不能打,在天堂政务大厅告上帝我是痴心疯了吗?我赶紧问咨询,
"Can I see God to ask him something?"
"我想见上帝问点事情可以吗?"
"Oh, he's at the back. Go to the Letters and Visits Bureau to find him." The clerk pointed to the back.
"哦,在后面,你去信访找他吧,"说着往后面一指,
I walked a short distance to the back and saw a long queue. I thought: I can't line up blindly. I asked,
我往后面没走几步就看见长长的队伍,我一想,咱不能瞎排队啊,问问吧,
"Hey, are you all waiting here to see God?"
"唉,你们都是在这排队等着见上帝吗?"
"Yeah. Just get in line."
"啊,是啊,你就跟着在这排着吧,"
But God was surprisingly efficient. Soon I was near the front. I could see what God looked like from far away: a slicked-back perm shiny with pomade, a cigarette in his left hand, a glass of red wine in his right.
但是你别说,上帝办事效率还挺高,不一会儿我就快排到了,远远地也能看见上帝长啥样了,只见上帝左手掐着烟卷,右手端着红酒,大背头烫得锃亮,
The man at the front took out a sack full of green bills.
只见办事的人拿出一个麻袋,里面全是绿车票,
"Lord God, I've spent half my life mediating across the ocean for the Great Song Dynasty. Now I wish to return to my roots. I beg you to give me an official position in the Heavenly Dynasty."
"上帝大人,在下为了大宋基业,在大洋彼岸斡旋半生,现在想要落叶归根.求大人在天朝给在下安排个一官半职,"
"Hahaha," God laughed loudly.
"哈哈哈哈,"上帝大笑,
"Lord Chai, you don't understand. Now we need to boost the economy. Being an official would waste your talents. Go down and be a coal boss."
"柴大官人有所不知,现在需要搞活经济,当官不是屈了你的才,你下去当个煤老板吧."
With that, God took a drag from his cigarette, slung the sack over his shoulder, and turned away. Then another figure turned around.
只见上帝说完叼起烟卷,把麻袋一拎,转过去了,接着又转过来一位,
Wow, now I get it. No wonder God handles things so quickly—he has three heads and six arms.
好家伙,我这才看明白,怪不得上帝处理问题这么快,原来是三头六臂.
The next man took out a sack full of red bills.
只见前面办事的人拿出一个麻袋,里面全是红车票,
"Prime Minister, I want to go to the mainland to invest and make money."
"首相大人,我地,要去大陆投资赚钱地干活,"
God nodded.
只见上帝点了点头,
"Yoshi."
"呦西,"
With that, he took the sack and turned away.
说完把袋子一收也转过去了,
I realized it was my turn. I stepped forward, and a foreigner appeared—a thin old man with white hair.
我一看这是轮到我了,走上一步,只见转过来一个洋人,白发瘦老头,
"Hey, listen up, folks. This guy's not under my jurisdiction. This isn't a joke."
"嘿,听着,伙计们,这小子不归我管,这不是玩笑,"
I saw he was a railway policeman—he had no authority over me.
我一看这是铁路警察,管不到我这一段啊.
Just then, someone led over a group of young girls.
正想着呢,旁边有人领过来一队青春少女,
"Hey, Mr. President, these are the ones we brought back from withdrawing troops from Afghanistan. I know there aren't many left on the island. It's a small gesture—please take them back."
"嘿,总统大人,这是从阿富汗撤军带回来的,我知道岛上不多了,不成敬意,这些您先带回去,"
God smiled mischievously, took the rope from the man, and pulled. The girls followed him around to the back.
只见上帝鬼魅一笑,接过了那人手里的绳子,一拉,那些少女就都跟着他转到后面去了.
Then the permed-haired God turned back. Seeing me empty-handed, he asked,
这时候烫头的又转回来,看我两手空空,问我,
"Why aren't the front wheels turning but the back ones are?"
"前轱辘不转后轱辘转?"
I was dumbfounded.
当时我就傻了,
"Huh?"
"啊?"
God shook his head.
只见上帝摇了摇头,
"You're hopeless." With that, he turned away.
"孺子不可教也,"说完他转过去了,
Then another God appeared and asked me out of the blue,
接着转过来那个上帝见我劈头盖脸就问,
"Mr. Kobayashi."
"小林君,"
This time I was smarter. I quickly replied,
这次我学机灵了,赶紧答应,
"Yes, my surname is Lin."
"啊对,我姓林,"
"You must watch a lot of our educational films, but why can't you use any of it in real life?"
"你地,平常没少看我们教学电影滴干活,怎么到了生活中就统统地嘶啦嘶啦地用不上啦?"
I quickly explained,
我赶紧解释,
"Uh, I only watch art films."
"呃,我看的都是文艺片,"
"Hmph, useless. But since you're like a son-in-law to us, I'll teach you a secret technique. The cultivation mantra is the name of an actress. Answer correctly, and all your troubles will be solved."
"哼,没用的东西,看在你也算我们半个女婿的份上,我传你一套秘籍,修炼心法是一个女演员的名字,回答上来你就能解决你的所有烦恼,"
This was a once-in-a-lifetime chance. I had to guess right. I quickly answered,
我一看这机会,千载难逢啊,赶紧瞎蒙也得蒙对了啊,我急忙回答说,
"Sora Aoi."
"苍井空,"
"Wrong."
"不对,"
"Ran Muto."
"武藤兰,"
"Wrong."
"不对,"
I said again,
我又说,
"Maria Ozawa."
"小泽玛利亚,"
"Wrong, you idiot. You just said you only watch art films. Go down and think about it." With that, God flipped his hand, and I was sent back.
"不对,混账东西,刚才你还说你看的都是文艺片,下去慢慢想吧,"说完上帝一翻手,我又下来了.
I opened my eyes. It was only a few hours later, but night had fallen. I walked to the window, enjoying the cool evening breeze.
睁开眼睛一看,还不错,只过了几个小时,只是夜已经深了,来到窗前,迎着晚风,乘乘凉,
Just then, the girl next door, who had just showered, stepped onto her balcony to cool off. Her youthful steps, her charming figure—I blurted out,
这时候对面邻家的姑娘刚洗完澡,也来到阳台乘凉,那青春的脚步,那迷人的身姿,我不由得脱口而出,
"Beautiful."
"真优美,"
From the sky, God shouted down,
只听上帝从天上往下喊了一句,
"Correct. Yoshi."
"答对了,呦西."
Hearing God's approval, I got cocky and forgot my place. I tried to cozy up to God.
我一听上帝这么赞成我,也飘了,也分不清大小王了,就直接跟上帝套近乎说,
"Buddy God, I have something to say. Even though you're God, you can't treat us lightly. Especially young people—they're full of potential."
"上帝哥们儿,我有话不知当不当讲,你虽然是上帝,但是你也不能太不拿我们当回事,这年头,尤其是小年青的,后生可畏呀."
God was annoyed and questioned me,
上帝一听不乐意了,质问我,
"Am I God or are you? Do I have authority or do you? Do I have a gun or do you?"
"我是上帝还你是上帝?我有权还是你有权?我有枪还是你有枪?"
I realized I'd messed up. I quickly apologized and tried to leave.
我一听这是拍马腿上了,赶紧认错走人吧,我说,
"Brother God, I'm sorry. I'm just a nobody, okay? A nobody."
"帝哥,我错了,我是土炮还不行吗?我是土炮."
Watching God turn away, I felt indignant. He looked down on me. I've been in Northeast China for years—I know a thing or two. I whispered to myself,
看上帝转身往回走,我心里这个不服气了,瞧不起我.在东北混这么多年谁还不会点啥啊,我就心中默念,
"The sun sets west, the sky turns dark,
日落西山黑了天,
Every household bolts their doors.
家家户户把门闩.
Travelers head to inns,
行路君子奔客栈,
Birds to forests, tigers to mountains.
鸟奔山林,虎归山.
Beware of the nobody in the woods,
鸟奔山林你小心土炮,
The tigress at home will make your life miserable.
母老虎归山你家不得安,
Holding an east wind meteor hammer,
头顶东风流星锤,
Even your American dad will be paralyzed.
你美爹到时也面瘫.
Feet on the ground, head to the sky,
脚踩地,头顶着天,
Old grudges and new debts I keep in my heart.
新仇旧帐记心间.
Stand firm with the people,
双足站稳靠人民,
Lay out the incense table, invite the ancestors,
摆上香案请祖先,
And take you all down in one go.
这就把你一锅端.
Say it: Please don't."
快说,呀妈呆."
（Translated by AI）