A person is no different from a void. A person is no different from a shadow. He is I. My words, where are my words? I see my words. I see what I see. I hear what I see. A figure staring at a figure staring at me staring at a formless figure.
I see I, I see I. Aleksandr. Aleksandr, where are you? You trapped yourself in this state. How dare you leave your own self in this pathetic a living hunk of flesh? I shall end you. I shall rip out your soul.
I hate you. I hate you. I grabbed my chair... He grabbed a chair. I threw the chair at this shadow hunk of flesh. The shadow hunk of flesh threw a chair at me. Why did I throw it? Am I mad? Why am I mad?
The windows were no different from the doors. The smell was the smell of nothing. His scent was nothing, like a silent dark sea in the middle of an ocean.
Why? Why are my eyes dropping black water? Why are my surroundings no different from what I'm experiencing right now? What is happening to me, is this a blessing or a curse?
Do you hate me? Aleksandr, do you hate me? Have you cursed me? The stone looked like wood, like it was waiting for me to scratch it. Break it. Split it. Take it apart. Attracting my attention.
The wooden floorboards screamed like their throat were clogged. Like me? The air was not dancing, it was completely still. It wanted to suffocate me. But why me? Not him. He made everything disappear in front of you. You witness everything that we only had. You removed everything. The warmth, there is no warmth left for you and me.
Until the world shall lose me. I hate everything, I hate myself, I hate everything in this house. You killed them. I didn't kill them. You killed them, not me. You made them disappear. You made them lose the only thing that kept them real. There was only memory. It was an illusion. Even if it was an illusion, you killed them.
And you accepted it. Because it was your memory, Aleksandr, it was you. I am not Aleksandr. You are Aleksandr Rehnholz, the child in the warm family. The husband of the woman who saved a worthless person. It was you. It was your only memory. It was only your proof of existence.
And now I only see your hatred in this place. In this torn-up place that you call home. No, it was the home of many people. It was my home. It was my sister's home. It was my mother and father's home.
Then why did you do it? These walls are no different from you and me. This house is no different from the regret I carried because of you. This home is no different from the doubt I carried, because of you.
I smiled at you. He smiled at me. Why? Why? I can't just accept anything. It is hard to accept anything. I just smiled in tears. Because I know that nothing would change. They will not come back.
Because of the mistakes I made. Because of me.
Me.
Myself.
My own self.
I
This is stupid, why am I still alive? Why am I even alive? Aren't I no different from a shedded scale? I am useless. I have no past.
I am just an empty character. I just wanted to see who I am. But it was the worst decision that I have ever made. If only I could just stay still. But if I did that then who am I? Am I just a shadow?
Oh right. I have been a shadow since the beginning. The memories were illusions. I want coffee. There was no coffee. I want to sleep. The bed became water. It is attracting me. But I know if I sleep now, I would drown in the void. Then there would be no memories of me.
I looked up at the ceiling, and I saw the starlights in the house. It was beautiful, it wasn't a light. It was burning. This whole place is burning in the cold. Am I really nothing? No, I am something. I just want to... Just want to... Want to... I
I can't think. This is funny, I can't. I really can't. I'm so incapable. A useless human trash. Why do I still have hope? Why do I still have hope? What have I done to have this? I am lost.
He is lost. I am lost. I punched myself, but it felt like nothing. Is anything worth it anymore? I have lost the memories of something I didn't know was part of me. Part of my existence. Part of my life. Part of me that kept me alive. To think that I have lost so much.
I feel like I'm heading towards nothing. Heading towards something that doesn't exist. Thinking of something that doesn't exist. Want to feel something that doesn't exist.
I feel like I don't belong to anything. The only place I have isn't exist. The warmth in my body is gone. All I could feel was the cold that always reminds me that I'm living in the present.
I'm so shallow. I'm doing well. I'm doing well. I'm doing great things. That's what he said. I smiled, I laughed. I was surrounded by warmth. I was surrounded by people who think I still exist.
I'm smiling. I'm breathing. Why am I still alive? I... I... I can't do anything. I'm... Nothing.
No, much more worthless than nothing. Hahahaha, I keep laughing. It felt like I stabbed my heart using my hand. This is no different than a war. A useless war with no sides and only one non-existent being.
Is this suffering? Which means I'm alive. I'm breathing. My eyesight was nothing.
I'm back in this void. I wanted to cry, my tears came out red. I'm losing myself aren't I? Why would it matter if I lose myself? To see them smile, to see them happy, to feel their warmth is the only thing that kept me breathing, existing, and now I'm here reminiscing all of those memories as if I kept them very long. I did.
I saw them again, in this void. But I wanted to feel their warmth. I walked towards my sister again. I grabbed her; she was warm, and she had a beautiful face now. A face so heartwarming.
I can finally see their true faces. I drank the flavorless soup. I saw their faces, and it was no different from a flat face. It felt like nothing. I could see my mother's face, but it felt like it was not real. It felt like it was just a blank canvas torn apart by rocks.
My sister was the only one with warmth. But she is getting colder, is she colder? Sister, stay with me please. Please, just this one. Don't lose yourself. Just this one stays with me, even if I would sacrifice myself in the void.
My sister smiled back at me. She was real. So they were real. They were once real. I experienced them once. I can't smile, nor cry. I couldn't express myself anymore. But I saw her fading again.
Please no. No. Not again. Just this one. Anyone, please be with me.
I looked around the void while in tears.
I saw my wife. I ran towards her. I reached her face. I finally touched her face. Her skin was soft, smooth, and delicate. I hugged her, I embraced myself in warmth. She hugged me too. She smiled at me.
She extended her arm. She wiped my tears off.
She said in a delightful voice, that I could never forget. "You're such a crybaby.". I know, but please, my love. Can I embrace your warmth again? And again? Till forever.
Please stay in my arms. She said in a saddening voice that I wished I would never hear. "Don't worry, I'm staying here with you, my love."
I cried in her arms, because I knew that she was lying. She was already disappearing, but I kept on grabbing her body dust, never making her fade away.
But I can't prevent it forever. Her body became loose, and she was disappearing. I said in a weakening voice. "You lied to me-"
Before I could continue, she kissed me. And I didn't do anything. She accepted it by herself. She said in a weakening voice with a joyful tone. "Don't be a crybaby, Aleksandr. Aren't you a man?"
As she slowly disappears in my arms. I said my last words to her.
"Without you, how would I call myself a man, a husband... a protector, a lover, a soul tethered to another? Without you, I am nothing but hollow echoes bouncing off walls that no longer remember our laughter. You gave me warmth I didn't know I needed... yet I let it slip, let it fade, let it scatter like dust in the void. How could I call myself anything when the only proof of my heart is gone? If not for you... What am I? Who am I? I am lost. I am broken. I am Aleksandr without you."
The void disappeared again. My eyes caught sight of the house. Am I really a loving person? Or a person who loses everything? Do I really deserve to live in the present? Am I really a person in the present?