Isn't it the end? No... It's life. Life has betrayed me. No... Betrayed life. I betrayed the life that gave me the meaning of life. Therefore I deserve to become nothing. Like a void.
My wife Irina. My love. I'm sorry. I lost you and my unborn son. Please, don't forgive me. I have lost everything. How could I be called a husband? A father or even a man? It's pathetic isn't it? I'm crying for my sins. How could I live like this?
I saw her. My love, why is she here? "Why are you here? Aren't you supposed to be dead?" I said.
She smiled in tears at me.
"Why? Have you come back? Did you come back to haunt me?"
She smiled and then walked towards me. My love, please don't waste your poor soul on witnessing my downfall. I have nothing to return. I have nothing to give. I have failed you. I have failed the lady who was my own savior. I failed the love that saved me. I failed the love that you gave.
"My love Irina."
I wish to hold your warm hand. To embrace and drown in your warmth again. Her silhouette was in front of me. Her lips moved. "Come embrace me once again, and forever."
I hugged her, wrapping my arm around her silhouette. It was her. I believed it. She came back for me. "My love... Why?"
My eyes sting. Am I crying? Why am I crying? No. I am crying because I have you. I continued to hug her. How could I stop? Why have you come back?
My tears. My tears were warm. Her warmth enveloped me. She was real. She said to me in a tone I wish I could forever hear.
"My love, I love you, Aleksandr... Remember, that you are Aleksandr, and will always be my Aleksandr Rehnholz."
Yes... My love. If only I could keep hugging her. Even if I were paralyzed in this state. I would embrace you, even if you were blind. Even if you were nothing, I would be nothing too, just to be with you.
She stopped hugging me. She pushed my shoulders and said to me, while pointing her arms and shoulders at a mirror that didn't exist. "That is my Aleksandr, my dear love."
I looked at the mirror she was pointing at. It was a man, a handsome man, a joyful man. I saw myself smiling. I saw myself in joy. Is this my real face? This joyful smile. Was this me? Was my face really this happy?
I see my face. I want to see the face of my love... I looked at her. She is beautiful. She was always beautiful. Her delicate face. Her smooth skin. Her smile. It's her. She is real. How could I forget the face of the person who gave me love in the harshest winter?
She grabbed my arm and pulled me.
She said to me while wearing the coat I gave her. "Let's have dinner at your family's place.".
My family? I walked with her. The street lanterns were still cool. She was smiling. The stone road was like I remembered. The old bakery on the left. I would always go every weekend to buy Borodinsky bread as a gift for Irina, as well as for my family.
She saw me glancing and smiling at the bakery. She urged me to go inside and buy a Borodinsky bread for my mother.
I bought them. Though it was expensive, at least I would have something to give when visiting my family.
We walked together, talked to each other. Was my life really this beautiful? It was beautiful. I never really saw it, when my love died. We hold hands.
I stopped for a moment. I looked at her face, she looked at me. I wrapped my arms around her back. I kissed her. "How was it?" She said,
It was great. I couldn't say what I wanted to say. I just nodded to her. It was too much for me. But I wish for this to continue playing. I am alive with her. I wish to continue living life like this.
We walked together, enjoying memories that I always kept in my heart. Familiar places that I would always go. I stared at the lake. I see a man admiring its beauty. It felt like I was experiencing it as well. It felt like it was me.
We kept walking towards places that I wish I could experience again. She said to me, "Isn't it beautiful? I wish to explore places that carved and formed my heart."
Aren't I supposed to say that? I smiled and replied to her delicate words. "Hey, aren't I supposed to say that?" We both laughed, it was like experiencing everything for the first time.
We stopped at a familiar place. I know it very well. I saw kids running around it. It was a happy child. It was a joyful child. I wish to play with the child. I wish to play with myself. The child stared at me. Like it has seen me. He was happy and smiling. I smiled back. He ran back to his friends, he was happy.
This familiar place is my family's house. The house where I grew up. The house I was born into this bright world. Isn't it great?
Though it may look terrible on the outside. Inside is the place that I wish to stay forever. A place that is part of my heart. A place that has all of my memories.
I want to open the wooden door. I am hesitant. How could I bring myself to see them? Do I want to go back? Irina holds my hand. I looked at her. I am afraid. She smiles at me and touches my face.
She wipes my tears off. I was crying? Again? Was I really this hesitant to see my family? Why would I be hesitant? I resolved to face my memories of my family.
I saw my family again, my smiling sister. Who cared for me? Who gave me food even though she hadn't eaten yet? I saw her. Her smile again. Her stupid laughter. Her beautiful face.
My mother. Who carried me in her arms. Even when she was sick, she still cared for me. Even if she isn't able to stand, she would still be mad at me when I bruised myself when I was a child. I can't stop smiling. My childhood was spent in this place.
My father. A man whom I barely noticed in my heart. The man who showed me how to love someone. The man who taught me many things. The man I misunderstood. I have forgotten you father, I'm sorry. My face explained everything.
A hand hit my shoulder, it was a familiar feeling. A deep feeling. It was my father. That pale face, that familiar smirk. He said in a mature voice that was fleeting in my memory.
"Why are you crying, go to your mother and give the bread to her."
Yes, father. It was the same. Yet I wish to keep repeating it. I wish to keep on happening forever. I don't want to lose anything. The more I see the people around me. Perhaps I existed. Perhaps everything that I experienced was real.
We're all back here together. In the same place where it all started. The warm place that protected me in the winter.
I talked to my family, like every day. That I wish it could always happen. I smiled at them, like I was happy every day. I held the hand of my fiancée. I announced to my family that I have a child coming.
I ate the warm soup at the table. I gave soup to my wife. My mother and father insisted that my wife and I stay in the house. Of course, I would stay. If I could, I would stay here forever. Because I know that everyone in this place deserves to stay here.
My wife and I slept in my old bedroom. I cuddle her. I'm hugging her alongside my unborn child. It was my happiest life, a life that was real. That was once real.
I woke up in the same house. I was alone, no. I was not alone, I had everyone. I wore my boots and my thick, fluffy jacket. I placed my worn-out Ushanka that my wife made. I walked slowly with my family.
I walked towards the front door, with everyone I love. And with everything that I have given. I gripped the door with my wife's hand. I opened the door.
The warm breeze entered the house. It was very warm, it was hot, but I continued. I walked outside with everyone, seeing the light with everyone. Feeling the warm sunlight of everyone.
I feel the sunlight burning me, it was real. The feeling was real. Everyone that I carried in my heart was real. My wife was real. Perhaps me too, but how would I know?
I closed the door behind me, saying my last goodbye to everyone. I was with everyone who was real. I will always be with everyone, real or not.
I don't care, because everything was real in my heart. Because I carried them with me my whole life. Because to me they were once real.
My body began to crumble, and I didn't care. My body was dying from old age, and I didn't care.
Because to everyone that I loved I was once real too.