I stood still, doing nothing. I stood still, becoming nothing. I stood still, admiring the light passing through the walls. I stood still embracing its warmth.
I walked towards my bedroom. I looked around, the dust paced around me. The tight air was suffocating like exhaling volcanic ash. As it entered my lungs, it was challenging to breathe. I was in the attic. The creaking floors felt familiar, and the smell gave me nostalgic warmth around my body. My cabinet can be seen through the shadows. Was my room here? Am I supposed to be here?
I wanted to shatter my voice, so I touched around my face. There were no lips. No Mouths. Have I been talking to myself without a mouth? But I could hear my own voice. My own tone. My own sound.
I wanted to speak. I'm speaking. I wanted to talk. I'm talking. I wanted to beg. I'm screaming towards a void I cannot see. A warmth surrounded my back, it was warm, as warm as a freshly cooked soup.
It was warm, delightful, floral, and loving. As if I were being loved by my family. As I turned my head, the whole house. It was warm as if I were part of a family. I was small as a child. I was holding the hand of a warm big lady. Is it my mother?
I gripped her hand. It was warm. It was like I was back home, I wanted to see her beautiful face. But I walked towards the table for dinner. I caught sight of my sister, who spoon-fed me the warm chicken soup. It was a heartwarming feeling. It felt like it was forever. I felt that it could last forever.
My sister said, "Eat slowly.".
Did I eat fast? Am I swallowing my food like a pig? I glanced towards my spoon, it was empty. I still put it in my mouth. It was delicious. Am I eating my spoon? It felt like I was a child again. It felt like I was free again. I was like a baby bird. Was I happy? No... Was Aleksandr this happy before?
My sister was laughing very loudly. I laughed as well. She was happy, I was happy. I went into her arms. She was shocked. She was warm like a bed and pillows. It was easier to breathe in her arms. I embraced her warmth.
I looked at my mother's beautiful face in my sister's arms. Her face was beautiful. It was blurry, but I know that inside that blurriness is a woman who carried me when I was a child.
I turned my head upwards to see my sister's face. It was empty. It was a faceless figure that accepted me in her arms.
Such a beautiful life, Aleksandr Rehnholz. These memories, I wish to go back to them. I wish to experience life. I wish to experience warm and happy smiles. I wish to go back.
Please, I don't wanna stay in this dirty place. I can't fall to my knees. I want to go back, I wish to be young again. I wish to see my family again. How could I live without any warmth? How could I sleep without a bed? How could I eat without any food? How could I enjoy anything, if there was nothing? Please... I wish to experience their love again. Their love. My mother's love. My sister's love. My father's love, that I wish to experience.
Will I ever see the meaning of light? I slowly stood up. I found myself walking in the cold streets. Coldness that wrapped my body in needles. My tears couldn't stop dripping, each tear falling became ice. A lady noticed my tears, and she gave me her coat. Why? Would she give it to me? She grabbed my hand and we ran towards her house.
She was crying to me? Her hands were comforting me. I wish to hold it more. Her name, I barely heard it. My sight was disappearing. My vision is slowly getting blurry. The darkness slowly swallowed what I wish to hold forever. I passed out.
I saw nothing in the void. Where am I now? I yelled in desperation to grab the attention of people that didn't exist. "HELLOOOO".
No one answered my call. Why am I desperate? Isn't this just Aleksandr's memories? Isn't it supposed to be him, not me? Why is Aleksandr Rehnholz showing me these memories? And why is it so comforting?
As I fight with my thoughts inside this empty Void of my consciousness. My head felt like it was erupting. The pain was intense. Should I drown myself in this pain? Or should I resist it?
Why would anyone help him? Why would anyone help me? Amn't I supposed to be worthless? Therefore I should not be saved. I only bring pain to these innocent people. These warm and innocent people. Why can't I be like them?
All I feel now is hopelessness that I brought upon myself. It really is painful like a sharp object piercing through your heart. But it was also your hand. I am a rotting insect trapped in my own insignificant past. I shouldn't exist.
Have my actions throughout my whole life led to this worthless life?
Yes, it was me.
My lie is really intriguing to me. The Empty void was disappearing. My sight caught that warm lady. I was in bed. I looked at her. She was sad, she was crying, she was in tears like a river. She was beautiful. I wanted to touch her face, but my body couldn't. I was bleeding.
I should've stayed dead. Why did you save me? Do you love Aleksandr? My love? Why? Why do you love me so much? Why did I matter to you? Why did I matter to her?
She began fading, her body began to fade into black dust like returning to the void. Not, only her. But also my family. My faceless sister, my blurry face mother. My feather-like father, they began fading away.
Please, No. No... No...
Don't take her. Don't take the only thing I have. Please don't take the only past that I have.
I don't have a past anymore, I am nothing but a person in the past.