Darkness lifted her head and looked at Kōichi, her eyes faintly red.
"If I simply obey my family's arrangements, I won't be Darkness, the Crusader anymore. I'll just be a doll of a wife locked in a gilded cage, spending every day smiling and nodding. If that's what awaits me, I'd rather Father lock me in solitary confinement, or have every Adventurer in the city despise me. So please, help me! Help me completely ruin this blind date, so Lord Alexei gives up on me for good!"
Seeing the perverted Knight, who usually did nothing but pant heavily, wearing such a humble and sincere expression, Kazuma Satou, who had been about to sneak away, stopped in his tracks. He scratched his head and gave that devilish grin of his that said he really had no choice.
"Tch. You really are gross most of the time, but if you actually get married, our Party loses its frontline tank. Then every monster will come charging at me, and I absolutely refuse to let that happen."
"Exactly, exactly!" Aqua tossed aside her empty snack bag, planted her hands on her hips, and shouted with righteous indignation, "Darkness is my precious ATM... Ahem, my precious companion! How could I let some perfect noble steal her away? Don't worry. Sabotage is my specialty. I'll use the wisdom of a Goddess to make you look like a hopeless loser at that matchmaking event!"
Megumin adjusted her eyepatch, a dangerous curve forming at the corner of her mouth. "As the Crimson Demon Clan's number one genius, I happen to know several spells that can plunge the entire scene into chaos in an instant... assuming you don't mind me blowing the venue flat."
Kōichi looked at his teammates, who had already started enthusiastically discussing how to socially destroy Darkness, and sighed helplessly.
Darkness's reasoning did strike him as having a rather subtle flaw, but seeing her earnestly beg for help, his sense of responsibility as the captain made it impossible to refuse.
"Alright. Since we've decided to help, we need a solid plan." Kōichi turned to Darkness. "First, we confirm the time and place of the blind date. Then... we craft an image for you so awful that noble society could never accept it."
The moment Darkness heard that, her eyes lit up, and that familiar sickly ecstasy returned to her face.
"Ooh... an awful image that could never be accepted... Do you mean a fallen Knight with a scandalous private life, buried in debt, and even connected to an evil organization? Ah... just thinking about it makes me..."
"Cut it out already, you perverted Knight!"
Kazuma mercilessly chopped Darkness on the head with his hand.
"U-um... about the location of the matchmaking meeting, it's already been decided. It will be at my house. Also... Father will be there the entire time to supervise." Darkness nervously twisted her fingers, her gaze wandering. "After all, Lord Alexei holds a very distinguished position, and Father places great importance on this meeting. He said we must present the most dignified and proper side of House Dustiness..."
"Hold it!!!" Kazuma Satou let out a scream loud enough to pierce the entire street. He clutched his head with both hands, his whole body turning gray and petrified. "A-at your house? That top-class mansion in Axel? And your father, a noble of the kingdom who could crush small-time Adventurers like us with a flick of his finger, will be there too?! This isn't ruining a blind date. This is a recruitment drive for suicide volunteers!"
"Kazuma, calm down. Your devilish aura just shrank back in fear." Kōichi felt a dull ache in his teeth too, but he barely managed to stay composed. "Darkness, your father... has he met us before?"
"Not yet... but I often mention you all at home." Darkness blushed slightly, her tone turning awkward. "I told him I met a captain who always looks cold but is very reliable, a Thief with rotten morals but extraordinary luck, a Crimson Demon Clan member who does nothing but blow things up every day, and... a strange older sister who only knows how to perform water-spitting magic."
"Who are you calling a strange older sister who only spits water?! You useless perverted meat shield whose only skill is getting hit!" Aqua instantly bristled. She jumped up, grabbed Darkness by the collar, and shook her violently. "I am the Goddess worshipped by the Axis Order! The embodiment of both beauty and wisdom! Listen, if that old lord is going to be there, then I have even more reason to go! I'll show him what divine majesty looks like, and while I'm at it, I'll make him donate a huge sum to the church. Then my debt will..."
"You just want to scam him out of money! That's absolutely what you're trying to do!"
Kazuma retorted while dragging Aqua away.
Megumin, meanwhile, stroked her staff with a grave expression, a dangerous red light glinting in her eyes.
"Setting off fireworks at the lord's mansion... It would be quite a challenge, but if it is for my comrade's freedom, then I, the Crimson Demon Clan's number one genius, would not object to letting my Explosion Magic bloom in the mansion's courtyard."
"Please, I'm begging you, don't let anything bloom. We'll be executed. We'll absolutely be executed!" Kōichi hurriedly pressed down Megumin's hand, then looked at Darkness. "Since your father will be there too, direct sabotage is out of the question. We need a different approach. We'll attend that matchmaking banquet openly and properly as Darkness's most trusted comrades."
Darkness paused. "Attend...?"
"Exactly." A wicked smile tugged at Kōichi's lips, the kind of smile he had honed in this absurd world, reserved for particularly nasty plans. "We act completely natural. We let Lord Alexei see what sort of people his future wife spends every day with. An arrogant idiot Goddess, a delusional loli ready to blow up the house at any moment, a devilish Thief with his head full of lewd thoughts, and..."
"And a cold-blooded captain who somehow keeps this trash heap together?" Kazuma added with a sideways glance.
"A charismatic leader," Kōichi corrected. "As long as we perform at our usual level during the dinner, I think the perfect Lord Alexei will reconsider this engagement... After all, who would want this sort of crowd barging into their house every day after marriage?"
Darkness listened in rapture, clasping her hands over her heart.
"Ooh... At a solemn family dinner, my companions reveal their most shameful and chaotic sides, and then, beneath Father's despairing gaze, my prospective husband rejects me... Th-this is the highest form of humiliation! Kōichi, you really are a genius! Please, I beg you... On that night, trample my reputation into the dirt!"
Watching Darkness sink back into her own world, Kōichi and Kazuma exchanged a glance and let out a deep sigh at the same time.
...
The next day.
The Dustiness mansion, a magnificent building perched at the highest point of Axel and overlooking the entire city like a massive beast, radiated an intimidating majesty beneath the afternoon sun.
The four of them had been loudly declaring on the way there that they would teach that nobleman the harshness of society, but the instant they stepped through the heavy iron gate, decorated with gold trim and guarded by two fully armed soldiers, the air seemed to freeze.
The two neat rows of attendants bowing their heads in perfect unison, along with the imported carpet beneath their feet, so thick their ankles nearly sank into it, fell over Kōichi and Kazuma Satou's wicked little schemes like a bucket of ice water, extinguishing them in an instant.
"...Hey, Kōichi, did you see that? The spear that guard is holding looks real, and it's polished brighter than my dagger." Kazuma Satou straightened his back, pressed his hands to the seams of his pants, stared dead ahead, and spoke so quietly that only Kōichi could hear him. "I think... our previous plan might have been a little too aggressive. After all, in the Fantasy World, offending powerful people usually ends with a secret execution or being sent off to build the Great Wall, right?"