As they lay there, one comfortably reclined with his hands behind his head, and the other practically kissing the edge, Tao Hua hesitated before slowly manoeuvring himself onto his back.
Never once had he shared his bed with another soul, and always slept alone. Even dozing off within the vicinity of Shan Si—from the forest to his room—was a completely new experience for him.
He was still growing accustomed to it, and that comfort was arriving quicker than he'd anticipated. But when it came to sharing a bed?
Wasn't that something meant for post marriage?
They were two men separated by an uneven friendship. None of the stories Tao Hua read ever mentioned this type of setup. He was beginning to realize that his interest had locked him in a world that barely expanded beyond the walls of structure.
Perhaps it was time to reach for the books that didn't end in happily ever afters.
His eyes stiffened toward Shan Si, then slowly moving toward the ceiling, Tao Hua's mind spiralled as quickly as his heart raced. Did friends often share beds? In some houses siblings had to, but that was purely based on social standings and poverty. Chuhen Palace wasn't impoverished, but it was foreign to Tao Hua, so maybe this was typical?
Then his mind wandered and immediately stopped at a concerning revelation.
Just what kind of sleeper was Tao Hua?
For example: he contemplated the likelihood of sleep talking, but that worry quickly washed away at the realization that if he did talk in his sleep, Shan Si would have already heard it. Well, that was another thing to add to his list of things to cry about later.
Moving on, he thought about accidentally kicking him, or taking up too much room. But when he glanced back over, another realization dawned. There really was no way he could take up too much room when there wasn't much room for him to steal in the first place.
That worry also dissipated, and somehow he ended up calming himself down bit by bit, and in doing so he hit another thought entirely.
It wasn't late; rather, Tao Hua typically stayed awake for another few hours while Shan Si focused on his work. So, he glanced back over to Shan Si, who easily had his eyes shut, head tilted back, and that smile still faintly present.
He looked entirely calm for someone who had just been angrily staring down at his desk just moments before.
"You have work, don't you?" Tao Hua asked until realizing just how harsh his question sounded. Shan Si peeked open an eye, side-eyeing him, and promptly Tao Hua pushed himself up until sitting straight.
Placing his hands on his knees, he apologetically exclaimed, "Ah, no, I didn't mean it like that! It's fine if you want to stay. Sorry. I—"
"Awh, so you do want me to stay," Shan Si cooed, teasingly. "It's fine, and you're right. There're piles and piles, almost too many important things that need to be settled, all calling me away from this warm bed."
Shan Si swished his hand in the air before returning it to place, unbothered by the task.
"But let's be real for a second, Tao Hua. How could someone as princely as I ever decline such a kind and eager offer to join a helpless maiden in bed? Those pesky papers can wait. Let some mythical dragon set them aflame, for all I care."
Tao Hua wasn't sure if the way Shan Si worded it was innocent or not; he just leaned his head toward his knees, burying it between blushed hands that covered them.
Helpless maiden?
Shaking his head, Tao Hua decided to move on from Shan Si's silly quip.
If they're that important, then why does he barely get through them? Every time I find him at his desk, he's on the same few documents, and the pile only ever grows taller. Tao Hua glanced up at the study, and quite surely, that pile was almost twice the size it had been a week ago. Even before I pass out, he's still working on them. It doesn't make sense. Are palace complaints that difficult to fill?
The more Tao Hua thought about it, the less sense it made. Each morning he woke up covered in more blankets than before, and his books were neatly piled on the bedside table, which under Tao Hua's assumption was Qian Jue doing.
Why wouldn't she do something about Shan Si's procrastination, or his sleep? It felt out of character for someone like her.
He just let out a loud sigh, the air bouncing off his hands and bouncing his bangs. He couldn't help but feel that there was a lot of information he was missing out on.
"Are you still bothered by the name? Did it really bother you that much, Tao Hua?" Shan Si assumed, once more. "It took me a week to figure out. Perhaps you'll see it one day. Don't worry about that either."
Lifting his head, Tao Hua looked over to find Shan Si now turned on his side, hand propped to his cheek, and the other lazily lounging at his side. This brought him a few inches closer to Tao Hua, nearly leaving him without much room on the bed.
Truthfully, the name held weight, but Tao Hua decided to set it aside as per Shan Si's words, and instead took up one of the few opportunities to discuss matters with him.
"If fine…" he just whispered, "Can I ask you something?"
"Permission to speak, and now permission to ask questions?" He laughed before sighing, planting an embarrassed pout on Tao Hua's lips. "Not bad, not bad. Ask away."
"You're always up so late…" Tao Hua decided to omit the part where he found Shan Si asleep for the betterment of the conversation, and continued, "What are you working on that has you losing sleep?"
"Worried about me, too? Isn't that just the sweetest thing. You should be careful," he jested, leaning his head into his hand and smiling. "Why do you ask? Are you curious about my position in the palace?"
Tao Hua awkwardly smiled, glancing away for a moment, contemplating whether it was the right moment for him to strike out a few of those ever-growing questions on his imaginary list. If there was anything this week had taught him, it was that there was a right way and a wrong way to ask things.
"No…I'm aware you control it and what you say is law here," Tao Hua began, rocking slightly at the reminder of his and Qian Jue's conversation. "What I want to ask is, well, I know…you didn't do a lot of that stuff back at Father's Estate for me. I'm here because I'm useful to you, but I never understood what it is you need and what you're protecting, and why this is a palace if the Imperial Capital exists. I don't really understand anything, and I have this aching feeling it's something far more serious than you're letting on. I think."
At the reminder of his actions outside of the estate, Shan Si's smile fell off completely.
"And, and…I really want to prove that I can be useful and protect you, I think? Be who you brought me here to be. I…think? Is that weird? I think it is…but I don't want to sit back and be someone stuck in stories like you said—"
"I was wrong about that, Tao Hua," Shan Si interrupted plainly. "I've already told you I'm not a good person, and I'm selfish to the core. Most things I do are in my own interest. But…
Shan SI seemed to struggle with the next portion of what he wanted to say, his eyes shifting across the room before saying, "I was wrong about how I addressed the topic, and I'm willing to learn. See? Just how you learn from me. I know, I'm simply amazing at this character growth thing."
Tao Hua leaned further, his chest beating faster with a dull ache. When he brought up the topic, he never intended for Shan Si to pity him or apologize—if that could be called one—so he wasn't sure how to react. Though the final joke did wisp his lips upward slightly, before falling entirely.
After a moment of reverie, he quietly accepted Shan Si's poor attempt at what Tao Hua assumed was an apology with a soft "Mm."
Shan Si watched Tao Hua stare down past his knees and towards his toes, before his own shoulders slumped. Reaching out his hand, he picked up a bit of Tao Hua's hair and playfully twirled it between his fingers.
"This past week was enlightening, you know," he said, grabbing Tao Hua's attention through the corner of his eyes. "Maybe being a character in a story isn't so bad if it brightens you up as much as a book in your hand does. I may not be one of those characters, but I don't mind if you see me as one."
Tao Hua's eyes widened before he whipped his head away from Shan Si. None of this solved why Shan Si came for him in the first place, but Tao Hua's mind was now so frazzled, he couldn't approach the topic.
Muffled, he tried to move the conversation back to why he had asked in the first place; however, it was a slurred mess of mumbled nonsense.
"T-The papers. Siyue Town. Um, the relics? Papers? Writing? Why?"
"We'll get to that," Shan Si said effortlessly. Out of left field, he seriously said, "But I need to make one thing clear: I don't need your protection. Having you protect me…that's just offering you the worst parts of the world on a silver platter. Why would I do that? I'd rather you sit here and enjoy your books, maybe find happiness eventually, or something."
Tao Hua frowned. "But none of those books ever answer my questions. Before, I could use them to survive and get through the day, but now I can't stop thinking about things. And I was kinda…looking forward to working with you."
"Oh?"
"Yeah…" Tao Hua nodded, his eyelids lulling. "I've never had a purpose in life. Well, actually, maybe I did, but none of them were my decision, and I thought I could live fine that way. I don't think I can anymore, Shan Si."
"Fine, fine. Whatever the little princess wants," Shan Si said, dropping the black strand and pushing himself up until he was sitting next to Tao Hua. "But before we continue, let me ask you something first."
Tao Hua cranked his head up to look at Shan Si, who slowly wrapped his arm around his shoulder. It was an odd way to converse about such topics, and the heat was astronomically hot. It would be awhile before Tao Hua understood this method of discussion, having it happened many times before with Shan Si.
"Who do you think is worse?"
Tao Hua's eyebrows knitted. "Sorry?"
"Me or the current Emperor Gaifu?"
Chapter end.