With his back still facing Tao Hua, Shan Si made himself look busy sorting through the messy pile of documents on his study. Due to this, Tao Hua found it rather difficult to get a read on his motives, and couldn't help but feel this was intentional on his part.
"Yes," Shan Si said, acting distracted. "I'll inform the other servants in the coming days, before your return. Your birth name should only ever be saved for those who've earned it. You've been too lenient with the people back in your village, enough to allow them to misuse what your mother gifted you."
Tao Hua's entire body sagged forward, peering down at the paper in his hand. He couldn't understand why he had to choose something as straightforward and miserable as the word "Lonely," and it wasn't that the name didn't suit him. It was perfectly suited for someone of his upbringing!
But there was a small part of him that had wanted Shan Si to see past that and choose something more endearing. He was under the impression given the last week, that Shan Si's generosity and attentiveness would have led to such outcomes.
This is what he got for wishful thinking—the past image of himself was one he wouldn't be able to shed.
"I understand," Tao Hua quietly replied, placing the paper down on the table.
Evicted, and now given a laughable name, the least Tao Hua could attempt was to ask the question he'd been wanting to this entire time. However, each time he tried, he just couldn't work up the courage after their regretful exchange.
Letting out a sigh, Tao Hua stared down at his food with a small pout on his lips, and the next hour slowly ticked by without a single word said nor bite taken. Qian Jue eventually had to take away what had gone cold, and Tao Hua resigned to the bed.
Their evening activities resumed as usual. Shan Si sat at his desk sorting through the things that clearly made him annoyed—more than usual—while Tao Hua sat on the bed with a book on his lap. It was the last of the books Shan Si had left him, so he was taking his time with each word and line, savouring them.
But that was only part of the reason. Tao Hua's mind was so caught up with the name and having to leave that he was working up the courage to ask what he wanted. After a moment of breathing exercises, and obnoxiously uneven ones, he'd open his mouth only to snap it shut.
Shan Si absolutely looked like a man who didn't want to be bothered, and that bad mood emanated across the entire room, choking up the atmosphere.
Maybe he's mad because I didn't like the name… Tao Hua contemplated, frowning slightly. It's better not to push any further. I'm just being ungrateful. Probably.
So, he'd turn back down to the book, until it would start all over, and Tao Hua was back to being unable to focus. Each time he readied himself to ask, another excuse would ring, and then another, and another.
This repeated a few more times until he finally decided to ask! Truly and surely, he would do it!
And so, he opened his mouth once more, only for Shan Si to beat him to the punch.
"What is it?" He asked, staring down at the paper, a quill in his hand. "You've been making the same smacking sound for the last hour. I'm sure it's important enough for it to take you that long, Tao Hua?"
Tao Hua thinned his lips, guilty. Was it important? An hour was generous already; he'd been thinking about it for the last few days.
Shan Si halfway turned his body, his arm extended over the back of his chair, with a slightly impatient look on his face. This didn't make it any easier for Tao Hua, so with an awkward, stiff smile, he stared down at his book, his thumbs pressed roughly against the pages.
"Is it about your name?" asked Shan Si. Tao Hua's forehead began to sweat, just as he flicked the corner of the page a few times. "Your new position…do you not like that? Or is it about having to stay in the palace—"
"Can I have a moment?! Um, to ask?" Tao Hua exclaimed, bending that very corner of the page inward. Though he immediately would regret having found such courage in the way Shan Si's brows furrowed. "S-Sorry…it's none of those things. I should have said that first."
"…" Shan Si leaned back in his chair. He didn't look relieved or annoyed, just confused. "Then what is it?"
"I mean…I would prefer it if you asked me how I felt about all of those things—" Tao Hua inhaled, realizing he wasn't getting tot he point of his question. Quickly, he backtracked and asked, "It's about your bed!"
His head dipped back, nearly smashing against the wall. That was possibly the worst way he could have approached the topic, especially after their dinner conversation. He was starting to sound more and more like a spoiled brat than a grateful guest.
"Is it uncomfortable?"
"Yes! No! It's not—" Tao Hua let out a frustrated sigh. "I'm uncomfortable, but it's not the bed that's uncomfortable."
"I don't follow. Why are you uncomfortable? Is it because it's not your own bed?"
Tao Hua could hear the irritation grow in Shan Si's voice, so he promptly set the book down onto the bed and fisted his hands tightly. Laying them against his knees, he protested, "That's not it! I…I'm just uncomfortable, personally. I feel like I'm taking up so much of your space while you make yourself small."
There was a short pause before Tao Hua added, "I know you've been sleeping at your desk."
Shan Si's demeanour suddenly shifted, as if a switch had been flipped, and Tao Hua couldn't tell if that change was taunting him or relieved at his response.
"So you want to take up less space, is that what I'm understanding?"
Now, that was confusing. Tao Hua made a face, trying to figure out what Shan Si meant by his question, but resorted to nodding his head in response. It was probably the better option, lest another tangent continued down the wrong path.
Shan Si turned back to his desk, tapping the quill in his hand a few times amid his thoughts. To fill the growing silence, Tao Hua gently tugged at the skin on his hands until darting his head up at the first notion of a response.
"This entire palace is mine," he replied, confusing Tao Hua even more. "Every inch. Wouldn't you be taking up space, regardless?"
Just as Tao Hua was going to respond, he hesitated. Shan Si technically had a point—the palace was nothing short of his home, and he was inviting Tao Hua into it. But how did that differ from Shan Si losing a place to rest if Tao Hua had his own?
"And you're certain you want to take up less space?"
"…yes?"
"Hm." Shan Si tossed the quill back to the desk with a thawck; it was discarded with a mere flick, causing the pages to flutter ever-so-slightly at the force. "Not a bad idea at all."
Rising to his feet and shoving the chair back, Shan Si childishly kicked his indoor shoes under the desk and removed his housecoat, leaving him in only his night hanfu. He took his time before approaching the bed with the speechless man, placing his hand on the end of it.
"Smart man," he said.
Tao Hua made a confused noise in response, unable to utter anything more. However, his space was immediately invaded and his breath nearly hitched at the back of his throat. Shan Si leaned inward, but barely lingered. He picked up the book and threw it on the end table, nearly knocking down the pile, before pulling back.
Every bit of Tao Hua was confused and frazzled, unsure how A turned into B.
"I can't tell if you're deliberately witty or dangerously innocent," he darkly laughed, jumping onto the bed and nearly causing Tao Hua to fall off the side with the force of his weight. Despite the discomfort, this was an opportunity for Tao Hua, and he'd use it to scoot as far away from Shan Si as possible.
Not because he didn't want to be near him, of course; Tao Hua was still trying to process everything in real time, especially after the name ordeal.
"I'll heed your request and compromise," Shan Si playfully jested, leaning back onto the pillows, folding his arms behind his head, and comfortably crossing his legs. "We'll share; that way you'll look small."
Tao Hua just stared at him in disbelief, gripping the edge of the bed furthest from Shan Si. When first asked, he never intended for it to be about sharing such an intimate space; however, he couldn't argue that this didn't make him look small.
The two were clearly unmatched, and Shan Si fulfilled his request deviously. There was no way Tao Hua could take up more space than Shan Si, not when this man took up most of the bed.
He still had to figure out if Shan Si's objective was long-term, or this was momentary.
Even worse, Tao Hua didn't know which of the two he wanted anymore.
Chapter end.