When we arrive at the cave, she asks me to take off my clothes while she lights the candles. I smell a fresh scent mixed with the smell of soil. Little by little, I see that the cave is decorated with many flowers and candles, mainly around a huge stone statue — Let's sit in front of the Mother Goddess. She will grant you fertility — Dotea says, and I obey. The sand is soft and cool beneath my legs as we kneel facing each other.
I close my eyes and listen to Dotea speaking in her language. I feel her tracing patterns on my chest as she speaks, until she holds my hands and falls silent. Then I feel her trace a pattern, a spiral on my belly. When I open my eyes, she's still looking at my body — What does it mean? — It's the Sun — she replies.
— Does that mean I'll have a son? What does this symbol portend, Dotea?
— You must sleep with your husband tonight. The Sun God has answered your prayer — she says with a lowered gaze.
Once we arrived at the castle, I summoned the king to my bedchamber. I asked Merana to prepare a bath for me without delay. I quickly washed my body with the still-cold water and rubbed scented oils into my limbs while she brushed my hair — The king is here — Dotea said from the entrance to the bath, so I put on a robe and went out to greet him.
He's standing in the middle of the room while the maid and Dotea leave and close the doors.
— Why am I here in your bedchamber, wife? — says Fortis, wearing a robe. Even though it's tied around him, his chest is slightly exposed and his hair is disheveled.
— Were you with a whore? — I step closer to him and take his chin so I can look into his eyes. I can smell the wine on his breath when he yawns.
— I assume you've thought about what I told you. Otherwise, you wouldn't have called me at this hour.
— All right, let's have a child — I move closer to him and close my eyes to kiss him, imagining he's Emer, but that doesn't work to make me wet.
Fortis picks me up at the waist and carries me to the bed. I take a deep breath and keep my eyes closed while he kisses me to suppress my urge to push him away from me —Wait, kiss me between my legs — I ask him. He seems hesitant, but he moves his mouth down my abdomen until he reaches my vagina. The way he does it doesn't make me feel anything. I close my eyes and try to remember what I used to feel. When I start to feel a little aroused, I push Fortis's shoulders away and turn my back to him to kneel on the bed — Do it now, just do it.
This time, feeling his cock inside me doesn't hurt; in fact, I'd say it's even pleasurable to a certain extent. It doesn't take him long to finish when I feel a strange burning sensation inside me.
— If that's all, you can leave — I say, but he moves closer to my face — Go away now!
— I'll take care of you. I want you to forgive me for what happened before. For what I did to you.
— Just go! — I say, turning my face away when he tries to kiss me again.
When Fortis left, I waited for Dotea to come back, but she didn't. Maybe she thought I'd be with him all night, or maybe she decided to leave now that she'd helped me with the ceremony. I tried to sleep, but all I did was toss and turn in bed until I got dizzy and finally fell asleep. Dotea wakes me up in the morning, and I feel so tired that I decide not to get up — It's better if I don't get up; that way I'll make sure the king doesn't have to come back — I say in response to her insistence that I get up for breakfast. Her disheartened expression worries me. I reach out to take her hand and ask — Will you really stay with me?
— I will — she says, and hugs me as we lie in bed. That's when I know I'm in love.
Over the next few weeks, I found out I was pregnant, and we celebrated by having tea with several ladies of the court, something we'd put aside a while back. Dotea seemed quiet and withdrawn, more so than she had been when we first met, and I found it difficult to ask her directly if it was all because she wanted to leave, until one day she nearly fainted right in front of me — You're weak. What's wrong with you?
— I spoke with my mother the night of the ceremony. She said the Sun God will claim your life when you give birth. The Sun God isn't known for granting requests regarding births, because he is the god of light and death.
— I don't believe you — I say, thinking about everything she just said. This is my fault, it's because I'm an adulteress. —Tell me it's not true — I beg her — Your gods have rejected me because I've never told the truth.
— I'm so sorry about this — she says with sad eyes — The Father has demanded your life in exchange for the lives of your children. I saw twins in the vision. You'll have two children.
I start screaming and lamenting my life. I wept inconsolably until I felt the knot in my throat forbidding me to breathe. Dotea stays to comfort me, and in the morning, seeing her face beside me, I say — I know this isn't fair for you either. I don't want to blame you for your gods' decision — Upon hearing this, she hugs me again, and we stay like that for hours.
For months, Dotea no longer stayed with me at night, but she was always there when I opened my eyes in the morning. Her downcast face saddened me, and I tried my best to make her feel better. I knew she wanted me as much as I wanted her, despite everything, and the thought of never seeing her again overwhelmed me.
<><><> Year 1314 <><><>
I'm quite far in my pregnancy, so I'm holding hands with Dotea even when we're in the room. — You'll take care of my children — I tell her with a smile, but she seems to be somewhere else — Will you take care of my children? — I insist.
— You'll take care of them yourself — she says.
— I've already accepted that, Dotea — I say, turning to face her. Now I understand that this is because of the life I took from my first son — You don't have to use sweet words with me to make me feel better.
— I think I've found a solution. You need to know that I love you.
— Me too — I reply without a moment's hesitation.
— Manady — she says. She looks like she's about to cry — I truly love you, and I love your children even before they're born because I already know who they'll be — she says, caressing my belly through her tears.
I lift her face and wipe away her tears, caressing her cheeks. She kisses me, and I can't resist her lips. She hurriedly strips me of my clothes. Her kisses all over my body send shivers down my spine, making me sigh, and I let myself be carried away by her tongue in our intimacy. We caress each other until we've completely spent all our energy.
We decided to take a walk in the countryside despite the chill brought on by the approaching fall — I'll make sure that death takes the life it's meant to claim. You won't die.
— What are you going to do?
— A sacrifice — he says and sighs — It was a difficult decision, but I've already done everything so I won't have any regrets.
I didn't think Dotea would take someone's life. I cup her face in my hands and say — I don't want you to stain your hands with blood for my sake.
— Nor will I have your blood on my hands — she says, kissing me with such tenderness that it makes me forget what we're talking about — I love you, never forget that.
— I won't — I say, and I can't help but smile when I look into her eyes.
That night, she stayed with me as I slept. Suddenly, she's quiet and seems distracted when I try to talk to her, but I don't think much of it. I think maybe she's feeling nervous because we exposed ourselves by having sex during the day when there were so many people walking through the castle's hallways. I feel guilty for not having held back my moans.
I realize it's already daylight as I hear the curtains being drawn and light flooding into the room. That morning, I notice that it's not Merana who's preparing my bath; instead, it's the maid Dana — Where's Dotea? — I ask as she helps me into the tub.
— I don't know, Your Majesty. Her room was empty when I went to wake her this morning.
— And what about Merana? Why are you here instead?
— Merana is sick. The king ordered that no one be allowed near her, and that I serve you today.
— All right, you may leave. You don't have to help me get dressed; I'll be in bed all day.
The maid nods and leaves the bathroom. A few seconds later, I feel a sharp twinge in the lower left part of my abdomen and a sharp pain shooting down my back. I groan in pain and get out of the tub as quickly as I can. I see a stream of blood running down my legs, and another wave of pain courses through my back, making me tremble and bend over. I take a deep breath and exhale forcefully as I put on my pajamas and wrap myself in my robe. I walk slowly toward the exit, where Dana is standing at the bedroom door — Your Majesty! — she exclaims, rushing to take me by the arms.
— Call the midwife, I'm going to have this baby! — She hesitates for a moment, wondering whether to leave me alone — Go right now, damn it! — I scream as I feel another wave. I feel like I can't walk anymore, so I lean against the wall and slide down until I'm sitting on the floor, holding my belly. I can't stop crying when I see the blood that has stained my pajamas — Dotea, where are you?! — I cry to myself in fear.
After a moment that felt like an eternity, Fortis appeared, flinging the bedroom door wide open, and took me in his arms to carry me down the hallways — You'll be fine — he repeated over and over as he ran. When we reached the king's chamber, he laid me on the bed — You must wait for the master.
After several minutes of pain, the master arrived with a drink and asked me to take it. I drank it in one gulp and immediately felt drowsy. I heard a woman's voice say — You must sleep, Your Majesty. You're not ready to push yet.
I feel so drowsy that my vision is blurry. I wake up several times because of the pressure I feel in my back and abdomen, so the midwife gives me something warm to drink, and I fall back asleep. The time comes when they no longer give me anything to help me sleep, and the waves of pain come so frequently that there isn't a moment when I'm not in agony — You must push, Your Majesty — says the midwife.
— No, I can't! — I cry out through tears and sweat as I pace around the room — I can't!
— Your Majesty, you have to push; you must let us help you — the woman insists.
I get down on my knees on the bed and push with all my might. I push for a long time until I hear the cry and hold the baby in my arms — It's a girl — I say through my tears, and I weep inconsolably for a few seconds until I feel I must push one more time. The midwife cuts the baby's umbilical cord and hands her to Fortis. After several attempts, another part of me comes out, and I welcome the baron into my arms. My pain ended immediately when the midwife removed the placenta.