Everything froze.
It had only been one or two seconds at most, but time felt like it had stopped entirely. I remained completely still as I stared at Lily.
My head was devoid of any thoughts except for the echo of Lily's words replaying over and over again.
Still, a small part of me hoped that maybe—just maybe—I had misheard.
…But I wasn't stupid enough to believe that.
Her shoulders rose and fell as she breathed in huffs through gritted teeth. The burning desire in her eyes flickered, softening just a tiny bit as moisture gathered at the corner of her eyes. But it burned away just as quickly.
She lowered her head and pointed to the door with a trembling hand.
"...Get out."
My fists, which I'd clenched with everything I had, went limp. I didn't even have the strength to bite the inside of my mouth.
I was just left with nothing.
The cold consumed my whole being.
My body moved on its own, putting on a smile.
"Sorry for bothering you," it said in a voice that sounded nothing like mine.
I turned around and dragged myself through the inky black shadows filling Lily's room. The darkness seemed to part for my departure.
I closed the door behind me, then walked to my room. My steps felt hollow, almost like I was walking through air.
Yet, I somehow managed to reach my room.
I closed the door, and without even turning the lights on, I collapsed face-first onto the bed—burying myself from the world.
I closed my eyes and allowed myself to sink further than I ever had.
There was no point in resisting any longer.
After what felt like both an instant and an eternity, I opened my eyes and rolled onto my back. All I saw was black.
Then—a resigned breath pierced through the darkness. And with it, I was able to see things clearer than I ever had.
Regardless of how Lily felt about me right now, I knew that the love she had shown me up until now was genuine. I wasn't naive enough to think one bad conversation or mood swing would change my whole perception of her.
Still, that didn't mean that what she felt right now wasn't true either. Lily… did hate me. Maybe enough to stop wanting to be my little sister.
Then, I was left with no other choice but to accept it. It was her choice. Besides, why would I want the love of someone who hated me?
My pride wouldn't allow it.
A small, cold draft moved through my room. It shouldn't have been enough to chill me, yet a slight frost formed in the corners of my eyes.
I don't want that…
I knew I should let go. I've done it countless times. I've fought with Lily countless times before to the point where we've ignored each other for days on end.
But to let her go completely? To act like we were nothing more than strangers?
I gripped the bedsheet.
What else… would I even do then?
A hollow chuckle reverberated in the darkness. It was… my own, but it sounded different—more distorted from mine.
At the same time, it felt like the shadows in my room began to engulf my chest, leaving a gaping hole in their wake.
Maybe… this is all my fault.
The chuckling slowly died into silence.
I knew not to trust anyone.
I knew not to let anybody in.
And yet…
In the darkness, I heard the faint sound of Lily's happy laughter.
I chose to make an exception just for her.
I let out a quiet sigh.
...I never learn.
But I won't make that mistake again.
As the air left my lungs, my body relaxed, becoming one with the dark.
Because I don't care–
Suddenly, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I didn't move. Then, it buzzed again, then again, and again.
Just… leave me alone.
I pulled out my phone and glanced at the screen. The light burned into my face, but I didn't look away.
Multiple texts had come in from the group chat with everyone in our friend group, but I wasn't going to answer.
My thumb reached for the two buttons to power off my phone. Before I could press down, it buzzed one more time.
It wasn't the group chat. It was Mei. It read:
Ah, that's right. I forgot to respond to her text earlier. I guess I should tell her I'm going to sleep.
I opened our messages and typed flawlessly, then sent it.
She read it instantly, but her reply didn't come. I figured I'd wait for her reply before turning off my phone. At the very least, to let her know that I'd seen it.
She was probably going to tell me to have a good night anyway–
My grip loosened, almost dropping the phone on my face, but I caught it before it fell.
My eyes traced the message over and over again, unable to believe what I had just read.
How… did she know?
Is it just a coincidence?
Did something happen with her?
How–
Numerous questions flooded my mind, but I didn't care about a single one of them. My mind was already made up.
My thumbs blurred across my screen as I typed out my response.
I shoved my phone back into my pocket and pushed myself out of bed. I grabbed whatever clothes I could find, not caring whether they matched, and ran out of my room.
Mom and Dad looked at me in surprise as I passed through the living room and headed towards the front door.
They said something—maybe where I was going—but I couldn't hear anything except my heart pounding in my chest.
I opened the front door, shut it as fast as I could, and sprinted for the alleyway.
My chest still had a gaping hole in it.
But my steps were light.
A warmth flushed my cheeks, even searing the tips of my ears.
And in the center of that hole… there was a bud of—something.
Was it Hope? Relief? Happiness?
I didn't know, and I didn't care.
As long as there was a reason to keep going, as long as I could find that reason, I would do whatever it took.
With that thought in mind, I kept running toward the alley—to where Mei was waiting.
***
Lily POV:
The door slammed shut, and the air in my room vanished with it.
I stood all alone in the center of my inky-black room, my chest heaving, my throat burning raw from my own voice.
My lips curled into a victorious grin.
Serves you right, you arrogant Brother!
For the first time in my life, I had finally won against my Brother. I couldn't help but relish in this sweet sense of victory. I could almost get addicted to it.
I did it! I finally won!!!
I should've been happy. I should've been skipping all around my room, bragging about my win to the heavens.
But instead, I crouched on the floor and covered my mouth as acid scraped up from my stomach.
The vile sound of my gag bounced off the walls of my room and echoed in my ears, muffling my thoughts.
I quickly pushed the acid back down. Once it settled, my arms fell to my sides.
What… is wrong with me?
Why am I smiling?
I just hurt my Brother!
I just hurt… the person I love the most.
… And I was happy about it!
It was as if a dam had burst in my chest. Tears spilled out on their own and fell onto the trembling hands that were digging into my lap.
Why… did I do that?
He didn't do anything wrong…
It was all my fault!
I'm the problem!
So why…
I turned to the wall that separated my room from my Brother's. His words from earlier rang in my ears.
"Sorry for bothering you."
I grit my teeth.
Why… did he apologize?
Why… did I let him?!
It should've been me! Not him!
He didn't do anything wrong!
He's never…
My strength gave out, and I sank into the darkness. I was ready to be consumed—but I felt a soft crinkle under me.
I turned my head to the side. Beside me was a white sheet of paper. My math test. The one that I had been so proud of. And the one… my Brother had spent days helping me study for.
I grabbed the test and brought it in front of me, seeing the big red 95%.
A force pressed against my chest, and with it, a sob broke out. Then another. And another. I brought the test to my chest and clung to it as hard as I could.
My Brother… always tried his best for me.
He didn't look down on me.
He didn't hate me.
That was all me.
And yet I… took it all out on him.
I shut my eyes tight in an attempt to hide from the truth. But it was already too late.
It's all… my fault.
It's my fault… again...!
Then I heard it.
The sound of his door swinging open hard, followed by frantic, heavy footsteps. It wasn't his usual lazy stride. He was running.
My eyes shot open, the tears froze, and I jumped up.
D-don't tell me!
My heart dropped to my stomach, the acid threatening to rise again.
No!
My body moved on its own and threw itself at the door, pulling it open as fast as I could.
I let out a sharp gasp.
My Brother bolted past the hallway and flew down the stairs. I heard my parents' confused, muffled voices from downstairs.
T-that's right! It's late at night! Mom won't let him leave!
As if to confirm the thought, Mom shouted, "Son! Where do you think you're going this late–"
Before she could finish, the house shook with the sound of the door slamming shut.
My mouth hung open.
You… can't be serious…
He left…
He actually left.
All because of—
The test still in my hand let out a soft crinkle. I slowly turned my head down. A single crease had crossed the big 95%, separating it in two.
Me.
The tears melted, resuming their fall. There were no sobs and no cries—just empty tears.
I brought the test up and pierced through it with my nails. Then, with my left hand, I grabbed one side and pulled. The test ripped, scattering at my feet.
I'm sorry, Brother…
I turned to his door. It was closed shut.
I knew that I shouldn't. I knew that I had no right. And yet… I crumpled the remaining pieces, tossed them into the corner of my room, then moved until I stood in front of his door.
I slowly reached out my hand… and twisted it open.