Today I'm going to tell everyone a joke, a joke about me. It's all from my own personal experience, not someone else's, so everyone please don't project yourselves into it, to avoid getting hurt. In today's popular speak: dangerous stunt, do not imitate.
今天给大家讲一个笑话,关于我的笑话,都是我自己的亲身经历,不是别人的,所以各位请不要把自己带入了,以免受伤.用现在流行的话讲就是危险动作请勿模仿.
Before I came to this company, I also had a rich life experience. I'd worked construction sites, done design work. The more skilled I got, the more I realized my boss was just managing blindly. The thing is, technical work isn't something just anyone can do, but that's not how my boss saw it. He figured, who's really in charge here—you or me? He decided it was him. He went with a grad student's design, figured since I only had a bachelor's, I couldn't be right. I told him that guy's calculations were wrong, that he was just bullshitting him, but he wouldn't listen. Turns out that grad student finished the project design and then quit, just up and left. And when the project was actually built, it failed spectacularly. He'd been played, but instead of blaming himself, he took it out on me.
在来到本公司之前啊,我也是人生经历丰富啊,干过工地,做过设计,业务越来越精,就发现领导越来越瞎管.关键这技术活不是谁都能干的,但是领导心里不这么想啊,他寻思你说了算还是我说了算啊?他认为他说了算,用了一个研究生的设计,他觉得我是本科,我不行.我告诉他那人的计算不对,糊弄他呢,他不信.结果那个研究生做完这个项目设计就跳槽了,跑了,结果这边项目建成开车失败.他被耍了不反思自己还给我穿小鞋.
Was I gonna take that? Life is precious, love is even more so, but without money or love, freedom is non-negotiable.
我能受他那个吗?生命诚可贵,爱情价更高,没钱没爱情,自由不可抛.
I'd quit before, and I wasn't gonna serve him anymore. I was done.
老子又不是没辞职过,不伺候,老子不干了.
After I left, things went downhill for him too. Everyone knew what he'd done, and he tanked another design firm.
我走之后他那边也是每况愈下,都知道他干咋了,结果他又干黄一个设计院.
But his downfall didn't put food on my table. I had freedom now, but no money.
但是他怎么样我不能当饭吃啊,现在自由有了,钱没了.
As the saying goes, a single coin can bring down a hero. Without money, even the northwest wind is hard to drink. To survive, I couldn't be picky anymore. I swallowed my pride and threw myself into the fiery service of the people—I'd go sell vegetables at the market. And just like that, I began my career as an uncle selling vegetables.
俗话说一分钱难倒英雄汉,没钱喝西北风都难.为了谋生也就不能挑三拣四了,放下尊严,投入到火热的为人民服务当中去,我到市场卖菜吧.就这么我就开始一个大叔的卖菜生涯.
On my first day, I pushed my tricycle to the market, found an empty spot, and just planted myself there, watching the crowd go by. I thought to myself: I used to be the one buying vegetables, watching them from the other side. What goes around comes around—today it's my turn standing here. A dragon swimming in shallow water gets teased by shrimp; a tiger fallen to the plains gets bullied by dogs.
头一天推着我的三轮车来到市场,找了一个空位置,我就往那一戳,看着来往的人流,心想,平时都是我来买菜看着他们,这真是风水轮流转,今天轮到我站在这了,这真是龙游浅水遭虾戏,虎落平阳被犬欺.
The vegetable market may look like an ordinary place, but it's a melting pot of all kinds—every type imaginable, and not easy to deal with. The thing is, it's not just about buying and selling. There's haggling, making change, and if you're not careful, people walk off with things you didn't even notice.
菜市场别看是一个很普通的地方,但是这里也是三教九流,鱼龙混杂的所在,啥人都有,成绩难伺候了.关键它这地方不光是买菜卖菜,还有讨价还价,找钱多了少了,不注意还有看不见拿的.
In the dead of winter, with that little northwest wind blowing, I snapped out of my daydreams. No more wandering around complaining about fate—I might as well get into character and sell my vegetables in peace.
这大冬天的,小西北风儿一吹,我立马放弃幻想精神了,就别摇哪撒嘛怨天尤人,抱怨命运不公了,有那时间还不如赶紧进入角色,消停儿卖菜吧.
I turned to my left and saw an old guy with a pile of small fish—maybe a thousand or so. I quickly greeted my fellow vendor:
我扭头往自己左边一看,一个大爷,不知在哪弄来一堆小鱼儿,有个千把条吧.我赶紧跟同行打个招呼,
"Oh my, Grandpa Fish-Thousand, you're here early!"
"哎呦,鱼千大爷,您早来啦,"
"Hey there, young man, haven't seen you before."
"哎呀,小伙子没见过你啊?"
"Yeah, that's right, I'm new to this. Please give me some praise, Grandpa Fish."
"唉,对,我是新入行的,还请鱼大爷您多多吹捧."
"You've got quite the mouth on you, kid. You messing with me?"
"小伙子你这嘴碴子挺哏啊,逗我?"
"No way, no way. Please take care of me, grandpa." Then I looked to my right—
"不敢不敢,大爷多关照."说完再往自己右边一看,
Oh my god, it nearly blinded me. So gorgeous—my dream girl, the national goddess, Teacher Cang has arrived. She was dressed just as simply as ever. I was stunned, but my eyes had gotten their money's worth.
哎呀我去,差点晃瞎我的双眼,太靓丽了,梦中情人国民女神,苍老师也来了.穿得还是那么简单,我人都傻了,眼睛也值了.
Today, Teacher was rocking twin long braids with a diamond-studded black choker, an orange-red deep V-neck swimsuit, white fluffy bracelets and anklets, the suit's neckline slit all the way down to her belly button, and two flyswatters stuck diagonally at her waist, heads up, covering her chest on both sides. She wasn't just selling flyswatters—her stall also had mosquito coils, cockroach poison, and rat poison.
只见老师今天,双马尾长辫子佩戴镶钻黑颈圈,橙红色深V领泳装,白色绒毛手环脚环,泳装领子开衩一直到肚脐眼儿,腰间还斜插了两个苍蝇拍,头朝上,挡在左右胸前.她不光卖苍蝇拍,摊位上还有蚊香蟑螂药耗子药.
I couldn't help but feel deep admiration. What kind of internationalist spirit is this? She was the enlightening teacher for so many homebody introverts in their youth. After completing remote education for several generations of teenagers, she's now come thousands of miles, hands-on, fearless of the Great Northeast's freezing cold, to help the Chinese people eliminate the four pests—and still dressed as beautifully freezing as ever.
不由得我心中感慨,无比崇敬,这是一种什么样的国际主义精神?年轻的时候曾经是多少宅男社恐的启蒙老师.在完成了几代青少年的远程教育之后,现在又不远千里,亲历亲为,无畏大东北的天寒地冻,来帮助中国人民消灭四害,而且还是穿得一如既往地美丽冻人.
Look at her—she's already made it, yet she chose to come back, still shining for the world. I couldn't help feeling ashamed. How could I be so defeated by just a little setback in life? Could I be more tired than Teacher? Could I be more ashamed than Cang Jing?
看看人家,功成名就了,依然选择复出,继续为这个世界发光发热,我不禁自惭形秽.才有怎么一点人生挫折就如此颓废?再累能有老师累?再羞能有苍井羞?
At this moment, Teacher Cang is my life idol, she's become my spiritual totem. I'm not even naked yet—what do I have to be afraid of facing the passing customers?
此时此刻苍老师就是我的人生偶像,她已成为我的精神图腾.我这还没一丝不挂呢,有什么不敢面对往来消费者的呢?
Thinking this, I started looking up at the passing crowds, watching them walk by and glance over at me.
想到这我开始抬眼看着往来人群,在我面前走过,朝我这边看过来.
I quietly cheered myself on in my heart—be brave, don't be timid. Just pretend they're not customers, but a formation coming before me for inspection.
我的心里也暗自给自己打气,要勇敢面对,不能心虚.就当他们不是顾客,是来我面前,被我检阅的队伍.
Sigh. My confidence suddenly surged. Watching them pass by in rows and columns, I suddenly felt a voice from the bottom of my heart wanting to burst out. That voice echoed in my mind:
唉.我这一下子底气就足了.看着他们一行行,一队队地在我面前走过,我突然有种发自肺腑的声音像要喊出口.那个声音在我的脑海中回荡,
"Comrades hello... Hello, Chief."
"同既们吼...首长好."
"Comrades have worked hard... For, the service of the people."
"同既们寻苦喽...为,人民服务."
The momentum was grand and majestic. My back instantly straightened, and I couldn't resist the urge to raise my right hand.
声势浩荡,大气磅礴,我顿时腰杆就硬了,按捺不住举起右手的冲动.
Just then a skinny old lady asked, "How much is this?"
这时候一个干瘦的老太太问,"这个怎么卖."
I snapped to attention, right arm extended diagonally upward, and shouted with conviction, "Hey, broccoli, five yuan."
我卡嚓就一个立正,右臂伸直指向斜上方,中肯地喊出了,"嗨,西兰花五块."
She was so startled she shuddered, mumbled something, and walked off. I don't know what she was complaining about.
当时给她惊得一哆嗦,嘀嘀咕咕走了,不知道埋怨我什么.
I was annoyed at her too, thinking: who asked you about broccoli right at the peak of my mental climax? If you'd asked about winter melon, I would've shouted "Hoorah!" And if anyone came to a vegetable seller like me asking for bread, I'd tell them five hundred thousand marks.
我也埋怨她,心想,谁啊让你在我颅内高潮这节骨眼儿问西兰花了?你要是问东瓜我就喊"乌啦!"了.谁要是找我一个卖菜的买面包,我就告诉他五十万马克.
But the mental victory method only feels good for a moment. Once the high wore off, I had to face reality. Looking around, all the other vendors were shouting to sell their vegetables. I had to learn from them and get into the game, but I just couldn't open my mouth. How could I, a proper engineer, sink to that level?
无奈精神胜利法只能爽一阵儿,过了兴头儿还得面对现实,你看看别的商贩都在吆喝卖菜,那我也得学他们入行,可是张不开嘴啊.我堂堂工程师,怎么能堕落到那样的层次?
Thinking it over, I felt frustrated, and couldn't help but hum Pavarotti's "O Sole Mio":
左思右想我心中烦闷,不由得就哼哼唧唧地唱帕瓦罗蒂的,我的太阳,
"Oh, what a brilliant, radiant sunshine. After the storm passes, how clear the sky."
"啊 多么辉煌 灿烂的阳光
暴风雨过去后 天空多晴朗."
I was purely entertaining myself, singing while gazing at the sunset on the horizon. Too bad my business hadn't made a single sale yet.
我纯自娱自乐,边唱边眺望天边夕阳,可惜我的买卖还没开张.
"Oh, my sun, that is you. Oh, sun, my sun."
"啊 我的太阳 那就是你
啊 太阳 我的太阳"
I sang while watching people pass by. No one stopped, so I just kept singing to myself:
我边唱边留意人群走过,没人驻足,只好孤芳自赏接着唱,
"When night falls and the sun no longer shines, my heart is desolate, wandering alone."
"当黑夜来临 太阳不再发光
我心中凄凉 独自在彷徨,"
I sang and felt sorry for myself. At this rate I wouldn't even get to taste the northwest wind. To fill my stomach, I had to take an unconventional path—the evil cultivator makes his entrance. With that thought, I perked up, zeroed in on my target customers, and started chanting my uncle song. My voice wasn't loud, but my delivery was precise—targeting middle-aged and older women specifically, while throwing flirtatious glances:
我边唱边暗自神伤,这么下去西北风都没得尝,为了填饱肚子只能剑走偏锋,邪修登场.想到这,我打起十分精神,盯准我的目标客户,开始吟唱我的大叔歌,虽然声音不大,但是投送精准,专挑老娘们跟大妈,边唱边抛个媚眼儿,
"Though this uncle is old, he doesn't mess around. He never wears worn-out shoes, so his feet never get wet."
"大叔虽老但不乱搞,
破鞋不穿从未湿脚."
Sigh, an older woman's gaze drifted over. Sure enough, she had more life experience than those young fairies:
唉,有个老娘们的眼神儿飘过来了,果然比小仙女有生活,有阅历,
"Young man, your future is uncertain. Your face is tender, your fire is strong—can't set my heart at ease."
"小伙年少前路缥缈,
脸嫩火旺放心不了."
I turned around and saw an auntie edging closer from the other side:
我回头一瞧,这边也凑过来一个大妈,
"Though this uncle is old, he ignores all the noise. His plans can solve worries, his words can enlighten. Young man, you have many temptations leading you astray. Everything becomes a fight, no harmony to be found."
"大叔虽老无视纷扰,
计可解忧言以开窍.
小伙年少利多欲导,
凡事必吵和美不了."
After a few verses, I'd become the idol of the middle-aged and elderly women at the market. The crowd surged, gathering around me:
几句小调过后,我已经是菜市场的中老年妇女偶像,人头攒动,纷纷围了过来,
"Though this uncle is old, his faith never falls. Love isn't about quantity—once is enough to last till old age. Young man, you're impatient and always rushing. Either you hit the mark or you get knocked out."
"大叔虽老信仰不倒,
爱不在多一次到老.
小伙年少短急爆票,
不是中标就是打掉."
After singing the uncle song, quite a few older sisters and aunts had gathered around my stall. Each one pretended to be picking vegetables—glancing at the produce, glancing at me, occasionally asking how much this or that costs.
一首大叔歌唱过,不少大姐大嫂都围着我这个摊位,一个个仿佛挑选蔬菜的样子,看看菜,看看我,偶尔有人问这个怎么卖,那个怎么卖.
Seeing the crowd growing, I figured I'd answer my fans' questions all at once, so I opened my mouth and shouted:
我一看这人气上来了,统一答复一下粉丝疑问吧,于是开嗓吆喝,
"One uncle song, carrots one-fifty, cabbage eighty cents. Pick whatever you like. Buy what you see, count it right there. No returns or exchanges once it leaves the stand. You picked it yourself, so don't blame anyone else."
"大叔歌一首啊,萝卜一块五,白菜八毛,喜欢哪个自己挑啊,看好就买,当面点清,离柜概不负责退换,自己看好了都是自己选的,别埋怨别人."
Just then an auntie picked up a carrot, looked at it, and said:
这时候一个大娘拿起一个萝卜看了看说,
"Your carrot has no moisture left."
"你这萝卜没水分了啊,"
I had to explain to the customer right away:
我得赶紧给顾客解释,
"Yeah, it's old, more wrinkles. But it doesn't affect the taste. Old carrots don't sting when eaten raw, and they make rich soup."
"是啊,老了,褶子多点.但是不影响吃啊.老萝卜生吃不茬心,炖汤味道浓."
Another auntie picked up a cabbage, looked at it, and said:
另一个大嫂拿起一个白菜,看了看说,
"Your cabbage is wilted too?"
"你这个白菜也蔫了啊?"
I had to explain to the customer again:
我又得赶紧给顾客解释,
"Don't look at it being a bit soft—it's been sitting here a long time. Vegetables with lots of water are firm and taste crisp, but they're hard on the stomach."
"你别看它软了点儿啊,它放哪都时间长.水足的菜硬,吃着爽口,下去伤胃."
"Your carrot is small," the auntie said, reaching out to squeeze it.
"你这个萝卜个头小啊,"大娘说着就要下手捏,
"Hey, don't squeeze it, absolutely don't squeeze it. Pick the one you want. If you squeeze this carrot soft and then don't buy it and walk away, then I sell two squeezed-soft carrots to someone else at the same price—wouldn't I feel terrible? Right? Put yourself in my shoes, you can't be too CNN. Besides, small carrots taste tender, right?"
"哎,别捏,千万别捏,看好哪个拿哪个.你说你把这个萝卜捏软乎了,然后你没买,走了.我再以同样的价格,把两个被人捏软乎了的萝卜卖给别人,我亏心不亏心啊.对吧,将心比心,做人不能太CNN.再说萝卜小,它吃着嫩,对吧."
"Then your cabbage has few leaves."
"那你这白菜叶子少啊,"
"Don't pick at it! Don't pick at it!" I shouted sternly. The auntie next to me holding the cabbage froze—she'd been about to use her shovel-like thumbnail to pick at the cabbage to check the moisture.
"不能抠!不能抠啊!",我厉声呵斥,旁边那个大嫂手持白菜都愣了,她正想用她那铁锨一样的拇指指甲抠白菜,看看水分.
But I also had to explain to the customer in a friendly tone:
那我也得和颜悦色跟顾客解释啊,
"We can't pick at it with our hands. If it's damaged, I can't sell it for the same price. No one wants to pay the same price for a second-hand cabbage, right? If they know you picked at it, fine, but if they don't, they'll think a black boar rooted through my cabbage. We need to put ourselves in each other's shoes. Even though this cabbage has fewer leaves, it means it grew well."
"咱可不能用手抠啊,破了可就卖不上价了,破了就卖不上价了啊.谁也不想花同样的价钱买棵二手白菜,对吧.知道的是你用手抠的,不知道的还以为我这白菜是被黑公猪拱了的呢.咱们得将心比心,互相体谅啊.虽然这菜叶子少,说明它长得成."
By now the surrounding aunties were all chipping in:
这时候围观的大娘大嫂们都发表意见了,
"I want a carrot that's round and big, so it fills my mouth nicely."
"萝卜我想要颗又圆又大的,把嘴塞满才舒服,"
"I want a cabbage with long, juicy leaves that slide smoothly in my mouth."
"白菜我想要叶长多汁的,吃到嘴里滑溜溜的,"
I saw this wasn't right—they weren't here to buy vegetables, they were here to make wishes. At their age, spending almost eighty cents and still wanting this and that?
我一看这阵势不对啊,她们不是来我这买菜的,是来我这许愿的啊,都啥岁数了,花个快八毛的还想要这要那的?
I got annoyed too and told them bluntly:
我也不乐意了,没好气儿告诉她们,
"What I have is right here on display. Buy if you want, don't if you don't. Who's forcing you to buy?"
"我有啥这不都在这摆着呢吗?乐意买就买,不乐意买就拉倒,谁逼着你买了不成?"
The old fairies immediately got upset:
结果老仙女们当时就急了,
"Huh? What kind of attitude is this? We're customers. The customer is God. We are your God, and you need to serve your God well."
"啊?你这是什么态度?我们是顾客,顾客是上帝,我们就是你的上帝,你要服务好你的上帝."
I didn't back down either. I raised my hand and pointed diagonally across:
我也没让着她们,抬手一指斜对面,
"Then you Gods shouldn't be at my little stall. Across the way is Tian Shang Ren Jian Fresh Supermarket—it satisfies all of Gods' needs."
"那你们上帝不应该来我这小地摊啊,对面天上人间生鲜大超市,满足上帝们的一切需求,"
As soon as I said that, the Gods calmed down. Money really does silence servants. They all started making peace:
我此话一出口,上帝们也不躁动了,这真是钱压奴婢手,都打圆场,
"Oh brother, look what you're saying. We're all just ordinary folks."
"哎呦大兄弟,瞧你说的,我们都是平民百姓家的,"
"Hey, when it's time to pay you're crying poor, but when picking vegetables you're acting like you're in heaven? I'm closing up. The city's locking down tomorrow, hurry home..."
"诶吆,掏钱的时候你哭穷了,挑菜的时候你咋就上天了?收摊了,明天就封城,赶紧回家..."
I said that, pushed up my tricycle, and pedaled away. I don't know how far I'd gone when I heard someone calling from behind:
说完我推起三轮车,蹬上就走啊.也不知走出去多远了,就听后边有人叫我,
"Brother wait, brother!" A sister's voice—not that old, huh?
"大兄弟等一等,大兄弟,"一个姐姐的声音,不那么苍老唉?
I stopped and turned around. Sure enough, a sister had caught up. She walked close, spat out a shrimp from her mouth, and said with an embarrassed look:
我停下来转身一看,果然,一个姐姐追了上来,走到近前,从嘴里吐出来一个虾仁儿,满脸抹不开地说,
"Brother, look. When you were selling vegetables just now, they were all picking through the produce. I noticed a big shrimp fell out from your chest. I thought it was a free sample for customers. Look, I already peeled it—it's clearly boiled, the color is pink and red, curved and long, bouncy and elastic, tastes salty in my mouth, the taste of the sea. It's a shame your shrimp head is so big, I love that, sucking on it is especially flavorful. But I hadn't even sucked on it a few times when you closed up, so I chased after you to return this shrimp."
"大兄弟啊,你看看,刚才你卖菜的时候,她们都在挑菜,我就发现啊,从你怀里掉出来一个大虾,我以为是给我们顾客试吃的呢,你看我都扒好皮儿了,一看就是白灼的,颜色粉嫩通红,又弯又长,吥呤吥呤有弹性,放嘴里咸滋儿滋儿的,大海的味道.可惜了的你这个虾头这么大正好我喜欢,嗦啦起来着还特别有味儿,可我这还没等嗦啦几口呢,大兄弟你就收摊了,我这才追着把这个虾仁儿还给你."
After she finished, I took back my only remaining shrimp. I looked at the shrimp—the shell was all red from her sucking on it. Then I looked at this sister, her face flushed and breathing hard. I was filled with emotion and said:
听她说完,接过我剩下唯一这个虾仁儿,看看虾仁儿,被这个大姐嗦啦得虾皮子都通红了.再看看这位大姐满面潮红气喘吁吁,我是感慨万千,我说,
"Sister, you're really an honest person. I only had this one shrimp left. If you sucked on it a bit longer, it would've burst. I thank your ancestors eight generations back."
"大姐啊,你真是实在人啊,我就剩这么一个虾仁了,再让你嗦啦一会儿它就得爆浆了.我谢谢你家八辈祖宗啊."
The sister didn't get mad when I said that. She smiled and kept pressing her lips together, and from her mouth she pressed out something, pinched it with her fingers, and handed it over:
大姐听我说完倒是没生气,笑眯眯地在那抿嘴,抿啊抿地,从嘴里抿出来什么东西,手指一掐,递了过来,
"Brother, hehe, the shrimp whiskers are still in my mouth. Returning them to you too."
"老弟啊,呵呵,大虾的须子还在我嘴里呢,也还给你."
Then she made a heart shape with her fingers:
说完还手指比了个心,
"Brother, come back tomorrow!"
"老弟你明天再来啊!"
（Translated by ERNIE Bot）