I sighed.
My family insisted that Ryder and I stay for breakfast, which was one of the biggest mistakes I have EVER made, because we had already had too much family time for one millennium.
After a while, Jules strolled out of her room, and we finally started eating.
AND Ryder helped my mom make the food, so I already knew this shit was about to be good. They were the two best cooks I have ever met.
"Ryder was very helpful," Momma beamed, which was a dig at my dad without fail.
But I watched as Sandro's fiancé's face twitched.
Is she okay? Maybe it's the caffeine because I know she drinks a lot of it.
I started to eat as I stared at Ryder. "What did you make, honey bear?"
He gave me a sour look, then started pointing at the things he'd made.
"And then we made the oatmeal and pancakes together. I am not very good at breakfast foods, but I tried to be a good help," he said with a smile.
"How was the bed last night?" Jules asked.
Ryder pinched my thigh, "It was good, nice to see all of Dom's childhood photos." But I could tell Sandros's fiancée, and Jules didn't buy our story.
"Yeah, with the hickies, I'm sure." What's a hickey?
I watched as Ryder laughed at Jules' comment.
"What's that?" my dad asked.
"I have no clue," I said, and Ryder started laughing, continuing to run his hand up and down my leg.
The laughter died down as new conversations formed, but I kept getting more glances than usual.
Hey, we tried to be quiet.
I felt Ryder's hands slowly get higher until he was fully touching my dick under the table.
I leaned over to him. "You are playing like I won't do round 3 right here."
"You are disgusting," he said, pushing me and letting go.
I started to smile.
"Dominic, how'd you sleep last night?" Sandros's fiancée asked, taking my mind off my boner that was actively growing.
"Fine." I watched as Ryder's hand somehow traveled back down to my leg. "Actually, I am not even going to lie, I slept pretty well."
"Slept like a damn log," Ryder said, and I started to laugh.
Someone put me to sleep very nicely.
God, is it bad that I am already horny again?
Like, just thinking about him has me…I watched as Leo's contact lit up my phone.
I stood up, "I am gonna take this, I will be right back."
"You can't pause the work for your family?" Jules asked
"It will just be a second," I said as I made my way to the front door, opened the door, walked outside, and shut the door.
"What's up?"
"Dominic." That's not Leo's voice.
"Matteo? Where is Leo?" I asked, and I felt myself start to get worried.
"Still asleep, I fucked him pretty good last night."
"When I get home, you better be out of my fucking house, do you hear me?" I asked, raising my voice at him.
"I am playing, he won't even let me get anywhere near him."
"Good."
"Anyway. I was calling because Elena and her men came to the house and started shooting."
"This morning?" I asked.
"Yeah, she tried to shoot out a couple of windows, but she must have found these guys on the street because no one could fucking aim. Thankfully, it didn't wake up Isabella or Leo, but I left her a little surprise."
I sighed. "What does that mean?"
"Nothing, just shot one of her men dead."
"In my front yard?!"
"Yep. She took him away, though, it's a shame really, I was gonna use his head as a prize."
Bullshit like this makes me kind of thankful for him and Leo's little fling because that could have been me, dead in someone's yard.
Not could have, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ME.
"Yeah, maybe don't do that."
"I won't."
"Good."
"For Leo's sake." It should be no, I won't do that because that is some crazy people shit, not just for Leo's sake, but okay.
"Yeah, so knowing her, she will come back, but she is trying to space it out."
"How do you know?"
"She is doing it so she catches you off guard. She knew you went out of town to visit family, that's why she thought she could get into the house and kill whoever's inside, that being either Leo or Isabella, but she didn't expect me to be here, so she laid off."
"Oh, okay. Well, we are coming home sometime today, so once I wrap things up here, Ryder and I will head on over."
"Be mindful while you are driving, because she knows your car."
"Okay, I will." And just like that, the line went dead.
Wait. If Leo won't let Matteo near him, how the fuck did he get his phone?
I rolled my eyes.
That's a thing to think about later; all I know is that my family is safe, and that is all that matters to me.
I looked back down at my phone. Oh fuck Thomas texted me. Elena came to him and Zayne's house, too.
I sighed.
That is beyond annoying, but I knew my happiness wouldn't last forever.
I put on a smile and opened the door back up.
I walked into the dining room, and everyone was still eating, so I slipped right back into my seat, trying my best to smile.
Ryder pinched my thigh.
I turned to him. "Everything okay?"
"It never is, baby," I said to him with a smile.
Part of me wanted to lie.
Wanted to keep him in the dark so he wouldn't have to think about the danger we constantly live in, but I didn't.
I didn't lie to him.
And it felt.
Well, it felt really good and made me want to smile genuinely.
"Was it with the lady at the hospital?" he asked, and I nodded.
"She is out for blood," I said, and he nodded.
"Are Isabella and Leo okay?"
I nodded. "Thankfully, Matteo scared them off and attempted to keep my property from being vandalized too," I said and forced a laugh out.
"And are you okay?" he asked, now rubbing my leg.
Better than okay now.
I felt myself lean closer to his ear. "I'll be better than okay if you go a little higher."
He pushed me and started to point at me as I laughed. "You are a dirty old man," he said.
"What is happening?" Jules asked.
Of course, she would be the first one to notice.
"Nothing, someone needs a shower," Ryder said, interjecting before I could say anything.
Jules nodded, but her face said she read right through his lie.
Then the family went back to talking, and Ryder turned back to me, repeating his question. "Are you okay?" This time it felt more serious, and it made my throat go dry.
"I will be fine. I just need everyone I love to be safe and happy, that's all."
"And what if that's at the price of your own happiness?" Ryder asked with this sad kind of look on his face.
Well.
Actually.
His face was supposed to be sad, but he looked kind of pissed off.
"That's fine."
"It shouldn't be, you should be happy too," he said sternly.
"I am happy."
"No, you aren't," he muttered. "Just cause I bat my eyes at you and give you a mediocre performance doesn't mean you are 'happy.' It is okay not to be okay," Ryder said.
"I'm fine. I mean, I am not too much of anything, but one thing I do know is you and your so-called mediocre performance has me rock hard."
"Moment, all the way over, you are dirty."
"I know," I said, and he shrugged and went back to eating.
"How was it?" I turned to my brother.
"How was what?" Ryder asked him back.
"Oh, you know."
Ryder rolled his eyes and laughed.
Then I watched as my mom started to get the dishes off the table, and Ryder quickly stood up to help her.
Holy ass.
Before I could even comprehend what I was doing, I slapped a soft hand on Ryder's ass.
But he paid me no mind and kept getting dishes while smiling at my mom.
"He's gorgeous." I turned to Sandro, who was now talking to me.
"I know."
"Didn't know that was your type."
"Neither did I."
"I can see why you fell for him, though. Warm dark skin. Chubby face. Narrow eyes. And a nice ass."
"Okay, that's too much," I said.
"I'm not wrong."
"That's my fiancé, though."
"I know, I'm just admiring."
I rolled my eyes. I forget how much of a number he is, my lord; he says so many weird things.
"What made you switch?"
"What?"
"Like from girls to guys."
"I didn't switch, I just like him."
"Good answer, didn't you just like Lova too?"
"I should pop you over this table."
"I'm playing, I'm playing." Sandro put his hands up in the air. "I think he's more gorgeous than that woman anyway," my brother said, and I turned around.
I found myself smiling as I watched Ryder and my mom wash dishes and laugh.
"Yeah, he really is."
"Bet he's a piece of work though." I turned around to face Sandro. My god, I can't stand him sometimes. "Does he bitch a lot?"
"No, not really."
"Not really?"
"Everyone bitches, it only makes you a piece of work if you bitch a lot."
"Yeah."
"How does he feel about the mafia thing?" Sandro asked.
"The whole reason why he has been stuck with me, so I don't think he likes it that much."
"Does he even like you?"
I shrugged. "I guess so."
"Do you like him?"
"You know I do. I fall fast and hard, and I think it's the right one this time."
"Still has his whole life ahead of him, though, and you just locked him down for life," Sandro mumbled.
God, I hate him. "You're a bitch, you know that, right? You play it off as this Playboy nice guy, but you are a dick, dude."
"Not as big of a dick as you are, my dear brother."
"Also, don't let him get too involved with the mafia life," my brother added.
"It's too late for that; he's the target for everything now."
"I don't think anyone would dare kill such a pretty thing," Sandro said with a smile on his face.
"Don't call him a thing, you are making it weird."
"Sorry, sorry."
"How are you and your fiancée?" I asked, changing the topic to him.
I watched as his smile dropped, and he looked over at the couch. A smile reappeared, but this one was fake. Now I know whatever comes out of his mouth is gonna be a lie because without saying any words, he just spoke one thousand.
"We are fine, just going through normal couple things," he said with an indifferent look behind his smile.
"That look is telling me you're not fine. And wait, I thought you guys broke up. What happened to that?"
"Oh yeah," Sandro said, and a spark of joy appeared in his eyes, and then it faded once more as I could tell his mind started to race.
He let out a dry cough. "We are still together, but we just had some normal fights. You know, normal couple things." Right, because the more you say the words 'normal couple things,' the less I am going to believe you.
"Elaborate."
"Well, you know how she gets. She somehow always brings me back to her, no matter what she does to me, who she does it with, she always drags me back to her, and I always forgive her."
Oh.
He shrugged. "Smitted by what used to be there, I guess," he said with an uncomfortable smile.
"I forgive her for cheating, or lying about being pregnant, but she can't fucking come with me to my family's house, right, because that makes sense."
"She's here now, isn't she?"
"I had to beg her."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"I am sorry that happened," I said.
"It's just the way life is. I guess I deserve this."
"You don't."
"I do, and I have accepted it. I mean, at least I have someone to grow old with. Unless…" he stops himself and the color returns to his face. "Ryder has some other siblings or friends of the same age or older who look like him. Let me know because he's a looker."
"So you are a cheater too?"
"Nah, I'm just playing, I just like eye candy."
"So emotionally cheating?"
"I don't call it that, because I don't think of them as anything more than that."
"Right. Well, I'm sorry about all that."
"It's whatever. I hope you and Ryder are happy."
"Thank you," I muttered, and the two of us got up.
"It's a shame, truly," he mumbled and walked over to his fiancée, who paid him no mind.
A damn shame.
After some time lustfully staring at Ryder from afar, I finally dragged myself up into my bedroom to pack our stuff.
I wonder.
I wonder if I were normal, would Ryder still want to be with me?
Would he still be with me if he didn't have to?
Is he only staying out of fear? Out of all those things that aren't love? Is that why he's staying?
I wish he could have met me when I was his age.
We would've been similar ages, and he would've met me before all of this.
Before I became who I am.
Maybe then we would have been a Leo-and-Matteo situation.
God, but I don't want that for him.
I looked up at the giant antagonizing photo in my room.
The more I stare at it, the more…the more I realize, nothing has really changed.
I wish it had, I really do, but it hasn't.
I mean, I did what everyone wanted me to do.
I got married, hey, I even had a kid.
I was finally living that perfect life. That perfect life I was destined to live. But somehow it still felt empty.
I loved Lova with my whole soul, with everything I had, and in return, well, she walked out on me.
She left me to become this bigger monster, now too afraid even to love.
I
Sometimes. Sometimes I feel myself wondering about her.
How is she doing?
If the mafia killed her.
I do wonder.
I know I am not supposed to because she walked out on our child and me, but I loved her, I really did.
And no one can replace or change that love.
I stare at the Ryders' clothes in my hands.
His shirts, pants, underwear, his everything.
I feel my heart race when I am with him.
He makes my heart beat faster than she ever made it.
Even on our wedding day, that was the happiest I had ever been.
Seeing her walk down the aisle.
It was the most beautiful thing ever.
But.
Now.
The memories are fragmented. They are scattered and being replaced.
Being replaced by this 21-year-old who makes my heart beat out of my chest.
This fucking high school dropout who did sex work with one of my biggest rivals.
This guy is replacing the memories of the woman I thought I would love forever.
She was nothing like him.
She never cared as much as he does.
She didn't make me feel loved like he does.
Now, memories of him limping around, smiling at me, or giving me a nasty look, or just doing something, are replacing the memories of her.
And no matter how hard I try to remember, I can't.
Our wedding day has been replaced.
Our wedding night has been replaced.
Every time we slept together has been replaced by memories of Ryder.
The love I had for her has faded.
And now all I can fucking think about is all the small things she did.
All the small things that were fine because it was Lova, that now truly irked and disgusted me to the point of throwing up.
All this love I once had.
It. It's gone, and all I can think about is how much I fucking hate her.
And not just for walking out on me, not for fucking treating me the way she did.
Treating me like I was something disposable, treating me like I would always be second, always be third, always be last.
I would never be first in her heart, and for some reason, that makes me so mad now.
Everything about her makes me so mad.
And now.
As I hold…Ryder's underwear in my hands.
I somehow realize that I'm over her. I am truly over her.
And for all these years, these years of pain she caused me, fuck her.
I hope she got killed, I really do.
And that makes me terrible, it does, but I hope when she got home that day, she got a bullet hole right through her stupid fucking forehead, or she got shot and bled out alone.
Alone because that's where she wanted to be when we met, where she wanted to be when we were together, and where she will stay for the rest of her life, if she is even alive.
All of those perfect memories. Shattered and replaced with new ones.
I smiled.
Now, when I think of him, these feelings I could never feel with Lova, or any woman for that matter, are back.
These feelings.
I felt one of my hands slowly go down.
Down where they shouldn't go.
I can't get these feelings. I can't get this guy out of my brain.
This.
Oh god.
His everything, even his flaws, none of them make me internally angry.
They don't make me wanna hide every emotion I feel.
They make me wanna love him.
Love him more than I physically can.
They make me want him in indescribable ways.
I licked my teeth.
My brother was right about me being a dick.
I mean, I love Ryder for his everything: his personality, his attitude on life, but no matter how many times I try to be a good guy, I can't get his body out of my brain.
Oh my lord.
Especially last night.
Oh, I pray I never forget that.
Oh god, the way he sat.
Everything was.
Imperfectly perfect.
God, I want him. I want him in these dirty, sick fantasies, I want him all day, every day, twenty-four seven, three six mother fucking five.
I want him while he lets out that sweet fucking sound.
I want him to beg me, asking me to…
"Dominic." I felt my shoulders tense up immediately as my hands came out of my boxers, and I quickly stood up and turned around while throwing his underwear somewhere other than my hands.
"The fuck is your problem?" he asked me with this nasty attitude.
For some sick reason that made me harder.
Oh my god.
"Nothing."
"Tell me."
"I was thinking about Lova." his face dropped. "And how much I hate her. Now I can hardly remember our wedding day because they are replaced with memories of you."
"I can't remember the nights we spent together, the dates, the happiness; it's all replaced with this irreparable hate, this disgusting hate I have for her. And my mind started to wander from there to all about you."
He gave me a seductive smile. "Oh, I'm sure it did. Do you need help packing?"
I nodded.
We continued to pack, talking about random things, until we were standing at the front door.
We had been saying goodbye for like thirty minutes, and my hard-on and I were so fucking over it at this point.
"It's always so good to see you," Sandros's fiancée said, reaching in to hug me.
Then she pulled back and gave me a weird smile.
"Someone's happy to see me, too." I was doing a really good job of keeping this a secret, but nooooo, you just wanna talk, because that's all you ever do.
I pulled her closer. "Let me tell you a secret. Look behind you." She did just that. "Do you see Ryder's fat ass in those shorts?" she turned back to me.
"The thought of those off has me hard as a rock, so don't flatter yourself," I said, and I pushed her back with a smile.
After that comment, I think it is VERY MUCH time for us to go home.
"Make sure you eat all of Ryder's cooking and don't eat takeout," my mom said.
"Yes, Mom, I will."
"And Ryder, make sure Domie is eating enough; he looks a little skinny."
Ryder smiled at her. "He is eating plenty, but I will fatten him up for winter for you," He said, and my mom smiled back at him and gave him his 4th hug.
"Okay, bye, I love you guys. Call or text if you need anything, now please," I said, and with a few kisses and a bunch of waving, we were in the car and driving back home.
"What did you tell Sandro's fiancée?" Ryder asked, with an eyebrow raised.
"That seeing you in those shorts is making me hard."
"You did not!" Ryder said, smacking me, appalled.
"I so did, it was more vulgar than that too, you wanna hear?" I asked, slipping a hand on his inner thigh and rubbing it.
"No, I don't. Please pay attention while you drive."
"I am, your thighs just feel." I look down at his inner thigh. "Why is that part shaved and the other parts aren't?" I asked.
"I don't shave my legs, that part just grows less hair or none at all."
I nodded. "Oh, cool."
"Do you want me to shave my legs?"
"Nah, the leg hair is hot."
I heard Ryder started to bust out laughing as I physically cringed.
"You are so zesty I can't." Like a lemon? I am so confused.
I smiled. "Okay, mommy." If he thought it was funny, then I did too!
"And you are making it worse," he muttered, playing with my aux.
After a while of driving, we were now in traffic, and I was tapping my hand on his thigh to the beat of a song I didn't know, and he was singing along with a smile on his face.
I smiled at him. "I'm glad we met."
"Me too," Ryder mumbled in between song lyrics.
I should.
I should take him on a date.
He definitely deserves that.
"Why don't we plan like a date?"
"Where's this coming from?"
"I wanna be a good fiancé."
He nodded slowly. "Something at home would do just fine; it doesn't need to be anything special. In fact, I don't like fancy dinners," Ryder said with a smile.
"Noted. We can do something at home."
"Thank you."
I felt my mouth go dry.
"I love you, Ryder."
He smiled. "I love you too, Dominic, I love you too."
I smiled.
The words were true. They were so true.
Unlike those times before when I was unsure, unsure of my perfect life.
Even now, I am unsure of almost everything, but I do know one thing.
I know those words are true, and they always will be true for him because no one can replace this feeling.
This feeling of love.