I sighed.
God, he's so cute, so perfect.
I looked over at Ryder. He's been out for twenty minutes now, and I have just been staring at him.
And I think it's because I feel so fucking guilty; it's crazy.
No matter what he says, I feel like nothing can undo what I did, and it hurts.
No amount of money. No amount of love. Nothing can make up for the fact that I ruined his life twice.
Even if he gets better, he will never be fully better, and it hurts thinking about that.
I watched as the door opened, taking me out of my thoughts.
"Hi, boss," Leo said, and I quickly shushed him.
"He's sleeping," I whispered, pointing at Ryder, and Leo nodded slowly, quickly shutting up.
When Ryder first fell asleep, I texted Leo that we should get some work done.
He then said I should leave the hospital, and I responded hell no and told him to kick rocks.
So now he is here, and thankfully, without that fucker, he calls his 'man.'
He handed me my laptop and sat on the chair next to the bed.
I opened it and typed my password.
"Glad that fucker is not with you," I said with venom in my voice.
"Hey, at least I got him off your back. This is the first time in a long time that he's actually backed off."
"Yeah, but at what cost?" I asked, raising my eyebrow.
Leo rolled his eyes and let out a sigh. "Just be grateful."
"Be grateful that my best friend is fucking my number one enemy? Yeah, fucking right, I'll be grateful."
"Shhh," Leo said. My face dropped, and I looked at him irritably.
"And we aren't fucking."
"Yeah, right, you're not."
"We aren't," Leo said.
I raised my eyebrow. "Swear?"
"Swear, we are starting over just like you guys."
"Did the BDSM thing put you off?"
"Did the lying thing put Ryder off?"
Oh.
Leo started to laugh, and I shushed him."Gagged."
"What?"
"Nothing; now open your email; I sent you something."
"You sending me emails? Wow, Matteo is really changing you."
"You actually being a good guy? Wow…"
"Suck up fucker," I said, cutting him off before he could "gag" me some more or whatever he said.
I clicked on Leo's email. "Victor Moretti. The guy who drugged Ryder?"
Leo nodded. "And the guy who betrayed Matteo."
"So Matteo didn't plan it."
Leo shook his head. "Matteo wasn't lying."
Weird.
I continued to read the email out loud. "Description: Matteo's former right-hand man, or whatever role he had. He is using his position to manipulate everybody. No one is safe from him. He is trying to plan Matteo's downfall, but it is failing miserably, and now no one in the crime world will ally with him."
"Good," I added.
"He is taking over many of Matteo's operations, or actually trying to do so. But a lot of it includes human trafficking and weapon smuggling. Why is this email split up like this?"
"Are you talking about the traits section?"
"Yeah, fuck does that mean?" I asked.
"Like what his traits are. He is strategic, manipulative, and willing to betray anyone for power."
Oh, okay.
"Okay," I said, picking back up from where he left. "Yeah, his operations focus on illegal trafficking, drugs, and people. He tries to modernize stuff and use advanced technology to evade law enforcement and rival bosses."
Okay. I guess.
I scrolled down more.
Elena.
"Who is Elena 'La Sombra' Rivera? And why the fuck does everyone have these weird-ass nicknames as middle names?" I asked.
"No clue about the nicknames, but I was doing some research on Victor and just the Mafia in general, and she has been an emerging power. She's ruthless yet principled and maintains a pretty good public image, running high-casinos and luxury resorts as a front," Leo read.
"She's trying to take my crown," I read out loud.
"Apparently, she has been doing this for years, and we just now noticed her, so she is not doing that good of a job, but I think that it is important that we have her on our radar at all times. And yeah, besides that, that's all for the mafia stuff I found," Leo said.
"Okay, yeah, thank you so much for coming here and actually using your emails…" My voice faded out as I watched the door open.
Then Leo and I both shut our computers as Ryder's nurse came in.
"Oh, I see Ryder is sleeping," she said, and I nodded.
"Yeah, he was tired from our physical therapy and eating," I said.
Or was it from the medication?
The nurse nodded as she picked up a bunch of stuff.
"Do you think he is feeling tired from the medicine? Because he only took a couple of bites of food and then told me it hurts when he swallows, do you think the medicine is affecting his sleeping and eating?" I asked, fixing my question.
The nurse stopped. "I think it's definitely from the medicine and the fact that his body is in the process of healing. For the hurting while swallowing, I don't think that is a side effect of any of the medicine, so maybe he needs to add…"
I cut her off. "Isn't he on too much medicine already? I don't think prescribing him anything new will help. I think it is draining him."
"Well, the medication is keeping him with us today to make sure his organs don't shut off, and he doesn't need surgery. The coma almost killed him and me, and his doctor was talking about how it is very impressive that he is breathing on his own without a machine. So maybe we just see how he is tomorrow with the medication, and we go from there, but I understand your concern with all of the medication, but it is making him better, trust me."
Okay.
Making sure his organs don't shut off.
Oh.
Okay.
I.
I don't.
I don't want that.
I really don't want that.
I gulped as I felt the guilt start to come back as I thought about what she had just told me.
The coma almost killed him.
The coma that I CAUSED almost killed him.
Maybe…if I hadn't seen him from across the park and roped him into this, none of this would have happened.
Maybe if I hadn't slept in that day, none of this would have happened. He would have still had a broken leg and arm, but he would have been able to walk and not rely so heavily on the medicine to keep him alive.
He would have been able to leave the hospital and go home. But no.
Now he is here, and it is all my fault.
I gulped and let out a shaky sigh.
'It's impressive that he is doing so much stuff on his own.'
That hurts. It hurts so much.
I just want him to be okay and shield him from any more danger.
I just…"Dominic." Leo pulled me out of my thoughts, and I looked over at him.
"You're crying again," he mumbled.
Oh.
I rubbed the tears that had fallen down my cheeks.
Fuck, I haven't cried in such a long time. And then when he was in his coma, I couldn't stop crying, and now that he is awake and I should be happy, I am still fucking crying.
I am crying because I just want him to be okay.
I am crying because he is in pain.
I am crying because guilt is slowly eating me up inside, and it is making me physically sick.
"It's okay to cry," the nurse said.
I let out a tasteless laugh. "I know."
She walked closer. "Do you know?"
I nodded. "I have been alive for 38 years; I think I know." I felt venom in my voice even though she was just asking.
"You seem like the kind of guy who hasn't cried since he was a baby, and now, when you are going through all of this, you are pretty overwhelmed with everything that is happening, and can't control your emotions, so that's why you are crying."
Oh.
"You should be a therapist," Leo said, laughing.
"Am I correct, though?"
Yes. But I would never admit that.
"You are very correct, but his pride won't let him admit it," Leo said, taking the words out of my mouth.
She nodded. "I figured. Dominic, it is okay to cry; don't let anything or anyone tell you otherwise," She said, and to take my mind off everything, my eyes started to move every which way. Oh, I didn't even notice that she had the food cart in her hands.
"Okay," I said, nodding slowly.
"If you guys need anything else, you know where to call me," she said, and just like that, after completely reading my whole identity and dropping off food, she left.
"She got your ass so good."
"Shut up," I said to Leo, and he started to laugh.
Then I watched Ryder rustle in his sleep, and I turned back to shush Leo, who put his hands up and mouthed an apology.
"You can leave now unless you have something else to show me," I said.
"Not mafia-related, but go back to the email I sent you and look at the following one," he said.
I opened up my computer and scrolled down. "Ryder Callahan, what's this?"
"Just some stuff on him to help you rebuild that trust you guys once had."
Oh.
"Of course, it is not everything, but just some stuff I found, and then the rest is up to you to figure out when you get to know him more. And who knows, it might even change your feelings for him."
"Change, that's funny."
"Not like that, boss, like, who knows, it might make you fall deeper in love with him."
Oh.
I like the sound of that.
I would love to fall deeper in love with him.
I turned my attention back to the email, and I started reading. "He was top of his class? That's fucking crazy," I said.
"Yeah. He has so many fucking awards that my computer crashed when I opened the page with everything on it. A lot of them were regional essay competitions that he got 1st place in." I felt myself smile.
That's why he was so helpful to Isabella.
"But he also has a record of being suspended multiple times. Like for talking back to teachers, skipping classes, smoking, and just fucking with people."
"That doesn't seem like him at all, besides the smoking part," I said, with a worried look on my face.
"The more you know, I guess. He also had a social media page and a private poetry blog, where he shared his personal and emotional writings. I read then, and I lowkey fucking bawled," Leo said.
"He volunteered at the local animal shelter, was part of a young theater group, and was in his school musical."
"He can sing?"
"Apparently so because he got the lead role for that year's musical."
I read more into his email. "A lot of people didn't like him; why?"
"Well, he was too perfect, I guess. I am looking at some of his classmates' social media posts about him, and they didn't like him because there wasn't a single thing he was bad at."
"People hate on you for that?" I asked Leo with a crazy look on my face.
"Apparently so. He was just genuinely so good at everything, especially musical theater stuff, jealousy took over for a lot of people, and I think that's when he started to sit alone and be ostracized."
Oh. It hurts my heart to hear that.
"I guess you can ask him about the rest, but that is all I have for now," Leo said, and we both shut our laptops again.
I smiled.
Oh… that did make me fall more in love with him.
I opened my phone.
"How much does acting school cost? Or whatever that's called."
"Same as college, there are just a few more expenses tied with it."
"Okay, then that's doable," I said, and sent a message to one of my men who also handles Isabella's college fund.
"You'd better ask him before you jump the gun!" Leo said, pointing at me.
"I will, I will."
"Okay, boss, I will see you tomorrow or whenever, but I have to get back to the house and work on some stuff."
I nodded. "Make sure to keep Matteo at bay for me."
"Will do," and just like that, Leo left.
Then I put my phone down, slid down so my head hit the pillow, and I started to cuddle Ryder as I kissed his face.
I will ask him about all of this stuff tomorrow, and ask if he wants to go to acting school.
Yeah.
That sounds like a good plan.
I smiled as I closed my eyes.
Such a good plan.