Before we begin, I must clarify something relevant: I am a Christian, and I attend church on Saturdays.
THE BEGINNING
At church, I had a friend named Kaori. She was an extroverted girl, just like me; she was sweet, calm, kind, and very talkative. She loved to sing—I think that was what she enjoyed most—and she sang very well, too. I remember she was the same age as me; we had been friends since we were little because our mothers had been friends forever. They used to dream that we would get married; they often joked, saying things like, "Oh, look at them, they look so good together," because we got along wonderfully.
BUT ONE NIGHT, EVERYTHING CHANGED
One night, Kaori arrived upset, and we had a small argument.
ME: —Wow, look who we have here. You almost never come on Thursdays. Did they force you to come today?
KAORI: —Yes, they forced me...
ME: —Ah, no wonder.
KAORI: —I didn't want to come. It's boring, I'm sleepy, and I usually don't come because I stay with my grandmother. —she replied, annoyed.
ME: —And, why are you so upset...?
KAORI: —Shut up! I'm not upset about coming to church, but today's topic... I wanted to keep playing with my cousins, plus...
ME: —And what were you playing?
KAORI: —With dolls... girl stuff, you wouldn't understand.
H. MELINDA: —Kids, it's about to start, please come in. Today, I've brought prizes for whoever answers the most.
US: —Yes, sister!
After winning the contest and getting many candy prizes, the children's sermon ended. We were given a break until the adults finished their own service, so everyone could go home. During that short break, we started talking, chatting, and trading candy.
ME: —The service is over. Out of nowhere, I feel a bit sleepy. Do you have any energy?
KAORI: —I'm not sleepy, actually, now that I think about it, I'm thirsty.
ME: —Where can we find water? What about drinking from the tap?
KAORI: —How could you even think I'd drink tap water? It's...
ME: —Bah, I drink from the tap and I'm fine. The trick is not to put your mouth directly on it.
KAORI: —Nah, yuck.
ME: —Come on, try it.
KAORI: —Let's see, okay. —She stares at the tap—. No, I can't, yuck. Don't you have any water?
ME: —If I had some, I'd give you some.
KAORI: —What if you go ask your parents?
ME: —I don't know, what if they don't give me any?
KAORI: —Please, come on. —(She pouts at me).
ME: —Fine, I'll be right back.
KAORI: —Okay.
I went to ask my mom if she had any water.
ME: —Mom, do you have any water?
MOTHER: —Yes, actually, you brought it yourself, don't you remember?
ME: —Oh, that's right.
MOTHER: —I kept it for you. You leave everything everywhere; here, take it and go to the children's ministry.
ME: —Yes.
I had actually brought water, but I had forgotten about it. I went out to give it to Kaori.
ME: —Kaori, I got water, I did have some after all.
KAORI: —Oh, give me some, please.
ME: —Sure, take it. —I hold the bottle up higher.
KAORI: —Ah! You got me all wet, you almost drowned me! You'll see...
ME: —No, sorry, it was just funny. You're all wet, plus... Hahaha!
KAORI: —Get over here, don't run!
ME: —Forgive me.
KAORI: —Not a chance.
ME: —What if I give you the frog chocolate?
KAORI: —Uh, let me see. —She stops.
ME: —Look, take it.
KAORI: —I'll accept it, but I'm very offended. —She says in a cheerful voice, then walks away.
ME: —Wait, give me some!
KAORI: —No... nah, just kidding, have a piece.
ME: —Kaori, a question.
KAORI: —Yes?
ME: —Why did you come here upset?
KAORI: —Ah, it's just that my uncle took all my cousins to the park, but he didn't take me because I had to come here, and everything is so boring.
ME: —And is talking to me boring?
KAORI: —Hey, sorry! I didn't mean to say that being with you is boring, but I really wanted to go with my cousins.
ME: —Oh, okay...
ME: —Kaori... how about we play "train" so you're less bored? —I reply cheerfully.
KAORI: —No, I'm bored of that game, and there aren't many kids here.
ME: —But I can talk to those other kids so there are more of us to play with.
KAORI: —No... I want to play something else. Let's see... ummm, I know, I want to play "Mom and Dad." —She speaks like it's an order.
ME: —Umm, no... that's not fun.
KAORI: —Come on! —She pouts.
ME: —Fine, okay, but... I want to be the dog, and I'll tell those kids they can be your children and husband.
KAORI: —Oh, come on, don't be like that. You play the Dad, and the others play the children. —She says in a sweet voice.
ME: —No, no thanks. —I interrupt her.
KAORI: —If you play the dog, it doesn't make sense! The game is about the Mom and the Dad. —She says, disappointed.
ME: —But I still don't like that game.
Her pouts always convinced me; they were so adorable and persuasive. My parents used to say I was mentally different from other kids, more mature, though I never paid much attention to that; maybe that's why I thought Kaori was adorable. I was mentally different. I was about to say yes because she seemed so adorable, until she said:
KAORI: —If you don't want to play with me, I don't want to be with you ever again. —She responds, super annoyed.
ME: —Okay, fine, let's play, let's go.
KAORI: —No, I don't want to play with you anymore, don't talk to me.
ME: —Don't go, wait! —I grab her hand.
KAORI: —(She pushes me away). —Don't talk to me, I'm leaving, hmph!
ME: —Fine, then get lost... I have better friends than you anyway. —I walk away.
I felt her turn around. I didn't turn back because of my anger, but I had this feeling that she wanted to say something. Although I was also angry, I thought she would come back to apologize at any moment or talk to me later, as she always did when we argued. But the straw that broke the camel's back was that she was already angry from home—because of her uncle and the water; part of it was my fault regarding the water, but it was hers, too.
THREE WEEKS LATER
Kaori tried to approach me several times, but I ignored her and walked away or pretended I was being called somewhere else. The truth is, I didn't want to talk to her; I felt that, unlike other times, she had taken her frustration out on me for everything bad that had happened to her. (Pride... maybe).
One Wednesday night, I saw Kaori hugging another girl named Rubí at the church entrance. I assumed they were friends, though Rubí always attended and I had never seen them together. In fact, I thought they were rivals, as they always tried to outdo each other in Bible quizzes. Just as I was leaving, I knew an interaction was inevitable, so I decided to do something different.
KAORI: —Ángel.
ME: —Hi sister, good night.
H. KATY: —Oh, Ángel, good night. Did your mom come?
ME: —Yes, she's inside in the front row.
H. KATY: —Ah, okay, I'm heading in. Ángel, don't take too long in the bathroom, and don't go playing around.
ME: —I won't play, sister, I'm just going to the bathroom, plus there are no other kids around.
H. KATY: —Ah, right. Kaori, come with me, since your service hasn't started yet.
KAORI: —Yes, Mom.
As Kaori answered her mother, I was already heading to the bathroom, but I heard something:
KAORI: —Oh, he left so fast.
H. KATY: —Kaori, come in.
KAORI: —Yes.
That same night, Kaori approached me.
KAORI: —Ángel, I feel like we talk less and less. I'd like to talk to you more.
ME: —Me too. —I reply cheerfully.
(I thought everything would return to normal).
KAORI: —Ángel, I think yesterday was your birthday, right?
ME: —Wow, yes. How did you remember? I thought you had forgotten.
KAORI: —How could I forget if you are my...
RUBÍ: —Ah, Kaori, I ran into you at the market yesterday, what was that about?
(She hugs her tightly from behind).
KAORI: —Ah, it's just that...
They started talking, and I realized I didn't fit into that conversation, so I decided to leave.
KAORI: —Ángel.
ME: —Yes? —I turn around cheerfully.
RUBÍ: —Oh, and then what did you do?
KAORI: —Ah, I...
When I thought she would talk to me again, she just looked at me for a while until Rubí asked her something and she looked away. I felt a strange emotion; I wanted to get closer, but I didn't know how anymore. I felt that whenever Kaori talked to me and Rubí was there, she would butt into everything. It didn't feel the same anymore, maybe because I was used to talking to Kaori about our week and having her full attention, and vice versa. But everything changed when Rubí was there; she would interrupt with nonsense, trying to make us focus only on what she was saying, or rather, trying to make Kaori pay attention to her. It seemed like she did it on purpose.
After walking away, I went to the classroom, as the Bible study was about to start. When it ended, we were given a break until the adults finished, and Kaori approached me again.
KAORI: —Ángel, let's play with Rubí. —She says excitedly.
ME: —Well, if you ask, let's play.
After playing for a while:
KAORI: —I'm going to the bathroom, be right back. —She says uncomfortably. (She runs off).
ME AND RUBÍ: —We'll wait for you on the bench. —We say at the same time, feeling a bit awkward.
ME: —It seems like she's going to take a while... How are you, Rubí? You don't come very often, right? —I ask, as if interrogating her.
RUBÍ: —I don't want to talk, it feels like you're interrogating me.
ME: —Forgive me if I sounded like that.
RUBÍ: —Do you really think Kaori is going to forgive you?
ME: —What are you talking about?
RUBÍ: —Kaori told me. She only uses you to play and fill that space left when someone is missing; if we knew more kids, we wouldn't call you to play.
ME: —No, you're lying! Kaori isn't like that, you're just saying that so we don't forgive each other.
RUBÍ: —She doesn't care about you anymore. Why do you think she moved away from you and talks to me now? It's better if you leave and leave us alone.
(Thought: It's true, she hasn't approached me again).
ME: —Yes... you're right. Forgive me if I bothered you. Tell her I left because I got bored or whatever, I don't care anymore.
(In a serious and sad voice).
RUBÍ: —Oh... yes, sure, I'll tell her. —Surprised.
(Maybe she thought I wouldn't give in so easily, but my brain was overthinking her words).
At that moment, I understood that I didn't fit in with Kaori anymore, so I walked away and stopped talking to her. But in that instant, when Rubí said all that, I analyzed her gestures and realized she was largely right; that Kaori had approached me just to play. But I remembered the good times I spent with her, even though we were small. I remembered those moments where we didn't fight and we enjoyed each other's company:
WHEN WE PLAYED TOGETHER
ME: —Tag, Kaori, you're it!
KAORI: —Hey, get over here!
(Thought: You had fun with me... was it all a lie? Did you really not want to, or were you forced to?)
OR WHEN ALL THE CHURCH BRETHREN WENT TO THE BEACH
KAORI: —Ángel, you're going too far, the waves are going to take you.
ME: —What are you talking about? I'm at the shore, I'm fine, relax.
KAORI: —Come here and let's build a sandcastle.
ME: —Yes, I'm coming.
ME: —(I splash her).
KAORI: —Ah! Get over here!
(Thought: Did she really feel no concern at all? Was it all fake?)
WHEN THE CHILDREN WENT OUT TO SING
KAORI: —Ángel, I'm so nervous.
ME: —Relax, everything is going to be fine.
KAORI: —Can I hold your hand?
ME: —Yes.
KAORI: —Thanks, you're the best.
(Thought: Did you only come to me because of your nerves and not out of trust?)
WHEN IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY
ALL: —We want you to cut the cake or we're leaving! ... Bite!
KAORI: —No, no bite.
H. KATY: —Give her a small one.
KAORI: —Yes.
ME: —Tag! —(I push her face into it).
KAORI: —Ángel!
ME: —Hahaha!
ALL: —Hahaha, you went too far!
(Thought: Did you hate that moment because I did it, or did you not care?)
OR A NORMAL DAY AT CHURCH
ME: —Kaori, if your mom knows how to make cakes, do you know how to, too?
KAORI: —I don't know, she just makes them.
(Thought: You only talked to me because there was no one else to talk to).
For someone like me, Rubí's words made me see everything in a bad light, but after remembering that and overthinking it a lot, and seeing how Kaori acted in that moment, it made me tell myself:
ME: —We went through all that. How did it all end like this? I feel sadness but no tears; I think it's because nothing will ever be the same again. Well, see you later, Kaori... I should stop talking to myself, they're going to think I'm crazy.
ME: —But seriously, were we ever real friends? Or were we not friends at all, just church siblings?
Now, Kaori's eyes only lit up when she was with Rubí, or rather, she talked more with her; besides, Rubí is a girl, and they understand each other better than they do with me, and they talk about more things. I think that indifference of hers toward me motivated me to stop talking to her and look for other friends. (Maybe it was for the best, I hope... I hope I don't regret it). It was much more fun when it was just the two of us, or well, I think it was only fun for me; I think she didn't like talking to me or playing that much because maybe I bored her.
(The following fragment is what Rubí told me years later):
KAORI: —I'm back, where is Ángello? —She asks, a bit worried.
RUBÍ: —I don't know, maybe he left because he doesn't want to play with us. —She responds as if she didn't know.
KAORI: —It's always the same, he gets angry and leaves. What did I do to him now? —She says, disappointed.
KAORI: —I should look for him.
RUBÍ: —Don't look for him, it won't do any good. You shouldn't play with him anymore, and you shouldn't even talk to him. Have you seen how he talks to you or pulls you around? Plus, you have me, he doesn't matter anymore.
KAORI: —Yes, you're right.
KAORI: —From now on, we'll be best friends, since Ángel isn't anymore.
Kaori forgot about me very quickly when she saw that I didn't want to approach her. Apparently, until that moment, she thought she had no other friends thanks to me; besides, some time later, when we were no longer friends, she started having more people around her, since before I took up all her attention. But the truth is that with me, it wasn't necessary to have a bunch of friends, because I knew how to listen to her, help her, and make her laugh when she felt sad, angry, or happy; but I suppose she ended up thinking the opposite due to Rubí's influence. Little by little, she stopped insisting on approaching me and stopped looking for me.
KAORI: —Good night.
ME: —Good night... see you later.
KAORI: —Wait...
RUBÍ: —Come on, let's go.
(Thought: I thought she spoke to me, I almost turned around... maybe it was just an illusion).
And that was the last interaction between us; later on, she would stop greeting me completely. It didn't matter to me anymore, and I decided not to look for her again; I could make other friends.
("But years later I would regret not talking to her or not reconciling").
Some time later, out of the blue, two girls, Briana and Melani, approached me one night. I had seen them before in groups, as they were the daughters of friends of my mother who belonged to the church, but they didn't come often because they went to other churches closer to their homes.
BRIANA: —What's your name? Do you want to play tag?
ME: —My name is Ángello, and yes, I want to play.
MELANI: —Tag, you're it, Ángello!
After playing, they told me:
MELANI AND BRIANA: —Now we'll be best friends.
ME: —Yes, sure, best friends forever.
When I hugged them, I felt a warmth I had lost with Kaori. We connected very well; we had the same hobbies, we played jokes on each other, and we were more compatible. It was a relief, although I will always wonder if everything could have been different...