Disclaimer: Never say 'no' to adventurers. - Ian Fleming
*****
The Prime Minister surreptitiously hit a button under his desk with his right knee when a fire appeared in his fireplace. Moments later it flared and his most disliked and insubordinate subordinate tumbled in. He hoped desperately that the new protections around his office and person held or their plan to finally bring the weasel to heal would be for naught.
"We have a problem!" Fudge squealed. "Look at this!" The man dumped a run covered stone bowl on his desk.
"Yes, I see the issue. Doesn't really go with the decor, does it?"
To the Prime Minister's intense pleasure, Fudge went from red to purple. "Not the bowl," he growled. The man's wand appeared and he made a complicated motion above the bowl causing the silvery figure of five robots to appear. The robots then set up a large dangerous looking gun of some kind, fired it, and shot a stream of clouds out their mouths.
Testament to his years of experience in the political arena, the Prime Minister didn't bat so much as an eyelash when he viewed the recording.
"Good show," he said. "Exactly why couldn't that have waited for an appointment?"
"That's a recording of a memory one of my oblivators took from a . . . a client," Fudge stammered the last bit.
"By client, do you perhaps mean one of her majesty's subjects whose memory you had illegally altered?" the Prime Minister asked blandly.
"That's not important right now," Fudge blustered. "Those . . . those muggle things destroyed the house of a fine noble pureblood family."
"I suppose you're here because you think the normal world had something to do with it?" the Prime Minister said blandly.
"It's certainly not magical!" Fudge bellowed.
"Ah, probably a mad scientist," he ad-libbed. "Bit like your dark lords. They crop up occasionally, nothing to get too worked up about."
"What are you intending to do about it?" Fudge squealed.
"What do you do about your dark lords?" The PM countered. "What was it you were telling me last week when I expressed my dissatisfaction at some of yours running around murdering Her Majesty's subjects? Oh yes; this is an internal matter and thus none of your concern."
"He's attacking wizards, you won't like what I'm forced to do if you don't take care of him," Fudge threatened.
"Take care of your own problems before you worry about mine. I believe that was another thing you told me last week," the PM retorted. The man glanced at his desk clock. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have another appointment in two minutes."
"You haven't heard the last of this," Fudge blustered.
"I think you can show yourself out," he said, curtly dismissing the sniveling worm. "You know the way, don't you? Right into the fire."
The Prime Minister waited until he was certain Fudge was gone before he opened the top drawer of his desk, pulled out a bottle, poured himself a stiff drink, and picked up a very special phone.
"I've got a situation," he said into the receiver. "I want your best man to investigate the following event-"
IIIIIIIIII
Hermione's Uncle Jim frowned in annoyance when his pager went off, disturbing his date. He'd thought the bloody thing would stop going off at the most inconvenient times after he'd gotten out of the field. It was galling to find out how wrong he was.
"Forgive me, my dear," he said to Ada.
"Of-" a frown appeared on her face when her magical equivalent went off. "It seems that I am needed as well."
"It must be big if they're calling us both back to active service," Jim said calmly. "Do take care of yourself, my dear, I would hate to have to put up with my darling sister's attempts to find me another match."
"It must be bad if both of us are getting called," she agreed. "Do the same, my aunt is just as bad as your sister and I would hate to be back in her sights as I would be without you as an excuse to avoid her matchmaking."
IIIIIIIIII
Robert's grin couldn't have been wider as he hung up the phone. Orders were piling in, both for prints and for the figures. He was going to be so rich.
IIIIIIIIII
Narcissa calmly put the newspaper down on the end table to her left and picked her next piece of correspondence off of the end table to her right. It appeared that they had gotten out of England at precisely the correct time. She shuddered to think at what might have happened if she'd permitted herself to believe that she could have remained hidden for the duration of the unpleasantness. The picture dominating the front page of the newspaper portraying the Longbottom family's new lake was all the evidence she needed to prove that she'd made the correct choice when she'd removed herself and her son from the whole mess.
A snap of her fingers opened the envelope in her hand and her eyes darted over the missive once before going back to read it again. For the first time in a while, a genuine smile appeared on the woman's face.
"Tiki!"
"Yes, Mistress?"
"We shall be needing the second bedroom, prepare it for a guest and prepare a list of elves for me to select one suitable to become a lady's maid."
"At once, Mistress."
"Zap!"
"Mistress?"
"Inform my son that I require his presence."
"Yes, Mistress."
Narcissa reread the note twice before her son arrived.
"You called for me, mother?"
"I have found your sister," Narcissa announced.
"Is she?"
"She is alive," Narcissa stated. "Your father sold her to a family in France. I believe that she was intended to be sold off as a bride or used as material in a ritual once she reached a suitable age." Her lips twisted into a frown for a brief instant. "She's been maintained, but likely not at the level she should have been."
"Where is she?"
"That is none of your concern, Draco."
"You will tell me where she is, mother, and then you may accompany me or you may stay here but she is going to be brought home."
"Draco, while diminished by your father's support of the Dark Lord, the Malfoy fortune is sufficiently large enough to appropriately deal with this matter without compromising our present lifestyle in the slightest."
"What?"
"Draco, my darling child, I am a more than competent duelist. You are not. Do you believe that the two of us would be able to infiltrate a house containing a dozen servants and five family members to retrieve your sister all without any of us coming to harm?" She snorted. "Much safer to hire professionals."
"Oh." The boy considered the matter. "What will happen to the other family after we've gotten my sister back?"
"That depends on her," Narcissa replied. "It may be anything from a note and whatever gold her dowery would have been to having to hire another set of professionals."
"I see, thank you for informing me, mother."
"In the meantime, I want you to write down every bit of information about the Dark Lord you know or think you know as well as any information on the other families. Be sure to indicate your confidence in the information and what sources you remember."
"Yes, mother."
"Information can be more valuable than gold. The right information, for example, might be used to help convince French Law Enforcement that a particular crime may not merit their usual level of attention."
"I understand, mother." The boy smiled. "I think I shall try writing it in both English and French, I believe it may be useful to improve my language ability."
"Wonderful thinking, Draco."
"Thank you, mother."
IIIIIIIIII
Hermione's uncle Jim awoke to find himself staring at a mouth filled with teeth. Not the first time, admittedly, but they usually weren't quite so pointed as the set before him.
"Good afternoon." The teeth moved back to reveal their owner to be a goblin. "You are here because you committed an inexcusable sin by attacking a facility owned by the heiress, a sin which will no doubt see you punished in your next life. My question to you is simple, how much punishment do you wish to suffer in this one before I allow you to experience the next?"
That was one question answered, it was a magical matter. The goblin waved to draw his attention to a side cart covered in cruel instruments of torture. "Your fate has been sealed, comfort can only be purchased with the coin of information."
He heard a loud displacement of air and another creature appeared.
"Winky wants to know if Uncle Jimmy wants sugar or milk or lemon in his tea," the new creature asked.
The goblin stared at the new creature for several seconds. "What?"
"Valentinny has said that when family visits that family will be offered tea," the new creature said, stamping its feet. "Uncle Jimmy is family so Uncle Jimmy will have tea!"
"Uncle Jimmy?" the goblin repeated, eyes darting from the creature to his face.
"Mistress' Uncle Jimmy," the creature confirmed before turning to him. "Does Uncle Jimmy want milk or cream or lemon or sugar in his tea?"
"No thank you, plain please." He put on his most charming grin. "Thank you, Winky."
"Winky will be right back with Uncle Jimmy's tea." She regarded the goblin with a glare. "Does yous wish tea also?"
"I think I'd better have some," the goblin said, sounding faint. "Thank you."
Hermione's uncle and the goblin stared at each other for a few seconds, neither knowing what to say to break the awkwardness.
"Do you have a niece?" the goblin ventured.
"More than one," Jim said cheerfully. "Does your mistress like trains?"
"She does," the goblin sighed.
"Excuse me," a very familiar voice said. "But Winky said . . . Uncle Jim, why are you chained to a table?"
"Just a misunderstanding, darling," Jim sighed, he really should have known. "Nothing to get worked up about."
"Anguish, let him go."
"Of course, mistress," the goblin agreed.
"What are you doing here?" Hermione asked.
"Just thought it a good time to visit to check up on you, darling," Jim said charmingly. "You wouldn't believe the rumors I've heard about what you've been up to."
"Really?" Hermione laughed nervously. "I'm always happy to see you, Uncle Jim, how did you know you'd find me here?"
"Is there some place more comfortable we can discuss this, darling?"
"We could use my private carriage," Hermione offered.
"I assume your friend Luna is here too?"
"She is," Hermione confirmed.
"I will meet you both there, I have a couple small matters I need to discuss with your friend, Anguish, first."
"Okay, Uncle Jim," Hermione agreed.
He waited until she was gone before giving a heavy sigh. "She couldn't have taken after just one side of the family could she? She had to take after both."
"Oh?" the goblin prompted, sounding intrigued.
"I've got stories about her father that would curl your hair," Jim said absently. "Forgive me for not properly introducing myself earlier, The name's Bo-" He cleared his throat. "Excuse me. Bedwyr, James Bedwyr."
"Anguish."
"A pleasure. First of all, please see that an orange flag is flown from the highest point. Second, do you have any humans here?"
"We do."
"Have one walk due east holding a green flag. When stopped, instruct them to tell the individuals that stop them to have Lt. Steven McLain join me. Inform them that I may be able to get him a bit of off the books time with his wife."
"It shall be done," Anguish agreed.
"Thank you, if someone could conduct me to my niece." Jim frowned, he'd almost forgotten. "Was another human captured recently? Female?"
"A bit after you were," Anguish agreed.
"Take me to her first, please, I shall be most put out if she's been harmed and she is who I suspect her to be."
Jim's suspicions were confirmed when he found Ada enjoying a cup of tea with another goblin who introduced herself as Spikenose.
"We were just debating if I counted as family for the purposes of tea," Ada stated. "My aunt and cousin Neville, certainly, but we have been unable to come to a conclusion about my status."
"Leaving that aside, I think our relationships is close enough to have you included. Be a shame to leave you here to Spikenose's professional skills as I had hoped to introduce you to my niece and leaving you here would completely spoil that plan."
"You owe me a knut," Spikenose stated smugly.
"I do," Ada agreed. "You have my permission to remove it from my vault."
"Thank you," Spikenose replied.
"Shall we?" Jim asked, offering his arm. "I have a feeling that I shall want as many people on my side as I can muster for this meeting."
"Oh?"
"I'm afraid the bloodlines from both sides run rather strongly in my niece, hot from my side and cold from her father's."
"You have my deepest sympathies," Ada said, looking more like she was doing her best to suppress laughter than sympathetic.
Jim nodded in appreciation. "Thank you, my dear, that truly means a lot to me."
Hermione was sitting ramrod straight next to Luna when Jim and Ada joined her in her private car, a pot of tea and several snacks already waiting on the table.
"Hermione, may I present to you Ada St. John-Smythe. Ada, please allow me to present my niece Hermione Granger."
Ada smiled at the girl. "Charmed."
"Um, would you two care to take a seat?" Hermione asked nervously.
"Tea?" Luna asked cheerfully, holding up the pot like a child playing tea party.
"Yes, thank you." Jim smiled at his niece, causing her to relax just a hair. "So your godfather tells me you've got giant robots?"
"Uncle Charlie told you about that?" Hermione squeaked, looking nervous. "Daddy doesn't know, does he?"
"Not yet," Jim said ominously. "Why don't you tell me why you used the to destroy a house and we'll decide what we should tell him?"
"Yes," Hermione giggled nervously. "We destroyed one house."
"Why don't you two tell us all about it," Jim suggested firmly. "Be sure to include all the other houses and things that you've no doubt destroyed that I am not yet aware of."
"Don't leave out a single detail," Ada added with a smile.
Perhaps I've spent a bit too much time overseas away from the family, Jim mused to himself. The thought of retirement no longer quite so terrible now that he knew that there was so much potential for fun at home.
IIIIIIIIII
The Prime Minister's smile froze when the nation's senior civil servant invited himself into the office, the smug look on the man's face boding good for no one.
"Ah, Sir Humphrey," the PM greeted the man. "I'm afraid this is a bad time, you see I'm waiting for a report from-"
"One of our security services?" Sir Humphrey nodded. "Yes, I've just received the report on that matter and I thought it best to deliver the news to you personally."
"You received the report?" the PM asked, frowning.
"And I thought it best to deliver it to you personally, Prime Minister," the senior civil servant repeated. "I wanted to ensure that it would reach you as quickly as possible so I took personal possession of it to ensure its quick delivery. Would you like a summary?"
"I would."
"In short, there is absolutely nothing to be done."
"What do you mean there's nothing to be done?" The Prime Minister demanded. "How can there be nothing we can do?"
"I mean that the situation, while not resolved, is rather delicate and it would likely be prudent to pretend that we are both unaware of the situation and unwilling to become aware of the situation at present and for the foreseeable future. Should your currently nominal, hopefully soon to be non-nominal, subordinate in the magical world raise an objection to my presently proposed course of action then I would suggest informing him that there is no information to be informed of at present and that you shall inform him if there is information to be informed of at a future time and that he should thus be on his way and disturb us no more."
"But that doesn't explain anything," the Prime Minister protested. "It's just a bunch of mindless prattle and obscurification."
"It is, Prime Minister, but it's better than telling him the truth."
"Which is?"
"Which is that the mad scientist is more of a mad engineer and that there are two of them," Sir Humphrey stated. "One of whom is the daughter of the man that is both your biggest contributor and also your counterpart in the opposing party's biggest contributor."
"Please ask her if she'd be willing to keep it confined to the magical world," the PM said after a moment of careful thought.
"I do not believe that will be an issue, Prime Minister, we've been able to place one of our best men with her and he has assured me that the situation is unlikely to repeat itself quite so publicly."
"Is that because he's there to stop it now or is it because everyone that's raised her ire is dead?" the Prime Minister asked sourly.
"Quite droll, Prime Minister," Sir Humphrey laughed. "Perhaps it would set your mind at ease to know that the targets of her ire were the same people that have been attacking British subjects with impunity."
"Oh?" The Prime Minister grinned, his countenance visibly brightening. "Do you think there's any way my government can claim credit for her successes against our shared enemies?" It never hurt to remind the public what a dangerous world it was especially when you could take credit for making them think that you'd made it a bit safer for them.
IIIIIIIIII
Draco's heart was pounding when he caught sight of the girl beside his mother, the family resemblance was absolutely striking. He was going to have to put in a lot more practice with his dueling instructor if he was going to have any chance protecting her from the legions of suiters that her beauty would no doubt attract.
"Mother," he said doing his best to sound calm.
"Draco, permit me to introduce you to your elder twin sister. Marinette Malfoy."
"For now," Draco allowed. He smiled at his mother's raised eyebrow. "I was thinking of changing it to Black, with your permission of course."
"I think that would be wonderful, Draco."
Draco turned to the girl, trying to calm himself. "I am very pleased to meet you. The first thing our mother did upon hearing of the death of our father was to start looking for you. Please forgive her, sister, she was unable to act while he was alive to prevent it. Please forgive me, I was unaware of your existence until recently. Informing me was the second thing mother did after she was free to act. Welcome to the family."
The girl stared at him in incomprehension and his mother giggled, apparently amused by the situation. With a sigh he repeated his speech in french. The girl, his sister brightened up immediately and replied. With a wide smile he asked her several questions and was less displeased by the answers than he'd feared he would be. Fifty, no a hundred thousand galleons and a polite note of thanks to her foster family for raising his sister. Much better than he'd feared and much cheaper and more pleasant than the other solution.
"It seems we will not be needing that second set of professionals after all," Narcissa murmured. "Excellent."
IIIIIIIIII
Hermione's uncle Jim pasted a smile on his face as he walked into the interrogation room in which he had briefly been held prisoner.
"Ah, Anguish, I was hoping you were still here."
"What can I do for you?"
"To start with I thought I would thank you for all your efforts to keep my niece safe, I understand that it can not be easy to look after such a spirited girl."
"It is an honor and a duty to do so, no thanks necessary."
"Secondly I thought I'd offer up a bit of unsolicited advice."
"Yes?"
"I would recommend starting off with the destruction of the elbow and knee joints, I was not nearly as helpless as I appeared to be while strapped to your table. Best not take chances in the future, eh?"
"I will take your words under advisement," Anguish replied.
"Wonderful. You wouldn't happen to know where Dobby the elf is would you? I've managed to hear some wonderful rumors about him at the office and I thought it best to confirm them personally." Jim's eyes flicked around, taking in every detail of his surroundings.
"He is likely down the hall keeping company with Auditor Spikenose," Anguish replied.
"Wonderful." Jim's smile widened. "Thank you for your help."
Jim knocked politely on the door and did his best to pretend not to hear anything coming from the other side of it until the door had opened.
"Yes?" the goblin, presumably Spikenose asked.
"I was hoping to have a word with Dobby if he's available."
"Harry Potter sir's Hermy's Uncle Jimmy wants to speak with Dobby?"
"Yes, I've come across a rumor that indicates that you have been proactively dealing with potential threats to my niece?"
"Dobby has been following Harry Potter sir's orders to keep his Hermy and his Loveygood safe from bad muggles," Dobby confirmed.
"Smashing!" Jim said happily. "First, let me thank you on behalf of the family for your efforts. As I said to Anguish, I understand that it can not be easy to look after a girl as spirited as my niece. You have my sincerest thanks along with my deepest and most profound sympathy."
"Dobby is happy to follow Harry Potter sir's orders," the elf said modestly.
"I hope you don't mind if I offer a bit of help or a bit of information?"
"Dobby isn't a selfish elf, Dobby always lets others help with his work."
"You are both a gentleman and a scholar, Dobby." Jim leaned in to whisper. "So tell me, Dobby, have you ever heard of an organization called SPECTRE?"
IIIIIIIIII
Remus wasn't sure what to think when he opened the door to find a werewolf on his doorstep. One who'd explicitly rejected every offer he'd made on Dumbledore's behalf in the past.
The woman was dressed in black riding leathers and had her helmet in one hand and was clutching a canvass bag in the other. Likely not here for a fight if she was willing to handicap herself like that, he decided. Or showing just how little she regards you as a threat, a little voice in the back of his head whispered.
"Lupin," the woman said calmly. "You know Potter?"
"What about Harry?" he growled.
"Give him this." She thrust the canvass bag into his hands. "Tell him we've taken two dozen more and that we'll give him another two dozen if he demands them in exchange for a sit down meeting to discuss terms."
"What?" Remus stared at the woman in stupefied shock for a few moments before he opened the drawstrings and looked into the bag to see his nightmare looking back at him.
IIIIIIIIII
Hagrid didn't make a sound as he stalked through the Forbidden Forest. Neither did anything else. There was something nearby, something big, something that scared every other creature so much that they all hid and hoped that it didn't find them. The half giant smiled. Something that would hopefully be a new friend at best and a potential source of income once taken and processed at worst. He stalked ahead, but that was for later, he had to find it first.
IIIIIIIIII
Luna placed her tea cup down when she caught sight of Winky hovering in the doorway looking distraught and indecisive.
"Please excuse us," the girl said to their guests. "Hermione and I are needed in the other room for something. We will try to get back as soon as we are able." Luna rose to her feet and walked to the other compartment knowing that her friend would follow.
Luna knew that something was badly wrong when Winky locked the door to the adjoining compartment with a snap of her fingers and then when she felt the privacy wards go up. Just what in the world had happened.
"What's going on, Winky?" Hermione asked.
"Harry Potter sir's Totty has asked Winky for an audience with Winky's Hermy and Loveygood," the little elf announced.
"Of course," Luna answered.
"Yes," Hermione agreed. "What's this about?"
Another elf appeared. "Totty doesn't want to kill Harry Potter sir's Lupy."
It took a few moments for the girls to work out that the elf was talking about their former defense professor and several more to find out why the elf might feel the need to do harm to the man.
"Wolvies want to surrender to Harry Potter sir," Totty stated. "Wolvies went to Harry Potter sir's Lupy to ask to surrender to Harry Potter sir. Harry Potter sir's Lupy is going to the Headmaster. Harry Potter sir's Lupy is betraying Harry Potter sir and now Totty should kill him but Totty doesn't want to kill her Lupy. Totty has been taking care of Harry Potter sir's Lupy for weeks and Totty will not get a new wizard if Totty loses this one."
"The werewolves are surrendering?" Hermione's exclaimed in shock.
"Delay him and have someone trustworthy sent to meet with the werewolves on Harry's behalf," Luna ordered.
"Yes," Hermione agreed. "Do not harm him or allow anyone else to harm him without Harry's express order."
"You did the correct thing, Totty," Luna said.
The elf nodded. "Totty thanks Harry Potter sir's Loveygood. Totty is sorry that Totty's wizard is a bad wizard."
Hermione sighed. "Don't feel bad about Professor Lupin, Totty. He didn't betray Harry."
"He didn't?" the elf asked, looking hopeful.
Hermione continued, "Professor Lupin is Dumbledore's man, not Harry's."
The house elf looked confused. "But Haggyrid took the bad giants to Harry Potter sir's goblins when they wanted to surrender and Haggyrid is the Headmaster's?"
Hermione smiled warmly. "Hagrid's principles are stronger than his loyalty to Dumbledore. Lupin's, it seems, are not."
Luna cleared her throat. "Please ensure that all house elves are told that they shouldn't kill anyone for disloyalty without Harry's ordering it or unless it's an immediate danger to someone else."
"Yes, please," Hermione agreed.
"Totty will ask Head Elf Dobby to ask Harry Potter sir," the elf agreed which was probably the best they could hope for.
"Thank you, Totty," Luna said.
"We appreciate your efforts on our behalf," Hermione stated. "Do you mind answering a question for me, Totty?"
"Totty doesn't mind."
"Why come to us about this? Why not Harry?"
"Harry Potter sir is with the Headmaster and Totty knew that Head Elf Dobby would tell Totty to kill Harry Potter sir's Lupy and Totty did not want to kill Harry Potter sir's Lupy because Totty would not get a new wizard to take care of for a long time if Totty did."