But Tao Hua couldn't understand it at all! He was being sincere with Shan Si—utterly honest! And because of that, he somehow ended up in a precarious position, sharing heat that was enough to coat him in sweat, and feeling things he only ever woke up from.
And the worst of it all? It was more than his wildest dreams had ever offered him.
The room felt light after all, so…maybe this was just another dream? Did that mean there was no harm if Tao Hua indulged a bit?
Timidly, he inched himself closer, hands shaking so violently they could have ripped Shan Si's sheer housecoat, but the ultimate problem to this situation was…Tao Hua had no idea what to do next.
He just hesitated inches before Shan Si's absolutely shrewd smirk, watching this man relish in all that he'd devilishly accomplished. His heart began to thump violently against his chest, and each time he thought he'd caught up with his breathing, it would run askew once more.
But Shan Si held up his hand and pressed it against Tao Hua's lips, proudly saying, "If you want something like that, you have to answer questions. Wasn't that our agreement?"
Tao Hua didn't seem to recall what he meant; he just pressed his lips together and looked down.
"Don't tell me you've forgotten?" Shan Si teased. "Already? Back when we left the estate? You give me what I need, and I'll give you what you need. Look at us now? In that very position."
Even if Tao Hua's mind was completely muddled, he could remember a few key details, but the more he thought about it, the less sense it made. Wasn't their deal about information? Tao Hua assists him, and Shan Si gives him information on his family name?
What did…well, any of this have to do with assistance or his family?
Tao Hua's lashes lowered toward the fingers pressed to his mouth—they were slender, longer, and much bigger than his own hands. Why did that thought alone seem to make his chest pound faster? The feeling of Shan Si's hand, just below the dip in his back, felt like it would burst into flames at any moment, and every twitch, jitter, and movement vibrated wildly.
That made looking at the size of this man's hands even more agitating.
Both were clearly unkempt, except one was wickedly excited, while the other could have melted into a puddle of their own trembling.
It was so much that Tao Hua felt the room spin at a rate it hadn't before, and his mind started to go more and more numb to the wine. His eyes lulled slightly, and every third breath hitched against his throat.
This never happens in fairytales, Tao Hua thought sluggishly. Aren't we supposed to get married before any of this…this? This. Any of this happens…? Ugh, the room.
"Well, Tao Hua?"
But to his utter shock, Tao Hua instead dove in, wrapping his arms around him entirely and resting his chin on his shoulders. Turns out it was all too much for this small princess to handle.
Nothing about this hug was even remotely sexual. It was as innocent as the man's voice itself, and Shan Si was stricken as still as waters on a pleasantly blue day.
Pitifully, he exclaimed, "I-I don't know what I'm doing! I don't know how to do the things that happened in my dreams! I've never read any books on them and I just tune out Father when he mentions it..."
Shan Si's eyes just widened, and he looked down at Tao Hua. It wasn't the comment about his father, nor was it Tao Hua's admission to using books to navigate relationships.
What had caught his attention was the mention of dreams and things happening in them.
Those very still waters were beginning to roughen, and Shan Si's face was the sky that darkened them windy. But even if he wanted to take advantage of the situation, he couldn't budge an arm to move where it shouldn't.
Ugh. This usually worked, and he often got his way in these scenarios. Why couldn't he this time? It was becoming a headache for him, giving more than receiving.
"I know it already…I'm a disappointment. I told you that in the f-forest…" Tao Hua began to mumble and slur his words, and to Shan Si's utter annoyance, he flipped his eyes straight ahead and patted his back a few times. What else was he supposed to do?
Even so, he couldn't quite comprehend what it was about Tao Hua's reaction that didn't repel him—anyone else, and he'd be out of the door immediately.
"I want to so badly, but I can't…" Tao Hua mumbled. catching Shan Si entirely off guard. That was the second statement he made regarding the topic. "But I really want to, too…do I even know what I want?"
He looked down at the back of Tao Hua's head, his brows knitting. But he knew that by tomorrow, most of this would be forgotten, so they were hollow words gusting out to that stormy sea.
Shan Si rolled his eyes.
Doing the right thing was the worst thing, and none of this was making those waters any calmer.
If anything, they were more riled than before, especially given its newly found wind.
"Come on, Tao Hua," Shan Si said, placing one hand under Tao Hua and the other around his back. Rising to his feet, he held Tao Hua up and started toward the bed. "You're speaking nonsense. Don't look down on yourself so much. Saying such things will only give others reasons to bag on you."
"I-I'm sorry…" Tao Hua whimpered, drunkly, slurring most words and now dangling his hands against Shan Si's back. "I'll do better."
"Just…do it for yourself. Don't do it for me." He sat Tao Hua onto his bed, reaching for the covers and pushing them back. "Rest. You don't have to do anything unless you're ready."
Unfortunately, despite Shan Si absolutely wanting to take advantage of all opportunities, he just couldn't seem to push himself to. Not when Tao Hua had that pitiful, blushing expression of a sad puppy.
Tao Hua, with his legs stretched out and hands between his thighs, just watched as Shan Si pulled the covers over his legs. He pouted a bit, asking, "What about you?"
"There are no days off for a Palace Lord," he laughed jarringly, carefully pushing Tao Hua onto the pillow and pulling the sheets over him. "I still have reports to finish."
"But this is your bed…"
"Do you want me to sleep with you? Is that why you're asking?" he teased.
Tao Hua's face went a shade of beet red, but Shan Si, though still smiling, scornfully said, "I've been away from my desk for twelve days; I doubt I'll be able to sleep. Don't worry about it—you had an eventful day, so you need it more than I do. Three days, and all."
"But…"
"We'll be able to spend time tomorrow. There's still a good deal we need to go over."
There was a small bit of hesitation in Shan Si before he stood straight and made his way back to the study. Tao Hua drowsily watched as he pulled out the chair and plopped right onto it with a heaved breath.
Placing a hand on the polished wood, he hovered the other just before his mouth, brushing his lips, and after a few minutes, summoned a flame with the click of his fingers.
Against the end of the stick, Shan Si lit the incense into a faint shimmer of ivory smoke.
After the swish of his fingers, he started through the papers, and Tao Hua watched him focus until his eyes lowered and cheek squashed into the pillow. In a low, quiet tone, he said, "Shan Si."
Shan Si glanced over. "Hm?"
"I was wrong about you," Tao Hua mumbled, his eyes lowering. "You're nothing like my father at all…or that scary emperor."
The last he saw of Shan Si's reaction was almost horrified, his eyes sharpening. Tao Hua couldn't understand why he reacted the way he did in the midst of his inebriated tunnel vision.
Before he could catch Shan Si's reaction, the world had completely gone black, sending Tao Hua to the land of slumber.
His final thought wasn't about Shan Si's reaction, but rather how cold the world felt now that he was covered under a quilt.
At least it was the same smell as when he fell asleep in the forest. That was enough.
Chapter end.