The next day, the cause of my grandfather's passing was finally revealed to me.
It was early in the morning, but I didn't mind since I had slept for so long the past couple of days. We sat at the dinner table, across from each other.
"I know this is a really hard time for you so I'll explain as honestly as possible."
As my father spoke, a sinking feeling rose in my stomach.
"In his younger days, your grandfather was a heavy smoker…"
My father began to explain the earlier life of my grandfather.
According to him, he used to hang out with a bad crowd. That led him to start smoking and committing a few minor crimes like theft and battery.
Along with that, heavy alcohol and other substance consumption was very likely.
It was only after meeting my grandmother later on did my grandfather decide to leave that life behind him.
But the effects still remained, making his cardiovascular system already weak. That mixed with age and decreased physical activity made him vulnerable.
So when he started to dig vigorously to create a garden, like he always said he would…his body couldn't handle it.
'Huh..? That's what happened…? Really?'
My whole life, my grandfather had engrained it into my head to never get involved with rough crowds. To treat them well, to respect them, but to never allow them to be involved in your life.
I understood why, but my grandfather mentioned it so frequently it was odd. He even put me in the best schools possible to avoid those crowds.
'So this was the reason? To make sure I didn't live like he did?'
All of his teachings were things he himself hadn't listened to.
I could hardly believe it was the same person.
"Thank you for telling me. If it's not any trouble, may I go to school today?"
My father gave me a confused look.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
I wanted a distraction.
I needed one.
**
Since my father had work, I had to take the bus to school.
I didn't mind. It didn't really matter to me where I was.
I just wanted to get out of the house.
About halfway through the bus drive, a woman and a child came on.
There were no available seats so I stood up and offered mine to the child.
As I stood, I looked out the window, observing the outside.
'Outside is pretty…'
The sun shined in a very special way that day.
Unfortunately, while gazing upon that sight, no emotion stirred in my soul.
**
I arrived at school pretty late. By the time I entered, it was already our second period.
Once I arrived, I just went to class.
I did my work.
I tried my best.
I went to my next class.
I did my work.
I tried my best.
I went to the class after that.
I picked my pencil.
I did some work.
And then after that, I gave up.
I had no energy to do anything else. No drive, no motivation.
I was never a huge fan of studies to begin with, only started taking them seriously because of Elliot.
But I really couldn't bring myself to try anymore.
Eventually, lunch time came.
When it did, I found myself walking to the music room.
I loved hanging out with the others but I couldn't bring myself to meet them that day.
Entering the music room, I felt that it was colder than usual.
'I'm so tired.'
I weakly took off my book bag and sat on the piano stool.
'Maybe playing will help…'
Maybe by playing the piano, I could finally explain what I wanted to say.
I could finally reveal what emotions were buried inside.
So as my fingers approached the piano, I held a small hope in my heart.
'What…?'
I began to play. Pressing one key at a time.
I played fast, I played slow.
I played precise, I played messy.
I played with a plan, I played instinctively.
'Why? Why won't it work?'
My fingers became more erratic. My heart pulsed more than ever before.
And then, I stopped.
There was nothing I could play.
Not a single melody to express my grief.
And so, I began to cry.
I trembled with anger, my brain rattled with confusion.
But most of all…
My soul crumbled with sorrow.
**
'I don't understand anything…'
After lunch, I found that in every class I went to, I understood nothing.
Nothing the teacher had said, nothing about the work I was assigned.
I barely understood the condolences I was given by the teachers after every class.
I was alone.
At one point, as I was moving through the hallway to get to my next class, I passed by Elliot.
When he saw me, I knew he was struggling on what to say.
"L-like I texted before, if you need anything just let me know. I won't bother you but I'm h-here for you," he said after a few moments of silence.
I smiled.
"Thank you."
The fact he cared was so important to me.
Yet, no happiness seeped into my heart.
'I wonder if he told the others…'
My situation being public would've felt pretty odd.
Although, I couldn't bring myself to care.
Time passed, and school soon ended.
And when it did, I went down the stairs and exited the building.
Ping!
I got a notification on my phone.
Pulling it out, I read the message.
'Why…'
It was a message from someone at my piano program.
They were asking for help on a small issue at the program.
Reading it, a sinking feeling appeared in my stomach.
I wanted to go help.
I didn't want to go help.
I needed to help.
I couldn't help.
I was in no state to be helping anyone.
'I know that…'
My fists were clenched so hard I thought blood would soon flow.
I couldn't play the piano.
I couldn't help anyone.
'What do I do? What's going on? Why am I like this?'
A nauseating feeling soon arrived.
'Who…am I?'
At that moment, I had ceased to be.