A while later Dave and the girls herding him arrived safe and sound and their sect.
"Ooooh! This place looks awesome. Those golden crab guys were living in a fucking dump compared to this. Where are we anyway?"
"Oh, yeah. We should probably have mentioned that at some point, this is our sect headquarters. The Ethereal Soul Sect. Why didn't you ask at some point? There have been plenty of opportunities."
Dave coughed, feeling like an idiot for not having asked such an obvious question even though he had been wondering about it and agonizing over asking about it because he didn't want to impose, or seem like a spy who was out to gather information on their sect.
"It slipped my mind, hehehe. I'm always thinking of science and things like that, you know."
Fang Xiu Hua and Liu Yan shrugged, they didn't seem to care much.
Dave blushed slightly, knocking himself for not having asked. Fang Xiu Hua noticed and sniggered which made him blush more.
"Argh! Stop making fun of me! I'm just a poor soul who's not accustomed to the customs of this world, if anything you're an idiot for not teaching me things."
"I'm not your teacher, why would I ever teach you anything?" Fang Xiu Hua retorted.
"You brought me to your sect so when I act like a monkey on drugs it will reflect poorly on you, didn't you say so yourself?"
Her smile faded. "If you decide to act like a monkey on drugs I'll break your knees and elbows and rip out your teeth and-."
"I get it! I keep forgetting how brutally violent you are. Sheesh, I was just joking around…"
Even Liu Yan didn't defend my idiocy this time… Maybe I should behave myself here… hehe…
A large pagoda stretched out across the temple grounds. It had three floors and a large oak door sealing the entrance. There were stairs leading down into a storeroom beneath. Outside a child sat on a wooden bench, gnawing on a burdock root, presumably a younger disciple. An old man who appeared full of wisdom sat on the other side of the bench. He spun a glowing thread in a circle above his palm. As the two girls approached he snapped his fingers and the thread scattered in the wind. Dave had been left waiting nearby while they spoke to the old man. Shortly after they called him over.
"Dave… That's a terrible name. Did your parents hate you?" The old man greeted him insultingly.
"... Old man, what the fuck. Is this where that redhead bitch got her manners from?"
"Nevermind that. It's not your family history I'm interested in. Tell me Dave, where are you from?"
"Heh, straight to the point. Never thought you'd ask. Well okay. I'm from earth where I made a huge scientific breakthrough where I- hehe, I'll just skip the details as they're too complex for someone without at least a PhD degree in physics to understand. Simply put, I travelled here from another dimension using the power of science."
The elderly man ignored most of what Dave said. He was clearly not impressed by anything he had just heard. "Earth…" he muttered to himself.
"Well not just earth. More specifically the United States of America, the greatest country on earth."
Fang Xiu Hua chimed in: "I think he's lying. If anything, he's more likely to be a spy from another sect, possibly even a demonic sect judging by his behavior. In my opinion we should torture him to extract information."
"A demonic sect, now that would be troubling."
Dave felt a cold bead of sweat trickling down his back.
"W-wait, you can't torture me. I have rights! I demand you take me to the American embassy right now!"
"See? He's angry and unreasonable and he keeps talking nonsense."
"She's joking! I'm not a spy I-ugh!"
While Dave was talking a large tome levitated through the air and landed in the old man's hand. He blew a cloud of dust off of it, directly into Dave's face, who was sent into a coughing fit that put an end to his demands for human rights.
"The count of mapo tofu, such a great classic. It was one of the first books I ever read. Every time I read this book it leads me to want to read another four or five books. Eventually I find myself having read a hundred." The old man said as he opened the book and started reading.
"Hey! Are you gonna torture me or what!?"
"Pfft, enough of that. I'm busy now, these books won't read themselves you know. Get him in a uniform, check his aptitude, then let him join the first year disciples."
"Listen here you old fa- wait what? I get to join the sect just like that?"
The old man didn't answer, he simply motioned with his hand for them to leave.
Dave was about to unleash his signature bow of gratitude when he felt a hand on each shoulder stopping him. He turned and faced the two beauties who held grave expressions as they slowly shook their heads side-to-side in disapproval.
Dave was guided deeper into the sect's territory, into a mystical chamber with a glass sphere placed in the middle. An old lady named Rupee Moldberg, who was stationed there explained to him:
It was an aptitude testing device, one that when infused with a person's qi could estimate their aptitude based on its purity. It was not a perfect device, and it would be useless for trying to gauge the power of a high rank master, but for new recruits and your average cultivator it would do just fine.
Aptitude was measured by the color displayed and ranked accordingly:
S - Divine Silver
A - Celestial White
B - Bone Ash
C - Jade Steel
D - Ocean Sapphire
E - Bedrock Stone
Dave placed his hand on the orb and felt a mystical sensation as it drew in his qi. If he had tried to infuse it he would probably have ended up stealing it or worse.
"I can't see anything, what does it say?" He asked.
"This… How can it be? I have never seen such a thing in my life," Rupee proclaimed in disbelief. Liu Yan, who had accompanied Dave there, was equally shocked. Silence filled the room for a while as Dave looked from one to the other in search of an answer.
"His qi is… it is black. Black as the night, black as coal, black as the deepest and darkest abyss. I have never seen or heard of such an aptitude."
"Haha! I always knew I was special. So what does that mean? Do you need to invent some new SSS rank now to contain my awesomeness? Whaddya say we call it Science Silver, fits nicely above the Divine Silver, am I right?"
"It is black you fool! I have never seen such a horrible aptitude in my life!"
"Huh! Hold on, what are you saying? That my aptitude is so bad you need to make a new rank below E to contain it? I won't have that. I reject the premise entirely!!"
"Reject or accept, it is as it is."
"But… ," Liu Yan spoke up, "Technically, he should be able to cultivate, right?"
"Hmmmm, well it did measure something. I didn't know something so insignificant could be measured but measured it was. You can sow seed in poisonous earth, but what then will grow there."
"I demand a remeasuring! How can I be sure your testing equipment is calibrated correctly? What certifications does it have? Is it even approved for use on otherworlders like myself? Hmmm? Explain it to me!" Dave was waving his hands around in exasperation as he made his case.
"Fine you dimwit, place your hand on the orb once more."
Dave slammed his palm down with great confidence.
"Hey! Be careful with that. It would be extremely expensive to replace," Rupee reprimanded him.
"S-sorry…" Dave apologized meekly. He deeply understood what it felt like to have expensive lab equipment mistreated.
The orb turned pitch black again, maybe even blacker than last time.
"Boy, I'm sorry to say, your aptitude is complete and utter dogshit."
"Urgh. If my aptitude is that bad does it mean trying to cultivate is a complete waste of time? Should I resign myself to my fate and become a farmer out in the rice fields," Dave frowned, "no… nothing like this has ever happened before, is that right? This is an unprecedented measurement."
"Hmmhmm, that's right."
"So if it has never happened before, how can you know it's bad? You assume so because it's black, and the general trend of the gradient of the ranks that extends downwards in whiteness from rank A to E would mean that's the worst result possible. I would say that's racist but minerals aren't people, anyway, an unprecedented event can't be classified without further experimentation."
"..." Both Rupee and Liu Yan were speechless, not for being impressed, they simply didn't follow what Dave had said at all.