Liu Yan counted some spirit stones in her palm before handing them to the vendor. She had bought a pair of skewers with mystery meat and handed one to Dave who practically inhaled it with no regard for his own dignity. He wiped the grease off his face with the back of his palm and immediately snatched the second skewer out of Liu Yan's hands.
"Hey! I didn't say you could have both!"
Across them Fang Xiu Hua watched in silence as he ate like a starving animal. She cracked a slight smirk at Liu Yan being on the receiving end of Dave's retardation for once.
"Ough…" Dave patted his belly. "I didn't realize how hungry I was. When my teeth hit the meat my caveman instincts kicked in, I couldn't stop myself." He cupped his hands and bowed. "Forgive me Liu Yan, your junior brother has acted with impudence."
Fang Xiu Hua snorted coldly. "You have no manners Dave, it would be shameful if we brought you back to our sect in this state."
You're shameful! Is what Dave wanted to say, but he held his tongue.
"She's right Dave. The way you bow is quite offensive," Liu Yan chimed in.
"It is? What's wrong with it?" Dave cupped his hands and bowed again.
[System notice]
[Engaging in antisocial behavior will likely result in bad outcomes.]
"My system is starting to sound like my dad."
Liu Yan: "Oh my, are you still hallucinating from hunger? Should I buy you another skewer?"
The kebab vendor overheard her and leaned in, handing another skewer to Dave who didn't waste a second and began gnawing on it like a newly risen ghoul.
The vendor rubbed his hands greedily. "Hehehe, that's another three spirit stones young lady."
"Awre you ushing my shtarvation to tawke adwantage owf this young lady?" Dave questioned him with a mouth full of meat.
"Hehehe, she offered to buy you another one, kid, what are you complaining about?"
Liu Yan handed over the spirit stones. "Don't worry about it Dave."
Dave chewed and blushed and chewed some more. He mistook her kind acts for kindness. He had not realized just how deranged they believed him to be, like a circus bear being fed before the act in order to discourage it from attacking the audience. After his gluttonous carnage came to an end Dave felt the brain fog dissipating and his IQ points slowly rising back up to that of a scientist.
"Man, as a red blooded American I had no idea starvation could have such a profound effect on the mind. Maybe I should have cut those African kids some slack. Regardless, scientific advancement waits for no man, or child. I feel like I should do some calculations to check if my mental faculties are still in good shape." Dave analyzed his surroundings, looking for a problem to apply himself to.
Meanwhile, back on earth someone had broken into Dave's basement lab. A hooded figure paced through the room, then he stopped, standing ominously in front of the soot caked workbench where Dave had blown himself into another realm. How much time had passed on earth, or if the passage of time was equal between earth and where Dave had ended up, was still unknown. The hooded figure ran one of his sinewy finger through the soot, brought it to his nose, and smelled it. As he did, his eyes settled on something that glimmered in a dark corner. It was a purple gem, most likely a product of Dave's science experiment gone wrong. The hooded figure smirked as he slipped the gem into his pocket, and vanished through a broken window.
Back in the cultivation world Dave had made some estimations about his companions' respective weights and chest sizes.
"Hmmm… Yes… I see…" he counted using his fingers. "Assuming the gravitational force is equal to earth… Fang Xiu Hua! Your breasts should have a combined weight of roughly 734 grams! Am I wrong?" Dave exclaimed proudly.
"How would I know? Who goes around weighing their breasts?"
"I guess you're right. That would be kinda strange. We'll just have to verify it later then."
The kebab vendor and a neighboring vegetable salesman both nodded in agreement.
"Like hell we will!" she snapped.
Cogs were still turning in Dave's head. He wasn't done just yet. He stuck his hand into the pouch at Liu Yan's hip, she let out a yelp as he nabbed a spirit stone and held it out at an arms length.
"What are you doing?" Liu Yan asked.
"Calibrating." Dave dropped the stone. He squinted as it hit the ground, then he picked it up and dropped it again. "I think it's falling slightly too slow, but I can't really tell. If the gravity here is different, that would mean my earlier calculation was off."
"It's falling normally," said Fang Xiu Hua.
"What's normal here and what's normal in reality, err, I mean on earth, is not necessarily the same. If I don't know the constant values of this world, then I can't make accurate predictions."
"Yup, that's right." The vegetable seller butted in. He plucked a leek from his cart and dropped it on the ground, imitating Dave's experiment. The leek landed with a thud, knocking some dust up in the air. "Fuck! I can't sell it now."
After an awkward silence Dave cleared his throat and returned the spirit stone to Liu Yan. She grabbed him gently by the elbow and led him away from the market stalls. Dave felt the warmth of her hand through his sleeve and blushed.
"Wh-what I was doing was science. That vegetable guy was just being retarded… Where are we going anyway?"
"Flatcloud mountain." Liu Yan pointed towards the towering mountain at the end of the village. "The Golden Crab sect's headquarters are there, we just have a small errand with them, it won't take long."
[System notification: New quest]
[Successfully perform a science experiment: 0/1]
[Reward: ???]
[Time limit: none]
"Fricking sweet. Do you think they have a stopwatch I can borrow? Or maybe some vinegar and baking soda?"
They walked down a dirt road, circling the base of the mountain bordered by rice terraces where peasants with straw hats were toiling in the sun, towards a temple with a statue of a crab situated on the roof all the while Liu Yan tried to subtly defuse Dave's science schemes.