"Room service?" Jiraiya yelled, his face turning red. "Those were S-Rank missing-nin! That was Itachi Uchiha and the Monster of the Mist!"
"And I handled them. You're welcome," I yawned, turning back toward my suite. "Now, if you don't mind, I have three very exhausted women waiting for—"
"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"
A green blur exploded through the hole in the wall that Itachi had created. A foot clad in an orange leg-warmer connected directly with the side of Jiraiya's face.
SMASH.
Jiraiya was launched down the hallway, crashing into the far wall and sliding down in a dizzy, groaning heap.
Might Guy landed in a perfect superhero pose, striking a gleaming thumbs-up, his teeth sparkling with an impossible ping! of light. He looked around the ruined hallway, his eyes landing on me, then down on the unconscious Sasuke, and finally on the groaning Sannin he had just kicked in the jaw.
"Ah!" Guy gasped, clutching his head in exaggerated horror. "Jiraiya-sama! I am so sorry! I was using my reflection in my forehead protector to look out for the Sharingan, and I mistook you for the enemy!"
"You... idiot..." Jiraiya wheezed from the floor.
I just shook my head. "Never a dull moment."
Guy quickly scooped up Sasuke, his expression instantly shifting from comical to deadly serious as he assessed the boy's comatose state. "Tsukuyomi. Only the best medical ninjutsu in the world can heal this kind of psychological damage. I will take him back to Konoha immediately. Jiraiya-sama, finding Tsunade-sama is more critical than ever!"
With a burst of speed, Guy leaped out of the shattered window, carrying Sasuke on his back, vanishing into the morning light.
Naruto finally burst out of the room, rubbing his sleepy eyes. "Hey! What's with all the noise?! Did I miss something?"
"Just your edgy rival getting put in time-out by his older brother," I patted Naruto's spiky blonde head. "Grab your backpack, whiskers. We're checking out."
*****
[Tanzaku Quarters - Two Days Later]
Tanzaku Quarters was a gambler's paradise. It was loud, flashy, and smelled of cheap sake and desperation.
Jiraiya was standing on the street corner, holding a crude drawing of Tsunade and interrogating a fruit vendor. Naruto was practicing with his water balloon, occasionally spraying himself in the face.
"Have you seen a woman with blonde hair? About this tall? Big... assets?" Jiraiya asked, gesturing wildly with his hands.
"You're embarrassing yourself, old man," I sighed, walking past him. "This is a town built on money. You don't ask the peasants; you ask the people holding the purse strings."
I walked directly across the street and pushed through the swinging doors of the largest, most extravagant casino in town. The noise of slot machines and yelling gamblers washed over me.
I didn't look around. I walked straight up to the high-stakes exchange counter. The massive, scarred bouncer standing guard sneered at me.
"Beat it, kid. No minors allowed on the floor."
I didn't say a word. I reached into my coat and pulled out a stack of pristine, high-denomination Ryo notes thicker than a brick. I dropped it onto the counter. The heavy thud of the cash immediately silenced the bouncer.
"I'm looking for the 'Legendary Sucker'," I told the exchange manager, my voice cold and authoritative. "Blonde. Big chest. Terrible luck. Tell me exactly which table she's at, and you keep the stack."
The manager swallowed hard, his eyes glued to the money. "Back room. VIP slot machines. She's been there for four hours and owes us a small fortune."
"Keep the change," I smirked, turning on my heel.
"Kenji! Wait up!" Naruto yelled, running into the casino with Jiraiya hot on his heels.
I led them past the velvet ropes, completely ignoring the security guards (who were too busy staring at the money I'd just left on the counter to care).
We pushed through a set of heavy mahogany doors into the VIP room.
It was quiet in here. At the very back of the room, sitting in front of a flashing slot machine, was a woman.
She wore a loose, grey kimono jacket over a mesh shirt. Her blonde hair was tied in two loose pigtails. A diamond-shaped purple seal rested on her forehead. And despite being in her fifties, the Uzumaki-adjacent vitality and her personal jutsu made her look like she was in her breathtaking mid-twenties.
And, of course, the legendary 106-centimeter assets were resting heavily against the control panel of the slot machine.
Sitting next to her, looking incredibly stressed and holding a small pig wearing a pearl necklace, was her assistant, Shizune.
[Target: Tsunade Senju]
[Status: The Legendary Sucker / Depressed / Heavily in Debt.]
[Measurements: 106cm (Confirmed). God-Tier.]
Absolute perfection, I thought, my lips curving into a predatory smile.
"Damn it!" Tsunade slammed her fist down on the machine as it flashed LOSER. "Another ten thousand! Shizune, give me the rest of the stash!"
"Tsunade-sama, we don't have any more!" Shizune cried, clutching the pig. "We owe the casino fifty thousand Ryo! If we don't pay by tonight, they're going to break my legs!"
"They can try," Tsunade grumbled, taking a swig from a massive jug of sake.
"Tsunade," Jiraiya spoke up, stepping into the room.
Tsunade stiffened. She slowly turned her chair around, her amber eyes narrowing as she locked onto her former teammate.
"Jiraiya," she slurred slightly, wiping her mouth. "What the hell are you doing here? Did you finally run out of peep holes in Konoha?"
"I'm here on official business," Jiraiya said, his tone turning unusually serious. "The village needs you."
Tsunade scoffed, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms under her chest, lifting her cleavage even higher. "Official business? I left that life behind decades ago. I'm a civilian now. A very unlucky civilian."
"It's about Sensei," Jiraiya said quietly. "Orochimaru attacked the village during the Chunin Exams. The Third Hokage is dead."
The room went dead silent.
Tsunade's amber eyes widened a fraction of an inch. Her hand twitched toward her sake jug, but she stopped. For a split second, I saw it through my [Observation Haki]—a massive, crushing wave of grief and trauma flaring up inside her chest, quickly buried under a wall of cynical indifference.
"The old man is dead?" Tsunade finally said, her voice hollow. She looked down at the floor, a bitter smile crossing her lips. "I told him he was too soft on Orochimaru. Look where it got him."
"The council wants you," Jiraiya pressed. "They want you to return to the village. To take the hat. We need the Fifth Hokage."
Tsunade let out a loud, mocking laugh. It sounded harsh and brittle.
"The Fifth Hokage? Me? You must be joking!" She stood up, kicking her chair away. "That village is a cursed graveyard! My grandfather founded it, my granduncle built it, and all it did was take everything I ever loved! Anyone who wants to be Hokage is an absolute fool!"
"HEY!"
Naruto stepped forward, his fists clenched, his blue eyes blazing with fury. "Don't you talk about the Hokage like that! The Third Hokage was a hero! And I'm gonna be the Hokage someday, believe it!"
Tsunade looked down at the short, loud blonde kid. She saw the goggles, the orange jumpsuit, the sheer, idiotic determination. She saw her dead little brother, Nawaki. And it pissed her off.
"You?" Tsunade sneered, stepping right up to Naruto and poking him hard in the forehead. "A loudmouthed brat like you? You wouldn't last a day. The Hokage title is a death sentence for fools who like to play hero."
Naruto bared his teeth. "I'll make you eat those words, old hag! Let's fight right now!"
Tsunade cracked her knuckles, a dark aura of killing intent leaking from her. "I'm going to flick you into the sun, brat."
Author's Note:
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