"Heavy."
Heavy, like dragging yourself out of bed with blurry vision and weak tugs, as an attempt to pull the blanket away.
I had a loving family. At least from what I can remember.
Trying to paint their image in my head is difficult, blurred heads but sharply distinct proportions. I can roughly map each member from my mum to my dad to my brother and lastly, to old myself.
"Huuh."
"I wasn't really the best person, was I?"
I was grateful for my food and the shelter my parents provided only once when I turned 18.
"God, I hate growing up."
Hey, though I knew what daily expenses and rent was, it didn't mean I had to pay it. They were rather focused on me finishing university, which is fair for the most part.
I didn't really have an epiphany. The school life epiphany life experience, I see idealised on TV shows and movies.
For the most part I think most others didn't. Well, by "most others" I'm talking about roughly the 4 other friends I had.
I watched shows here and there ranging from comedy shows to black clover to vanoss gaming. Which I do remind myself daily are all peak shows.
I wore a smug face internally.
I got my brother into Black Clover fairly recently. From what I can remember the story was up to the spade kingdom arc and he's been enjoying it ever since.
I know praise me, putting him on peak. I can almost feel a non-existent tear drop fall from my eyes.
I like to see myself as a good role model for him. Someone my parents can devote their trust on and for him to look-up to.
However, I'm not sure if I lived up to that expectation.
I wasn't the nicest person growing up. I would often take the bottled-up feelings I had from school and subconsciously take it out on him from time to time.
"Yeah, I know I am an A-hole."
From what seemed to be brotherly fighting and love to hatred and resentment.
I often stole stuff from him or said words I knew I didn't mean. I wouldn't go as far as hitting but some words can hurt as hard as punches.
At some point I wasn't even sure why I was doing it. Maybe it was an in-grown habit that I built throughout the years. Throughout this I tried to excuse it as a joke.
And sure he laughed and said he understood.
But there was something that had been built. Some kind of invisible wall that guards his emotions.
It was a form of protection. An emotional detachment from warmth, he would superficially display his happiness from gifts on his birthday or when he got showered with praise.
I hated it. It's cruel, though it was my doing.
One day I reached out. An outstretched hand to ruffle his hair for the genuine warmth I held for him.
He flinched, I looked over he was terrified. It was genuine, a real emotion. I remember the visible tremble. So I swatted my hand to the side as if trying to shoot a fly away.
"Pathetic, yeah I know."
But I do regret it. I wished I spent more effort. I wish I threw away my stupid pride. And I wish with every ounce, every cell ever thought that runs across my body that I could have done better.
I regretted it.
No matter how much you think, some things cannot be undone.
It was a suffocating night. 2am. His room was adjacent to mine.
The light was off and a calm breeze filled the room, it was tranquil. Too peaceful. I grabbed the handle to the closed door, it felt nauseating.
I wasn't sure why but I had the urge to vomit, my head hurt.
The door creaked open as I twisted the knob, none of our rooms had locks. My eyes stood stuck to the floor, to the old wooden oak floors-
"Arghh dammit!"
I clenched what it feels like to be my head as an unimaginable pain coursed through my body.
"ewgejagdon't rerwyyou-"
Muffled sounds from the middle of nowhere repeatedly pounded my eardrums, but gradually faded quieted down.
For some reason, it felt cloudly, what were once a million thoughts surrounding became non-existent.
"Whatever, I wasn't the type to think anyway." I spoke aloud.
Contrary, I really did try my hardest to grasp at the scattering pieces of thoughts flying around, however to no avail.
Shaking my head, I began to stretch my body.
Stretching my body feels weird. Every limb feels unnaturally long. With each new limb I discovered new muscles and ligaments. It might take a while for me to adjust, I think.
"Wait what- why am I?"
*RUMBLE*
Hundreds of footsteps could be heard. Trampling, stumbling, running.
It was deafening.
I blinked.
"What the hell?"
Looking in the distance, disjointed creatures with weird proportions stood out. Some had jagged black horns, others were salient due to their canine jagged teeth and thick bodies.
But thankfully, none of them noticed me.
At least not yet…
The scenery was um…in the easiest form to explain, it was literal hell.
A desolate wasteland and an abyssal black sky. The only source of comfort was the cacophony of sound from all the weird creatures.
Yeah, the bar is pretty deep down.
"jHCKTTI'LL JYDKiLL FRNYOU"
Gibberish, it sounds like a static radio blabbering out whatever nonsense from some country side radio station.
I can somewhat make the thing is trying to say.
"..I'll kill you?"
I turned behind me and continued to see the empty wasteland, but for some odd reason I could feel myself drawn closer to whatever stood in the emptiness ahead.
"Mhm.."
To test my theory I start moving, well floating across the wasteland to be precise, or whatever you call a near corpse travelling at what appears to be a fast pace in this hell.
My feet drifted in the air and I heard small flaps from behind.
My mind was a haze, in the constant form of waking up from a deep sleep.
"Huh.."
Though I didn't find anything, the mixture of sounds became clearer. Focusing my eyes, a tiny myriad of clustered particles could be seen right in front of me.
It flickered.
It was a star, periodically flashing a spectrum of colours.
"Huh?"
Circling around the star, the substance showed no significant reaction.
However leaning closer, it would show static images of people that seem to be fighting..?
Instinctually, I felt a strange bond.
"Fighting? Why can't people just solve things peacefully? It's not interesting or whatever.."
Betraying my thoughts, I'd subconsciously lean closer towards the star. For some reason, I felt a strong sense of kinship.
A connection that mostly would bring feelings of comfort, but rather it lacked it, instead it carried feelings of regret and despondency.
"Well I guess I am…just a tiny bit."
For some unknown reason, my shoulders weighed as I weakly reached out to touch the flickering star, like a part of my miniscule powers weakened.
It felt like the star slowly gravitated towards me.
It shined and grew. It rapidly shone, increasing its dazzling brightness moments before touch.
I could feel the eyes of a thousand creatures watching me.
Footsteps and trudges grew louder from far behind. Howling like wolves and a thirst for hunger.
But I paid no attention to them, rather I just didn't have the mentality to care.
For some reason, my previous thoughts all scattered and it was difficult to think clearly.
As something was calling out to me.
"I wonder-"