Before you start:
Reading works best with music The right music makes the difference between reading a story and living one. Trust me on this.
I'd recommend (triage at dawn x path to borealis) it worked out the best for me while writing this chapter hope you enjoy it ♥️
Laying on my back in the courtyard on the soft grass.
I stared at the ceiling of the world with my arms at my sides and thought about how bored I was.
The woman was doing something with her plants a few feet away. Humming. Completely at peace with existence.
I had been awake for a few hours and had already exhausted every available activity in this courtyard which were: laying down, sitting up, laying back down, watching a beetle, losing the beetle.
*(I want my phone.)*
Not even for anything specific. Just to hold. Just to have something to look at that wasn't sky.
*(I want music.)*
*(I want to scroll for twenty minutes and feel bad about it.)*
*(I want literally anything.)*
*(A cigarette. Or a bong. Or something. Anything. I would kill for a cigarette right now.)*
*(I killed for a cigarette last time. Look where that got me.)*
Imagining the taste of smoke in my lungs. The familiar burn. The buzz. The thing that made the heavy feeling a little lighter for a few minutes. It makes you crave it like crazy.
*(I need something. Music. A conversation with someone who speaks my language. A phone. A screen. Anything that makes the quiet stop.)*
I rubbed my face with both hands and scratched my head. I stared back at the sky.
Day four. Or three. The days had started bleeding together somewhere around the second morning when I woke up and the situation was still exactly the same as the first morning and showed no signs of changing. Wake up. Eat whatever she fed me. Lay around. Uncontrollably shitting myself in a diaper. Watch her work. Sleep. Repeat.
*(Ugh don't even get me started — it's so unpleasant and embarrassing to get changed by a woman who's probably younger than me.)*
This was my life now apparently.
I looked at the woman.
She was crouching over something green, focused, completely unbothered, talking quietly to whatever she was planting.
*(...poor woman.)*
She had absolutely no idea who had become her child.
*(May the sky have mercy on you.)*
I looked back at the sky as this feeling formed in my chest.
That guilt man it makes you wish you were just a numb loser instead of being a conscious one..... it had been coming without warning, in the middle of other thoughts, showing up uninvited and landing down on me.
*(I made a wish.)*
I remembered that now. Not clearly, but enough.
*(I wished to start over.)*
*(...and then I burned the house down.)*
My parents' house. The one they'd spent years paying off. The one my mother kept obsessively clean and my father fixed every small broken thing in the moment it broke because he couldn't afford not to. That beautiful house.
*(I probably burned it completely down
They were probably — they were definitely —)*
I pressed both hands over my face. Attempted to mask my tears and sobs.
*(I'm such a piece of SHIT.)*
All those years. All that money. And what did they get? A depressed son who couldn't even pass one exam. They kept pouring their money into me. Time. Hope. Love. And I just swallowed it all and stayed empty. They worked so hard for me and I couldn't even get out of bed. Couldn't even answer their calls. Couldn't even be a proper person.
I spread my fingers and looked at the sky through them.
I wiped my tears away in an instant.
*(Okay,)* I thought. *(Okay. Let's be rational about this.)*
*(Assuming this isn't a dream — which it clearly is, but assuming — then this is another world. Which means those Japanese writers were onto something. Which also means somewhere out there there are probably elves and demi-humans and various races and—)*
I sat up slightly on my elbows.
*(—WOMEN.)*
*(From various races.)*
*(With various...)*
I thought for a moment.
*(No, you stupid bum. Focus. That is not the right time.)*
A pause.
*(...but it is a point.)*
I laid back down And The guilt hit me again and harder this time.
*(I just cried over my parents. Over the house I burned. Over the life I wasted. And the moment I stopped crying, the first thing I thought about was women?)*
I pressed my palms into my eyes again.
*(What kind of motherfucking bastard am I?)*
The woman said something from across the yard, questioning.
I ignored her.
*(I was just crying moments ago. And then my brain went straight to fantasy. Straight to—)*
I stopped myself.
*(...to be fair, that is what I do. That is what I have always done. Escape. Run. Distract myself with stupid thoughts so I don't have to feel the heavy thing.)*
*(But still.)*
*(STILL.)*
*(What kind of person does that?)*
*(What kind of person cries over their dead parents and then immediately thinks about elf and cat women?)*
I pulled my hands away from my face.
*(...yes. Of course. A FUCKING loser.)*
*(Useless. Selfish piece of shit who can't even think right for once, for his own fucking good.)*
Anyways.
That man hadn't been around for a few days. He'd left in the morning with that enormous thing making those sounds outside and hadn't come back at the same time since.
*(Where does he even go.)*
As I was deep in my thoughts, the woman suddenly poked me and I tilted my head to look.
*(Hm?)*
She was holding a flower. Small. White. She held it out toward me.
*(...okay.)*
She moved it closer. With a sparkle in her eyes, hopeful that I was going to take it.
I reached out, my fingers wrapped around the stem, and held it up and looked at it. My eyes darted between her face and the flower.
She was looking at me, smiling, expecting something.
A small smile tugged at my face. I didn't want to disappoint that pretty face of hers so I held up my other hand to her and gave her a thumbs up.
She blinked. Her eyebrows went up. Her mouth opened slightly in surprise like she had just seen something impressive and said something fast and questioning. I understood the tone: *"Did you just...?!"*
*(Heh.)*
*(Did I just make her suspicious? Because I haven't been acting like a baby at all these past few days ? Is she going to find that she pampers a grown ass man and changes his diaper?)*
She stared at me for a long moment. And she laughed a small, surprised laugh
Just startled
Like she couldn't believe what she had seen She looked so happy holding that flower I couldn't just ignore her.
*(.....you look so kind.)*
*(I don't know what to do with that. I don't know how to accept kindness without feeling like shit..... If you knew what kind of person I am, you would not look at me like this.)*
Kindness
I can't
....I cannot afford this.
I don't deserve anything at all.
But I don't have the heart to reject it from her either.
Deep in my thoughts, I was caught off guard when she cupped my face, leaned down, and pressed her lips against my cheek.
*Mmmmmwah.*
Not a quick peck — it was a lingering kiss. Soft. Wet. Which made me go completely still.
*(...okay.)*
*(That just happened.)*
She'd done this before many times and I had to resist having feelings about it.
She pulled back slightly, her face close to mine, and said something soft. Her breath was warm on my skin. Another kiss. My other cheek. Slower this time. Making my cheek tingly.
And Like usual I felt something. Something lower. Something I didn't want to name.
*(Argggggggf)*
*(No no no.)*(Do not.)*
*(Do NOT, you twisted fuck.)*
I shifted in her arms very uncomfortably. My face was burning now. Not from embarrassment. From something I don't want to name.
With a final kiss to my forehead,
she pulled me tight against her ,my back against her chest and humming she started walking back inside.
I forced the thought away.
Stop it please man stop it.
Focus on literally anything else.
I looked out over her shoulder at the courtyard. The gate. Beyond it and the world I hadn't seen yet.
Yeah.... Yeah....Focus on something else. What else is there.
Everything else. Everything.
I'd been in this world for three days or four, or however long and I knew absolutely nothing. Not the language. Not the names of a single person. Not what that massive thing was outside making those sounds. Not what country this was, what continent, what hemisphere. Not the year. Not the rules. Not the physics. Not the apparently monsters casually existing outside the walls.
I have time, I thought. I have literally all the time in the world. I'm a baby. Nobody expects me to do anything except exist and shit myself and grow.
And maybe if I'm being honest with myself maybe this whole thing is God's fault anyway.
If nothing good has ever happened to me in my entire life, if every single decision I made led to something worse, if the universe has genuinely spent 23 years scripting my existence to be miserable... then at least I don't have to blame myself for any of it, right?
That's not weakness. That's just pattern recognition.
And if reincarnation is real IF I'm actually here in a fantasy world that probably has creatures like elves and demi humans
then God must be real too
Which means He did this on purpose
Which means this is just another chapter in the longest running joke of my existence.
So fine.
Let Him keep writing At least this time I can read the script.
The woman carried me inside and set me down on the bed and lay down beside me.
I could learn the language. I could learn to read whatever alphabet they use here. I could—
I looked at her face She was looking so peaceful already half-asleep, one arm across my chest, completely at peace.
*(What's your name)*
I thought at her. What are your names. What do I call you. What do you call me.
She made a soft sound and pulled me closer to herself.
Oof.
ALRIGHT
Alright.....Just relax.
*(Tomorrow
Tomorrow I figure it out.
Tomorrow I start actually paying attention instead of just—
Of just talking shit about myself.
Tomorrow I—)*
"Huuuuaaahhh..."
*(Such big thought's for a small guy huh....)*
the exhaustion was already pulling at me. The warmth. The steady breathing. The feeling of being held like something that mattered which was a strange feeling to me.
*(Tomorrow,)* I thought as my eyes got heavy.
*(Tomorrow I become a student of this world instead of just a passenger in it.
Tomorrow I learn what the hell is actually happening.
Tomorrow I find out who I am in this place.
Tomorrow—)*
"wahhhhhh~"
---------------------------
Well Tomorrow came.
The woman carried me outside to the path in front of the gate. She stood there like she was waiting for something, one arm supporting me against her hip, the other shading her eyes as she looked down the road.
I looked out at the world beyond the gate for the first time.
Fields. A road. Few houses from a distance, and forest and The sky was the same shade of blue it had been every day.
Peaceful.
*(HUH?!)*
In a sudden moment the ground began to shake All at once and heavy that meant something enormous was moving.
I turned my head toward the sound.
A shape appeared on the road in the distance. Red. Massive. Moving toward us with the ground shaking under each step and I couldn't process what I was looking at fast enough so instead I just:
"Ababa wwauaua waba! Eeehhh!"
I yanked at her clothes with my hands Hard. Yelling in a high pitched panicked, completely incoherent.
*(SOMETHING IS COMING.)*
*(BIG MONSTER We need to MOVE. We need to— WHAT? WHY IS SHE SO CALM, ARE YOU INSANE HAVE YOU LOST YOR BRAIN?! MOVE.)*
She didn't move at all And just stood there Completely unbothered AND said something to me Almost amused.
"Xxxx xxxx xx?"
Like she was asking why I was being weird.
The red thing got closer and I could make out the shape now.
*(OH.....)*
It was the man from before. The one with the goatee and the aggressive beard kisses.
Except he wasn't a man on a horse.
He was on the red thing.
Riding on top of that enormous crimson-scaled reptile with yellow eyes and three claws on each foot and a tail that could probably level a house.
He saw us and and grinned, wide and pleased, like finding exactly what he was looking for.
She waved at him and now that I was somewhat assured....I stopped panicking enough to realize I was possibly the only person her who found this alarming.
He brought the creature to a stop in front of us and dismounted, like this was normal, like riding a prehistoric murder-lizard was a casual activity. He kissed the woman. Then he kissed me on the forehead.
*(Ugh his spikey Beard.....)*
I sat very still in her arms trying to process the fact that I had nearly had a heart attack about this.
The 3 of us went inside the house and I was looking at that strange reptile creature it looks like fucking dinosaur on 4 long limb,do dinos still exist in the world?! It just gets more terrifying and interesting at the same time
I was put on the floor. While the 2 were busy doing their stuff.
Deep in y thoughts about that creature I snapped out
*(Did I forget about something?)
*(Ah right the names.)*
names and the language and what the hell IS that thing and how many other massive animals am I going to discover exist.
I sat up and looked around the room properly.
Stone walls. Wooden beams. A window showing the courtyard. A shelf with things on it I couldn't identify. A mirror on one wall.
I crossed the room on all fours the fastest way to move in this body and looked at myself
Still a baby with those green eyes that looked vaguely European on me.
But the person looking back at me was different.
More awake.
Sharper.
Ready.
*(Alright then Let's figure this out.)*
She looked up when I appeared and said something that sounded like a question with a smile behind it.
I pointed at her.
"Mama."
She smiled and nodded.
I pointed at the man.
"Papa."
He grinned like I'd handed him a trophy.
I pointed at myself and made a questioning sound.
"Ah?"
They both looked at me. The woman said something to the man and He shrugged.
*(They didn't understand me did they?)*
I did it again.
Pointed at her. "Mama."
Pointed at him. "Papa."
Pointed at myself, questioning. "Heh?"
The woman tilted her head.
*(Ufffffffff why don't you just get it?it can't be more obvious!)*
I pointed at myself again. Harder. More insistent "Ahhhhh?"
The man said something to her probably something like what's he doing and she answered, looking thoughtful.
My face had a fell into a hard disappointed Boredom expression.
*(Hahhhhhhhhh)*
I pointed at myself one more time and made the questioning sound again, almost frustrated now.
*( Come on You two have names What's mine?!)*
The woman's eyes went wide.
She looked at the man.
Then she looked back at me and slowly smiled with a sparkle in her eyes hard to look away, She pointed at me. And said
"Xxxx,Hector"
Hector?
Ah So that's my name isn't it ?.
I pointed at myself and repeated it, testing the word in my own mouth.
"Heh... tor."
That made the woman cross the room and hug me tight , she said something fast and emotional to the man, who was now looking at me like I'd performed an actual miracle by figuring out my own name through sheer determination.
That's who I was now..... Hector
It's actually a nice foreign name if you think about it I like it even. Man things just got more interesting!
Hah
It'd take a great time till I learn more about this place.....
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