Why… why did she do it too…?
The cold in my chest spread into my already exhausted mind, muffling all sound, touch, and sight. Yet, even through all that, I could still see Mom's unchanging angelic smile.
Does she… not even care?
At that thought, my eyes widened, and I let out a hollow chuckle. The pieces that had always been there had finally begun to click into place.
…How did I not recognize this sooner?
I took a step back and looked up at Mom with a smile.
"Thank you for the praise, Mom. I'll try my best!"
Mom nodded happily. "Great! Then, I'll go back to preparing dinner. Good luck with your studies, Lily!"
She pushed herself up from the couch and gave me a gentle pat on the shoulder before returning to the kitchen.
Mom left my test on the couch. I didn't go to retrieve it. I simply turned to the stairs and headed for my room.
No… it isn't that she doesn't care.
My legs didn't carry any strength, but I continued climbing regardless.
It's just that…
My hand rested against the cool wooden railing as I pushed myself up—but I never felt the cold.
She's the same as everyone else.
I trudged on until I heard the soft click of a door. My eyes refocused, and I glanced around at my surroundings. I was in my room. I was safe.
And I was… alone.
I tightly clenched my teeth, my jaw straining under the pressure.
Why…?
I dug my nails into my knees, trying to use the pain to anchor me to reality. But I couldn't take my mind off the fury boiling inside me.
Why is everyone like this?!
My vision blurred as tears began to form in my eyes. They burned, forcing my eyes shut.
I should've been alone in that darkness, but in its depths, I heard the sound of faint, yet familiar voices.
Voices of my teachers—
"I used to teach your Brother. He was a really smart kid."
My friends—
"Ah! Hoshino and Little Hoshino! Good Morning!"
"Yo! If it isn't little Hoshino!"
"Ah! Pleasant seeing you here, Big Bro!"
My parents—
"That's your Brother's job, after all!"
…and myself.
"Just admit it, you know the truth better than anyone."
My heart stopped.
It was a voice almost identical to mine. Except... it was infinitely colder, hateful, spiteful, and—
…No!
I forcefully opened my eyes, dragging myself back to my room. I was balled up in a corner against the wall between my room and my Brother's. Sweat soaked through my uniform, my breath ragged.
One second. Two seconds. Three. Silence. My body relaxed for just a moment—
"What do you think you're doing?"
I tensed, my head snapping across the room as I frantically searched for the location of the voice.
Nothing was there.
Then—it spoke again, almost in a mocking tone.
"What do you think you're doing? You know who I am. I—"
I dug my nails into my scalp, pulling my hair in hopes it would go away.
No...noNoNO! This isn't true! This isn't—
"I am you."
I flinched at my own voice.
Then, I muttered in a shaky breath, "No… you're not."
There was a pause before it spoke again.
"I can prove it. After all–"
"JUST SHUT UP!"
I pushed myself away from the wall and stomped to my desk. I dumped all the textbooks and notebooks from my bag, pulled out a pencil, and began to study.
My eyes desperately darted through the pages scattered in front of me, reading any question I could find, my hand scratching against my notebook, leaving messy, distorted lines of lead grey.
"Just go away, just go away, just go away, just go away," I whispered again and again, trying to keep myself away from the truth.
Suddenly, my hand froze as I arrived at a certain question.
No… this can't be happening...
It was… a math question. One I didn't know how to do—or where to begin, even.
Everything went blank, and with it, the voice returned.
"See? Your Brother would've been able to solve this instantly."
My grip tightened around the pencil, and I pressed it hard onto the paper. I wrote down random numbers and formulas in shaky lines, hoping that I'd somehow find–
"You're not him. You won't find the answer like that."
My body went stiff before I managed to mutter:
"...No."
"Stop being stubborn."
Without willing it, my hand loosened, and the pencil fell from my grasp. The soft thud as it hit the desk echoed in my ears.
I stared at the fallen pencil, then at the mindless scribbles in front of me. I couldn't help but let out a hollow chuckle. There was no use running anymore.
I've known for a long time already. But still...
"I don't want to admit it…"
Tears silently fell, splattering against the paper and smudging the lead. I brought my hands to my face to wipe them away, but more kept coming.
"It's time to admit it, Lily."
I nodded with a soft sniffle.
"Yeah…"
"In this world–"
"There's no one I love—and hate more—than my Big Brother…"
I leaned back against my chair, staring blankly at the ceiling as tears streamed down my face.
"I hate you."
"I hate you..."
I drew a sharp breath.
"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you."
"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you."
I dug my nails into my chest—
"I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"
And my chair rattled in the silence.
"I HATE YOU!"
The self-admission eased the fury boiling in my chest. It was almost euphoric in a way—but it didn't ease the sense of nothingness.
"But…"
I leaned forward and rested my head against the edge of the desk.
"...I love you, too."
I brought my hands to my face, trying to hide my ugly, pitiful, disgusting self from the world.
"I just wanted… to love my Brother. So why… why do I have to hate him...?!"
My fingers felt numb, but even so, I dug them into my face.
"I don't… even have the right to hate him. After all he's done for me? After all the times I've relied on him? After all I've lied about?!"
A twisted laughter broke out between my sobs.
"I have no right to hate him… but I do."
Everything was hypocritical. Everything was contradictory. How could I stay as his adorable, stupid little sister if I hated him? How could I keep loving him? But what scared me the most was…
What if he leaves me again?
With that thought, everything spiralled.
What if I ruin us again?
I just got him back.
We were finally back to normal.
I said I'd do whatever it takes if it meant being able to maintain our relationship!
Will I even be able to continue doing that?
Will he… even still love me?
I don't know.
I don't know I don't know! I DON'T KNOW!
I pushed my head off the edge of the desk and stared at the books in front of me.
I don't know what to do… so I guess—I'll study.
I picked up the pencil and studied mindlessly. Time felt like it was physically passing, my body growing weaker by the second—but I never put the pencil down. I continued to study until my room was completely dark, the only light from the lamp on my desk.
Suddenly, I heard the doorknob twist, and the door opened. I turned my head to the side—and froze.
What… is he doing here?!
It shouldn't have been possible; he shouldn't have been standing in front of me.
I let out a shuddering breath.
He never entered my room, much less unannounced. That was something only I did.
But that wasn't the worst part. In his hands… was a familiar white sheet of paper.
Why… does he have that?!
He took a step closer while casually scratching the back of his head.
"I saw your test on the table when I got home, so I took a look at it."
No… don't say it.
Then—he gave me a proud smile, a look of genuine fondness finding its way to his face.
He spoke in his usual sarcastic, yet flat tone.
"I didn't think you had it in you, good job, Li–"
Before he even finished, something inside me snapped.
Is he... complimenting me?
"Keep the compliments coming!"
Him?
Of all people?
"It's an Older Brother's job to spoil his sister!"
Everything blurred.
Is this supposed to be a joke?
Is he making fun of me?
"I want him to praise me!"
Is he looking down on me?!
"I want to make him proud!"
DON'T MESS WITH ME! YOU SHITTY OLDER BROTHER!
I slammed my hand against the desk, pushing myself up and storming towards him.
His brows furrowed together slightly, a hint of concern crossing his face.
"What's wrong, Li–"
I slapped the test out of his hands, the pages scattering between us.
His eyes went wide.
A page fell across his face.
When it drifted away, a subtle frown tugged on his lips.
Another page fell, covering his face.
When it fell away, a crease formed between his brows.
The last page fell, covering his face.
When it dropped… his eyes shone with an all-enveloping black—the same way it did on that winter day.
My chest throbbed.
I… hurt him.
I dug my nails into my hands.
I hurt him again…
Is he mad?
Is he upset?
Does he… still love me?
Even so, a certain pressure built in my chest and climbed up my throat. I tried to swallow it down, but it lodged there.
Don't do it, Lily!
Please!
I can't lose him again–
But it was no use.
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM! I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!"