Although it was absolutely painful to say, it was the honest truth. My rage too was sincere. It was a common thing for all children to want to desire parental love and attention as they grew up. However, for me, it was as if the world I grew up in pointed a finger at me and said I didn't deserve any of it.
"Why are you all so cruel?! Am I a living punching bag to you all?!" I spoke as a joke, but it still felt real. I didn't mind being hit... But sometimes it climbed to a point that I might as well rather die then live this luxurious life. Regardless, I laughed at my own situation. To other people, I may look insane right that moment. Only one person who truly knew me would understand... I have lived–
"And even if someone gave me that parental support a child needs while moving forward in life... They were snatched away from me...
"Ms. Avry left a month after she took me to this world. Brittany died while trying to protect me. And to none of them was I ever able to share my gratitude to.
"But when I wanted to say it... They all told me 'shame on you for dying so early'... Even they don't seem to care just how lonely I feel and how paranoid I get during these times...
"It feels like experiencing a close family member's death everytime I walk out the doors of my room." I muttered continuously with no ends. All of those words coming out with sincerety and hitting the back of my throat as it did.
"Even in a room filled with many people... I felt as if I was never a matter for anyone to even ask 'are you alright?'.
"It's either they all use me for something or they are being used by me for my own good, whereas I know that once they knew they would be heartbroken and betrayed. But no one ever cared to ask if I ever felt guilty. They all think one-sidedly and look away before I can say my reasoning.
"But then also... My reasons would be that I was just trying to survive and save the people around me. However, no one would understand any of what I truly mean."
I took a pause and shut my mouth. I think I had slowly become comfortable with this woman and decided to speak as if she was someone who would finally listen to me... I do remember when she beat me up out of a sudden and sent me to coma the next day to when I had fought with Lewis.
I brushed the hair off my forehead and wiped it with the back of my hand, then dropping them back at my side. The back of my throat was causing me pain. And this often happened when I was trying to surpress my emotions. So it was understandable. I was also currently trying to keep the fact hidden that I wanted to freely cry out my thoughts.
Moreover, I was accustomed to not cry in front of parents. Otherwise they would beat me up for being 'delusional' and 'insane'. At other times, they would comfort me by harshly stating the fact that there were people who were suffering more then me or there were people who wished to be in my place instead. And I won't lie when I say that actually helped me to gain determination and step up a bit more.
Like that, before I knew it, my parents made me a strong mentality. It was one that was hard to break. But little did I know that soon it crumbled away to reveal a more vulnerable side of me that I had once locked up at one corner of my mind.
"Ugh! Why I am even telling you all of these. Its not like you would be interested or would actually listen. It is completely useless talking about such a small matter of a thing, yet, here I am speaking fluently about it."
Just as I turned to walk away, I decided to leave her with a single piece of information.
"Anyways. Good luck fighting off the Mides family. They are the ones who hired proxies around this castle–who had injected you with Dimethylmercury."
As I lifted my steps to jump through the window, I felt a drag at my wrist that forced me to look to the side. It was her, who was sprawled on her knees and pulling my hand just to press the back of it to her forehead. I flinched at the sight. She was clearly still in her right mind, however, I couldn't just describe what kind of a situation I was currently in.
"Aefia... Don't go."
"..."
I didn't answer anything. I was just too disgusted by the sight to say even a single word.
"I don't want to be as alone as I was up until you came back. Just stay for five more minutes. I won't ask you of anything else. If I die, your presence is the only thing I want to feel before I die."
"..."
"Please say you won't leave right this instant."
I felt bad, at least my humanity didn't die. So I stayed.
"If there is just anything that you wanted to tell me, then please do. I won't be able to stay here for long."
The woman looked up at me from the floor while standing on her weak knees. I had no other choice then to help her back on the bed. Then I immediately stepped back.
"Aefia, I am truly sorry for all those days that I had mistreated you. I honestly didn't know you had been taking toxin to kill yourself for a very long time. But when did you start–"
"Since the time I had signed a contract with you. And when you adopted me into this family. I have no doubt that Lewis had told you about it. Am I right?"
She looked upset as her head drooped and she stared at the ground. "Yes. But I didn't want to speak about that in specific. If you really resented me... Then I am sorry. However... I am hurt that you are rough with yourself about it."
"I am not thinking about doing it anymore if that is what you are asking." I scoffed at her.
"I have no doubt since you have already taken your life by jumping off the bridge... But that too isn't what I wanted to talk about."
"..."
"I wanted to ask... Whether you hated me so much as to not want to see my face before you took your life."
"Yes... I hated you that much."
There was no point in lying to her. Her eyes widened to reveal a sort of vulnerability and rejection, as she faced me again. Then, a smile dropped onto her face.
She reached for my hand again, and pulled me down on my knees. Then placed her own hands on my face. I didn't know whether there was sincerity in her actions, but even if I did know, I wanted to reject it. After all that she did to me for the time that I grew up in this palace, I didn't want my ego to stop.
But since it was a sick person's wish, I would rather suffer then carry a curse from their mouths for the rest of my life.
"About the contract, now that I am gone, do you still have it?" I asked while staying in that position. It caused her to shiver a bit, maybe because I still remember it and I still have a grudge on her against it. I would certainly not hide my shock if I found out that she burned it.
Despite my speculations, there was no signs of her usual despair on her face. Regardless that matter, she stood up, and walked towards the safe that she had kept it for quite some time–pulling out the stapled pieces of paper. That alone was enough to make my anger rise.
Following her previous action, her steps lifted towards where I was, and she took my wrist to lead me towards the fireplace.
Finally, she turned to face me again. Her hand came up to cup my face and her thumb relentlessly tracing shapes onto my face.
"Aefia, my dear... Although I have never gotten a chance to tell you this, but... I rather show it to you now that you are here."
She took the pieces of paper and threw it into the blazing fire. I watched as the paper dissolved into ashes and mixed with the pieces of wood that was burning.
My gaze then traveled back to her face, as she hugged me while burying her face onto my hair and speaking with a muffled voice.
"It was until the last days of your stay–a little too late–that I had always wanted to express my regrets to you. I was noticeably a negligent parent to you–you certainly didn't deserve to be treated that way by me. If I could reverse time, I would have taught myself a good lesson before the past me adopted you."
"..."
I stayed silent as her thumb came up to continue rubbing the swell on the underside of my left eye. What was I supposed to say? Because in a time like this, I just didn't want to do or bring up about anything related to my side of the story. The simple reasoning would have been because it would be better if I could hear her side first.
As the last pieces of the contract burned away, she lifted her face away from my head and looked at me.
"Look at you now Aefia... You have grown a bit taller and your have gotten prettier then the last time I had seen you. Not to mention, your eyes even look more fiercer and as if it would be a wrong thing to mess with you."
Don't try to flatter me woman! This is... Getting awkward.
I was having some rough arguments with myself whether I should just think about leaving or to stay a little longer.
"My sweet child... I have confessed about my reasons... Won't you want to return back to your mother's arms?"
There, was the catch of her sudden nice behaviours–acting so decieving in front of me. She was trying to pull me back into the palace because she had work for me to do. Those things don't work on me anymore... This maybe why I wanted to stay shut up and listen. Now even if she had burned the contract, there were two possible cases that could happen that I know what she plans on doing first.
One, is that she would end up creating a second copy of the contract which she would use to rule me out again. She must think of me as having a naive side of me who would listen and not learn my lesson. Her beautiful acts are always short-lived, so I know that this has the most possibility of happening.
There are many things that needs to be fixed now that I am gone. She obviously doesn't know that I am also planning on fixing it without being physically present for the solutions. This problem that she is probably thinking of using me to solve, is the conflict between the Smod family and the Mides family.
Secondly–like I had said before–she would try to make me solve the problem. However, at the end, when the solutions have been given, she would start to carve out a trap which she knows I would fall straight into. She knows my weakness–my family members–and she would likely use that to threaten me into obeying her.
Both of the cases needed my presence and my mind to be on par with her.
I smirked to myself as my thoughts subsided.
You really are something, lady. But don't cross the boundaries that would lead me to forget thinking about a way to treat you first. I might as well end up letting the Mides family causing your destruction.
With everything set up, I decided to breathe in before spilling my answers and spitting the truths. Don't tell me that they thought I was going to be that weak mentally. Is that why she was speaking about my eyes having swollen from my tears?
Pfft... I find this all funny. You expect me to stay when I know and remember very well as to why I wanted to leave in the first place. Even death seemed comforting at one point.
"I am sorry... However... I can't return to this palace or to this family."
The woman in front of me had her eyes widened, in shock of my answer. Her face held a drop of hurt that she was trying to cover up with another expression.
"I understand..." Her hands dropped from the sides of my face as she took a step back. "After all that I have done to you... I am certainly not deserving to be your mother."
The reason why although I could return and find my way out of the traps that she would set against me, I had another much bigger reason to why I didn't want to come back.
Because I was now the Guardian of Death. I had so many more problems to solve then just this. I had to oversee the conflicts that may occur at the Guardian Realm, and then manage the palace affairs... It was better if I was handling one at a time.
I had gotten a chance back to life, so I didn't want to waste it anymore. I wanted some time in my life that I could use to enjoy.
And this way, I would have more time to deal with myself than to deal with anything else.
However, there seemed to be a slight misunderstanding between us that I wanted to highlight.
"I have to leave now." I finally glanced at the window where the sun was starting to rise. It was almost time for her check-up. "Can you please promise me that you won't tell anyone that you met me? I would still be able to visit you. "
I knew I had to blackmail her. Otherwise, she would continue spitting about informations.
"And just so you know... I can't return to the palace since I am dead. Please don't mind it."