Christina takes out a cigarette from Xen's pack. She leans in toward him, silently asking him to light it for her. Xen, standing right next to her on the balcony, reluctantly flicks his lighter and brings the flame to her stick.
He doesn't mind. It is just another chance to see her face up close.
Xen speaks first. "So, what did you want to say to me?"
He leans forward and looks down. His mediocre fear of heights hits him every time, as if he forgets which floor his apartment is on. That slight dizziness he gets from looking down excites his thoughts just a little.
This time, Christina is the only one smoking. She looks east, where she can see all the red tail lights laid across the road, scattered inelegantly. She inhales one more time before speaking.
"Look at those two people over there."
They are giggling. Obnoxiously loud. A man and a woman. They look like they are in love.
"What are you trying to say?"
"Who do you think confessed first?"
Xen decides to humor her.
"Definitely the guy. Look how proud he looks."
"Yeah? Look at the girl holding his arm like that. She's in love. She definitely was the one who confessed."
"Do girls even confess first? Don't they always try to make the guys confess to them?"
Christina gets slightly offended by Xen's statement.
She speaks in a sarcastic, nerdy tone. "Excuse me, sir. Girls confess way more often than boys because they are all fucking pussies."
"'Pussies.' Ironic."
They both chuckle. Christina jabs Xen with her elbow.
Xen adds, "And for the record, I confessed to you. That's one point for the boys."
"Sure. A million more to go."
They watch the couple fade away into the crowd.
"Xen. Do you want that?"
He does.
"I do."
He adds quietly, "With you."
Christina shakes her head and turns her gaze to Xen. She smiles at him and rests her head on his shoulder.
"I'm not the one, Xen. Find someone else."
Xen gets annoyed. She says that all the time.
"Shut up. I told you that you're enough."
"There are others who can do more than enough, Xen."
She lifts her head and inhales her cigarette again.
She speaks while exhaling. "Go hit a nightclub." Her cig is almost out. She presses the ember out on the edge of his balcony fence. Christina holds onto the used stick so she can throw it away later in the bin. Her conscience will not let her toss it into the filthy streets of New York.
"Try the one I recommended to you a while ago. You haven't gone there yet, right?"
Xen nods.
"Dress up nice and head down there when you get lonely. Go sit somewhere and be a good boy. Some girl will eventually notice you and, you know, keep you company."
"That easy?"
"That easy."
Xen peeks at his pack of cigarettes he has been holding the entire time. Addiction wins. He takes out a stick.
✮⋆ ̇
"What is your purpose here?"
Two bodyguards, both twice Xen's size, block the entrance. They size him up, probably suspicious of a guy showing up alone.
"Just to have a drink," Xen answers.
The bass thumps through the concrete walls, a strangely satisfying vibration in his chest. It feels like the building itself has a heartbeat.
"And to enjoy the music," he adds, trying to sound a bit more convincing.
One of the bodyguards takes a long look at him, then gives a small nod.
"ID?"
"Yes." Xen quickly reaches for his wallet in his back pocket. He pulls out his driver's license and holds it up.
"Arms up."
Xen obeys without hesitation, letting the guard pat him down.
"You're good to go."
Xen doesn't respond. He just hurries past them.
The moment he steps inside, the club swallows him whole. Neon lights flash across his face in purple and blue, cutting the darkness into moving stripes. Heat, perfume, and alcohol cling to the air. For a second, it feels like he has crossed into another world.
Xen can see every individual person dancing, but at the same time they blend into one crowd, like a sea of waving arms.
He walks through limply, sidestepping anyone who stumbles too close. He keeps his head low, as if he is trying to hide from someone. Eventually, he slips his way to a random bar.
He finds an empty stool and waits his turn with the bartender. From where he sits, he can see the main dance floor in the distance. He wonders if anyone else came alone like he did. Everybody seems like they are together. It is as if one huge college class decided to come here to party. Everyone looks young, dancing as if all their problems disappeared.
A bartender finally notices Xen.
"Excuse me, sir!" he yells over the music.
Xen only turns because the bartender taps his shoulder.
"Oh, sorry."
His voice comes out too soft, swallowed by the bass.
"What would you like, sir?"
Xen catches on and raises his voice. "Do you have anything… somewhat strong?"
The bartender smirks. "Vodka okay? I can make you a Long Island, or just vodka soda if you wanna keep it simple."
Xen hesitates for a second. He thinks to himself, the fuck is a Long Island?
He chooses the one that sounds safer. "Vodka soda's fine."
"You got it."
Less than a minute later, the bartender slides Xen a vibrant blue drink.
"Blue Raspberry! Our usual favorites."
"Thank you."
Xen takes a sip. Mm. It is surprisingly easy to drink. The alcohol barely shows itself, just a faint burn hiding under the sweetness.
He turns back toward the crowd. How is he supposed to find someone to talk to in this mess? Everyone already looks busy laughing, dancing, leaning into somebody else.
Christina's words echo in his head. Just sit somewhere and be a good boy. Someone will come to you.
He lets out a small breath. "Yeah, right," he mutters into his glass.
✮⋆ ̇
Xen has already finished his vodka soda. Four of them, actually, by the time he starts doubting anyone will ever approach him.
He raises his hand at the bartender. He is a natural at this now. The bartender slides over.
"I'll try that Long Island now," Xen shouts, his voice hazy.
The bartender nods. He is trained not to ask questions unless it is an emergency. Just give the customer their drink. He whisks it up with practiced motions and passes it to Xen, adding a polite smile for the sake of professionalism.
Xen studies the glass. It looks like sweet tea, with a slice of lemon sitting neatly on the rim. He brings it to his lips. Mm. Citrus-y. Dangerous. It does not taste as strong as it sounds.
"Hey… are you alone?"
A playful voice brushes right against his ear. It is quiet, but close enough that he hears it perfectly clearly, even over the music.
Xen freezes. He turns, and a girl is already there, smiling directly in front of his face.
The first thing he notices are her eyes—bright pink, lit up by the neon and alcohol. He flinches back as much as he can until his spine presses against the edge of the bar.
Then he takes in the rest of her. Vibrant purple hair, cut in a bob that barely grazes her shoulders. A black choker around her neck, the pendant a tiny charm of a game character he vaguely recognizes. Her party outfit hugs her figure in all the right places, the kind of look designed to catch attention—and it works. For a moment, all Xen can do is stare.
Jenny.
Of course, he does not know that name yet. This is their first encounter.
Jenny senses his startledness. Perfect. She slides onto the stool next to him as if it has always been hers.
"I said, hey. Are you alone?" she repeats.
Xen nods. Christina was right. Of course she was. But a random girl just walking up to him like this? That easy?
She is pretty. Not exactly Xen's type, but pretty enough to make any guy forget his standards for a night.
"Why are you alone at the bar? Got dumped or something?"
Not far off.
"I guess so," he says.
Jenny raises an eyebrow. "You guess so? What do you mean by that?"
"I'm just drinking here."
"Just drinking, huh?"
Xen nods. He is too shy to say his real reason for coming to the club.
"Well, you're on your fifth drink, buddy."
"How did you know?"
"I was watching you from afar. You're more fun to stare at than talking to the three other guys who tried to hit on me."
Uh oh. Xen senses trouble. Is she trying to hit on him? Or just trying to get a quick night out of him? Either way, it feels safer to avoid someone like her.
"I'm sorry, I really am just here to dri—"
Jenny ignores his excuse and raises her hand to grab the same bartender who served Xen.
"Cosmopolitan, please!"
The bartender nods, then glances at Xen. He gives him a quick smile, somewhere between amused and sympathetic. This really does not look good.
"Don't worry, buddy," Jenny says. "I'm buying my own drink. I'm not here to trap you into paying for mine."
Xen was not worried about money. That was the least of his concerns.
Jenny turns back to him and leans in, bringing her face a little closer. Xen's heart skips a beat.
"Your name isn't 'buddy', right?" she asks. "Say, give yourself a name."
"Bradley."
Bradley is his real name. Xen is the nickname his friends use. At work and everywhere else, official forms and introductions, he is Bradley.
"Bradley…" Jenny repeats, tasting the word. "Cute name. I'll call you Brad, then. There. You sound more manly now."
Great. He accidentally slipped out his real name. She is making him panic. The alcohol in his system is not helping.
Jenny finally gets her drink. It looks classy—a clear, soft pink cocktail with lemon zest dusted around the rim. A thin straw pokes out of the glass. She gives it a slow stir, turning her wrist and waist together, carefully mixing the lemon into the drink.
"Brad, what did you mean by 'I guess so'?"
"Why do you care…"
"Come on, don't let me be wrong about you." She eyes him over the rim of her glass. "You're not boring, are you?"
"I did confess to someone before. She rejected me."
"Aww… poor you. So you came here right away, huh?"
"No. She rejected me six months ago."
Jenny hadn't expected that. She takes her first sip.
"Ahaha… six months ago, huh? You still haven't gotten over her?"
"I guess so."
Jenny takes a second sip, eyes locked on Xen, who is just sitting there like a good boy, exactly how Christina told him to behave.
"Do you still love her that much?"
"I guess so."
Poor Xen. To Jenny, he looks like the perfect prey. Just the kind of man she can twist around her finger. A great new toy.
"Six months is a pretty damn long time, dude. So what happened today that made you come to this hellhole?"
"She told me to come here."
Ah shit. He let the truth slip again.
"Care to explain?"
It is too late now. Xen cannot think straight with the music pounding and the alcohol fogging his brain.
"She told me to come here to find someone else."
Jenny cannot hold back a snort.
"That's funny, Brad. Am I the 'someone else'?"
"I don't know. You don't have to be."
"So you're still talking to her after six months. Even after she rejected you. Are you okay with that?"
"I still call her to come over. She helps me be okay."
Jenny finishes her drink on her third sip, effortless.
"Okay, wait. Is she okay with that?"
"I thought she was, but I guess not, since she's telling me to find someone else."
Xen finally lifts his Long Island again and drains what is left.
"You are some fucking loser, Brad."
Xen lets out a small laugh. Jenny does not seem so terrible anymore. Maybe she really just wants to talk while drinking. An extrovert doing what extroverts do.
"Oh yeah. Name's Jenny," she adds, as if remembering.
She offers her hand. He takes it.
"Say, Brad. How about we go somewhere quieter? Just us two."
Never mind. She is trouble. But she is exactly the kind of trouble Christina told him to meet. Someone who might replace her. Someone who might actually help him.
Xen clears his throat. "Sure."
Jenny grins and squints her eyes slightly. "Good boy."
She pulls a twenty from her purse and drops it on the bar. Xen checks his tab. 61.26 dollars. He places four twenty-dollar bills down and sighs.
Jenny grabs his wrist and leads him into the abyss of the crowd. Everyone around them is jumping and shouting, completely oblivious to the pair weaving through them.
At that moment, everything looks fuzzy. Lights smear into streaks, faces blur together. The only clear thing Xen can see is Jenny in front of him. She keeps glancing back to make sure it is still his wrist she is holding. Every time she turns, she smiles at him, sweet and innocent, as if she is not dragging him somewhere unknown.
Xen knows she is bad news. Someone who will probably destroy him from the inside out.
But right now, under the neon and the haze, she looks less like a devil and more like an angel reaching a hand down into his hell.
He does not care anymore.
✮⋆ ̇
The music finally starts to soften. The bass becomes a muffled heartbeat instead of full-on blast. Neon lights still glow in the dark hallway, but they are nowhere near as flashy as the dance floor. There is no crowd here. It feels calm.
Jenny stops at a door, checks the number, then pushes it open.
"We're here, Brad."
The room inside feels like a different world again.
A soft white bed lies low in the center, glowing faintly under the LED strips running along the ceiling. A giant television screen is mounted on the wall across from it. A small side table holds a bucket of melting ice and two empty glasses, as if the room has been quietly waiting for both Jenny and Xen.
The music is still there, but distant now, like it is happening in another building. The air is scented with some flowery smell Xen cannot place. It only reminds him of Christina's lavender perfume.
It really does feel like a hotel room, right in the middle of the club.
"Are you sure you want to rent a night here?" Jenny asks. "We can just go somewhere cheaper outside the club."
"It's fine. We're already here anyway."
"Well, if you don't mind spending money on a stranger like me, I guess I'll be obliged."
Xen stops just inside the doorway. Jenny lets go of his hand and slips off her tacky heels. Her height drops a few inches.
She looks over her shoulder, voice softening into something almost lazy. "Take off your shoes. Sit down on the bed with me."
He swallows. His throat feels dry despite drinking all night. Christina would probably laugh if she saw him like this. She would probably say, I told you so.
"Okay." Xen cannot say much more than that. For now, he just listens.
Jenny tosses her purse onto the table like she has done this a billion times. She sits first, then removes her accessories one by one, placing each piece on the cabinet beside the bed. Her choker comes off first, then her bracelets, then her earrings—clip-ons, not piercings.
Xen just stands there and watches, frozen, as if he needs Jenny's permission to sit next to her on the bed.
She can see how nervous he is. It makes her laugh under her breath.
"Brad, close the door for me. Oh, but no locking. I don't trust you yet."
"R-right. Of course."
He closes the door and leaves it unlocked. Obedient.
"Come here, Brad. Sit down with me."
"What are we doing?"
"I'll let you decide that."
Xen sits down, leaving a safe distance between them, but it does not take long for Jenny to close it.
She drapes an arm around his shoulders. "So, what do you want to do?"
"I…"
Xen cannot look at her directly. Jenny turns her head, watching him, waiting. She needs to hear him say it. She needs the words. Once he says it, she wins. Once she wins, she can make him obsessed with her, twist him, break him down.
"I'll do it…"
Of course. As expected. No guy ever misses the opportunity with Jenny. Xen is no exception. Jenny's smile widens.
"Do what?"
"I'll do… it… with you…"
He cannot physically say the word. His mind refuses to let it pass his lips.
Good enough for Jenny. She cannot wait much longer either.
"Then…"
Jenny gently pushes Xen back onto the bed.
She speaks softly as she slowly climbs on top of him, her hand sliding up his chest. "…just focus on me tonight. I'll be that someone for you."
She takes his hand and guides it upward, slowly, deliberately, toward her chest. Xen feels his control slipping away. The pressure of her weight against his waist is all he can feel. His pulse hammers in his ears.
Then he sees where her hand is taking his. Just an inch more and he will feel her.
He hesitates. His fingers stiffen.
Christina.
Christina.
Christina.
Her name slams into him with every heartbeat.
Xen jerks his arm away from Jenny's grasp.
"I—I'm sorry, Jenny. I don't know anymore. Could you… get off me for a second? Please."
"Huh…?"
Jenny freezes. Her expression twists, irritation flickering into something close to disgust. She had been so close.
Xen covers his face with both hands. Shame crawls up his neck.
"I'm sorry…"
"You're playing with me, right?" Jenny says. "You're just shy, right? It's okay, Brad. I'll guide you along. So let's just contin—"
"No. Jenny." His voice sharpens. "Please. Get off me now."
Jenny pushes herself off him. She cannot control her face anymore. Xen can see it clearly: she is pissed. Her glare cuts through the dim light and straight into him.
What the fuck is wrong with him? No other guys ever resist her. Why is he hesitating now? Jenny does not understand.
"Hey. Buddy." Her voice drips acid. "Am I not attractive enough for you? Do you not like my body? Are big boobs not your thing?"
"No…" Xen forces the words out. "I just… couldn't stop thinking of her."
"What, the fucking girl who rejected you?" Jenny snaps. "Fuck off. She rejected you. Like six months ago. Get over it, dipshit."
Xen pushes himself upright, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"I'm sorry, Jenny."
"Shut the fuck up."
She cannot believe it. She was so close. Xen was right there. Who is this woman that makes him so stubborn? Jenny feels a hot stab of jealousy that she cannot beat someone who is not even in the room. She cannot make Xen forget her, not even for one night.
"If I'm attractive, then just do it with me," she spits. "Have sex with me. Forget about her. You can't do that for just one night? You two can never be together anyway."
Xen snaps. That last sentence hits him hard.
"Why do you do this to yourself?" he fires back. "Do you just go around and find random guys to do this with?"
"Don't fucking ask about what I do." Her jaw clenches. "You're obviously way more fucked up than me. You will never find anyone else. Especially when she's got you in a literal fucking chokehold."
Xen exhales, long and tired. He can see more of her now than just the flirty mask.
"Look," he says quietly. "I'm sorry. But it's not just because of her that I wanted to stop. It didn't feel right to use you like that either. Even if we're just strangers."
Jenny turns her head away, staring at the wall.
"Okay. Fine."
A few heavy seconds pass, filled only by the faint bass leaking through the walls.
Then Jenny speaks again, voice lower.
"This woman you're so obsessed with," she says. "Tell me about her. What is she like?"
"Mm. An angel."
Jenny scoffs.
"Angel my ass."
"She's there every day for me," Xen says. "She cooks for me, watches movies with me, helps me sleep, and she's always there whenever I lose sight of myself. I have nights where I just can't remember what I did. And she will always tell me what happened."
He smiles to himself. "Because she's always there to witness it all."
Jenny turns to look at him. She sees that smile. It looks genuine.
"I see. An angel, huh?"
She stretches out her arm as she flops back onto the bed.
"If she's such an angel to you, why aren't you guys together? She's taking care of you every day. It doesn't make sense."
"Right? I don't know why either. She won't even tell me why she rejected me. She keeps telling me it's her, not me."
"I always find that bullshit." Jenny snorts. "She's strange though."
"Yeah. She is. But it's fine. I'm able to somewhat function thanks to her."
Jenny turns to look at Xen again. She can see it now. How broken he is. She wonders if he even realizes it himself.
"Brad. Get over her," she says quietly. "You might be okay now, but it's going to really kill you one day."
"Hey," Xen counters, "do you really go find random guys to do this with you?"
Jenny sighs and rolls her eyes.
"I don't actually have sex with anyone," she says. "I have too much self-respect for that shit. I just… like to play with men's feelings. Get them obsessed with me. Lead them on. Keep them on the edge. It's fun to watch them lose themselves. Sometimes they try to win me over by buying me expensive shit. And their faces when I tell them we're done talking…" She lets out a small laugh. "It feels so good."
She pushes herself back up and pats Xen's back.
"So I would know, Brad. She's doing what I do, and she's doing it for six months. I don't even drag it out that long. Listen to me."
"I'm scared of losing her," Xen admits. "I'm scared of what I'd become without her."
"You're proving my point here, idiot. Here, I'll help you. I can distract you."
"Aren't you no better?"
"Dude. I only do it to guys who literally come here to fuck. I do it to people who deserve it."
"Right. Did I deserve it?"
"Remind me why you came here again?"
Xen pauses. The answer hits him like a slap.
"Touche."
Jenny lets out a weird noise. She cannot hold it in and ends up blurting out a laugh.
"You know what, Brad, you're a really funny guy. I like you. Let's be friends."
"Xen."
"Hm?"
"Call me Xen."
"Did your name change all of a sudden? Also, what name is that?"
"My nickname. It's what all of my friends call me."
"Oh. So we're friends now?"
"Could we?"
"Sure, Xen."
The alcohol starts getting the best of him. His eyelids feel heavy. He glances at his phone.
3:39 AM.
"Say, Xen. I'm getting a bit thirsty. Why don't we order some drin—"
"Jenny." He cuts her off gently. "There's actually something I'd like to ask you to do…"
Jenny leans forward, curious.
"Jenny at your service~ How may I help you, Xen?"
Xen looks up at her. She is even prettier like this, when she is not playing a role. If he could, he would tell her to stop doing this to herself. To tell her she could be happier if she stayed like this—genuine, simple, just herself.
But he cannot talk. Not about that. Not when he can barely fix himself.
"Help me fall asleep," he says. "I'm tired."
"Alright. I'm good at this too." She pats the bed. "Go lay down."
"Mm." Xen crawls onto the bed.
Jenny pulls the blanket over him and starts patting his head slowly, rhythmically.
"Good night, Xen."
"Thanks a lot, Jenny. Thank you. You can go after this. You don't need to stay."
"It's fine. I'm not gonna reject a free place to sleep." She smirks. "But I'll go have some more fun before I pass out as well."
"Okay… the key is on the table. Take it with you."
Jenny keeps patting his head. "Okay."
✮⋆ ̇
"I never heard you be honest like that. Are you sure you're okay telling him what you do?"
Xen is already fast asleep. His breathing is slow and even, his face finally relaxed. Jenny still sits next to him, staying close in case he wakes up too early.
Another guy leans against the wall of the room. Chris.
"So what? We're friends now," Jenny replies, eyes still on Xen.
She finally stands and walks over to Chris. She wraps her arms around him in a quiet hug of gratitude.
"Were you outside the whole time? Did you listen to the entire conversation?"
He hugs her back.
"I did," he says. "You knew, didn't you? That's why you told him to leave the door unlocked, right?"
"Mm. I sensed you."
Jenny feels happiest when her head rests against Chris' chest. That is where she feels the most comforted.
"What did you think of him?" she asks.
"Hm… the kid is definitely broken," Chris answers. "But something tells me it's not necessarily the girl's fault."
"Nah, it's definitely her fault. No guy lets himself get like that on his own."
"Who knows."
"Chris. Let's have some fun now."
"You know I don't really like clubs…"
"Dance with me~ please~"
Chris smiles.
"Sure."
✮⋆ ̇
"Xen."
Xenice catches Xen's attention.
"Yes?"
"How do you meet other people in this world?"
That is a good question. Xen does not really know the answer himself. He is introverted, nothing like Jenny.
"Hmm… it just happens when you go out."
"Like exploration."
"Yeah. Like exploration. That easy."
Xenice repeats his words under her breath. "That easy…"
Xen and Xenice walk side by side down the street. The morning air is chilly, perfect for pancakes. Xen has been craving them ever since he dreamed of pancakes last night.
"Will Jenny and Chris be there?"
"Mhm. They are already there, waiting for us."
Xenice gasps.
"Is that so? We must hurry then."
She picks up the pace and wobbles downhill in her thick coat and scarf.
"Wait up."
Xen follows behind her.
"This outfit, Xen, is inefficient for running."
Xen pants for air. "Because it is not meant for running."
She slows down just enough for him to catch up. Then she matches his pace.
"There, Xenice. That is IHOP. We are almost there."
Right outside the entrance, they can see Jenny and Chris waiting. Jenny looks a little different today. She is the first to notice the two of them running.
"Xenice. Xen. The finish line is over here."
Xenice and Xen finally arrive. Xen bends forward, out of breath. Xenice, on the other hand, stands perfectly calm. She greets them first.
"Jenny. Chris. Hello."
Chris speaks first. "You two did not have to run like that. Are you okay, Xen?"
Xen is still catching his breath, hands planted on his knees. "Yeah. I am okay. Xenice wanted to run."
"Oh boy, Xen. Look who is out of shape."
Xen looks up at Jenny. She is wearing an oversized hoodie and joggers, something he never imagined her wearing. Nothing reveals her figure. The most noticeable thing is her thick, nerdy glasses. In the cold air the lenses are fogged so badly he can barely see her eyes.
"Jenny, is that really you?"
"Eh?"