"This is inconceivable. Inconceivable, Dan Heng!"
"I heard you the first time."
Sunny felt like he was going to cry. And that was saying something, considering that this non-canon side story had no real consequences on the main story. Dan Heng stood to the side, pinching his brow as if he was in deep consideration of whether or not he should simply throw his shorter buddy to the wolves.
Very horny wolves, at that.
Before them was a massive chart — and by massive, Sunny meant that it was as wide as five Phainons were tall... and yes, Sunny knew that hunk of a man's exact height to the decimal. Unfortunately, they were both banned from homosexual acts, because 'two boys can't kiss each other' or whatever.
'Sucks to suck, Cyrene. I'm the protagonist, and I can be as gay as I want!'
Now that he thought about it, where was she? Ah, probably slipped through time or something. Maybe she was getting a Demoness potion so that her friend (cousin?) didn't have to be queer. The self-proclaimed farm girl drew some very odd lines, considering her entire village was inbred to some degree.
Wait, but did the Law of Beyonder Characteristics work like that? And her odd state of existence didn't really allow for interacting with anything, so what could she possibly be doing when he was having the hardest time of his life?
And that was why Phainon was better.
Moving on from his overly masculine make-out sessions with his gay homeboy, he was forced to face far more depressing trials. Frankly, he wasn't sure if he was going to make it out alive...
"Crazy, crazy, depressed, crazy, fish, crazy, crazy, and actually just a wholesome bird lady."
Sunny nodded. Then, he sunk into himself.
"I'm so fried. Dan Heng, why didn't you tell me to put the dick down sooner!"
The side glance he received was very judgmental.
"Since when was I responsible for your... adventures?"
The shadow, who was now an endangered species due to his own lust and greed, crossed his arms stubbornly.
"Uh, that's your character archetype, duh! Just because I go out trying to get pegged doesn't mean you should let me."
The Vidyadhara's frown deepened.
"I did not need to know that."
"Eh, it's pretty surface-level stuff. I mean, you should see the things I can do with my Aspect—"
"Shut up."
"...Anyways—"
Sunny scanned the chart before him, strings interconnecting the various photos he happened to conveniently have. Multiple notes were scrawled, such as 'twin sisters two-for-one deal' or 'use cucumbers to buy time.' There were others, such as 'one wrong move and I'm executed in front of the masses' or 'isn't she supposed to be like, kind of dead but not really?'
He exhaled.
"No, no, I got this. All I have to do is gather them all in one place, where they'll have no idea who all these other women are, and give them the 'Sunny special.'"
Dan Heng squinted.
"And that is...?"
"For example: nothing."
"Of course. I didn't expect anything more."
Sunny tapped his temple, long hair swaying majestically as he tilted his head from side to side.
"Only seven bodies wouldn't be enough, but there has to be a way. I'm the GOAT according to the illiterate, you know?"
That was when he paused.
"China!"
Dan Heng froze, something in his genes reacting violently to those words.
"What... what did you say?"
Sunny smugly grinned.
"The Chinese Communist Party! It's genius! If I and my six other selves are the dictators, then I can naturally control those fiends by convincing them that what's good for me is good for them! In particular, I just need to convince them to stay home because I have a Godslaying illness, and I'll cry fake tears as I tell them how badly I don't want to infect them. And in that show of fragility, all arousal will dry up like the desert, and they'll go home without satisfaction, plotting for another day..."
"That's definitely not going to work. They will kill you, then each other. Maybe the other way around."
Sunny's grin fell, twisting into a scowl.
"Oh, yeah? Well what do you suggest, since you're supposedly more experienced then me, a true harem protagonist?"
Ignoring the dripping sarcasm, Dan Heng rubbed his chin.
"Perhaps you can schedule them?"
Sunny paused.
"Elaborate."
"There's no rule saying to have to spend all of Valentine's Day with them. If you can end one date and move on to another, then you might be able to get through them all."
He narrowed his eyes.
"Even the ones you forgot."
Sunny blinked in response, before casually waving him off as if his life wasn't at risk today.
"Forgot? Who do you take me for? Let me tell you, there's either nothing, or I already know they wouldn't make a big deal of today. I'm just worried about the ones who might stab, burn, or just kill me."
Dan Heng's expression was decidedly unconvinced even as Sunny tried to continue:
"And, uh... I might have done a little bit of spoiling? I mean, they're bound to notice if I dip after only a few hours."
The stoic man's jaw twitched.
"Only?!"
Sunny scratched the back of his head.
"Well, when a girl wants your time, you need to give her at least a day. Unless, uh... unless they're completely sane. Fuck."
Sunny grimaced.
"You know what, I'll just have to try it. Right, what's the worse that could happen? Castration? Nah, they'll at least leave my serpent intact."
Dan Heng shook his head.
"That was one of the worst wastes of time in my life. Congratulations. Just remember to take care of Little Ica."
Sunny stared for a few long moments. Then, his eye began to twitch.
"Lil' Ica, huh? And why is that, Dannie? Perhaps you're trying to remove a third wheel, and thought it easy to unload said third wheel in the hands of your friend, who may or may not live to see the next day? Whatever happened to bros before hoes, huh?"
The taller man whistled innocently.
"Well, you know how it is..."
"Get out of my train!"
It seemed like Dan Heng really didn't want to be here, wanting nothing more than to go on his date and leave Sunny to his own devices, as he quickly hurried out of the Express. Sunny huffed — seriously, why did he have to deal with that fatass pegasus? Nightmare was so much cooler anyways. Where even was Little Ica?
'Wait, no, I can make do with this...'
Yes, Ica would be his secret weapon. He'd turn his one-man mission into a two-man!
Sunny tied a headband made of shadows around his head, a determined glint in his eyes. His sex life was at risk here — a cataclysmic event — so he needed to go all out.
"Let's get cracking!"