Currently, my left arm is outstretched, with my tightly clenched fist piercing the head of the former manager of this place. My doppelganger is beside me, also contemplating the grotesque vision displayed before us:
The face of the ex-manager of this place is deformed with a hole, his eyes sunken in their sockets, his jaw losing most of its teeth, and I can feel the squishy, still-warm flesh and blood deforming around my fist to form the hole through his skull.
Everything had happened way too fast: My doppelganger and I were shocked, bewildered about what to do with the endangered and frightened prisoners, and then this guy pulled out one of his annoying Nen-enhanced guns to try and shoot me.
I was under immense pressure, and didn't have time to think, so as soon as the man pulled the trigger, I dodged the bullet that cut my cheek and punched him in the face with all my might. But this time I didn't use Ryu; instead, I had decided to use Ko on the spot.
I don't know if it was because of the things he spouted, because he tried to shoot me or because I felt that his death was the only way to stop his plans, but I had hit him with the strong wish of finishing him off guiding my actions and my aura.
This was unexpected. I'd never felt bloodlust towards anyone before coming to this place, not even in Heavens Arena battles. But now I've let myself be controlled by this newfound emotion, and the consequences are irreversible and couldn't have been more horrifying to me.
After a minute of silent bewilderment, I abruptly withdraw my fist and the corpse falls to the ground with a dull thud.
Sweating and hyperventilating due to nerves, I examine my hand covered in blood, discerning small pieces of brain and bone stuck to it. This fills me with a mixture of panic and nausea as a ringing begins in my ears and my vision blurs with each beat of my heart.
"Hey, Nicholas, calm down." My double calmly says, trying to approach me, but I reject him, scared and confused.
"Nicholas, I understand this is a lot to take in all at once. I am you, after all."
"No, no, no. You don't understand. You're not the one who just punched a man's head through! You can't understand!" I reply nervously, showing him my bloody hand for emphasis.
"Okay, yes, that's true! But I'm still you, so this affects me a lot too!" My doppelganger responds, visibly annoyed by my words.
I simply ignore him and start walking, my mind racing. I'm not receptive to his words right now.
"Look, I know this is really messed up, and I also know you weren't planning on causing casualties after having been through this for a second time, but we've seen people being killed right in front of us many times by now, so we're not strangers to this world."
"But in those cases it was always the boss or someone else who did it! This time I was the one who did it! I just took a man life with my own hand!" I counter-argument, still shaken.
"I know, and I understand that it affects you, but you knew very well that this was part of the Hunter's job! Besides, you heard all the death threats he made against us, right?! You had no other choice! You haven't done anything wrong!" My double yells, trying to convince me.
"Of course I did!!! It doesn't matter if I have a Blacklist Hunter's license, I killed someone in cold blood and his blood is still literally on my hands!!! ON MY HANDS!!!" I say, waving my hands frantically in front of my double's face.
Deep down, I know that all of my doppelganger's arguments are correct, but I'm still too shaken by the recent incident, so I walk over to a wall and sit on the ground with my hands holding my head, still trying to make sense of it all.
My doppelganger simply sighs and comes over to sit right next to me while his gaze remains fixed on me.
"You're right. You killed someone for the first time, and that's a lot to take in. Being you, I feel that I'd break down after something like that too. But at least you didn't hesitate when the moment came, and that's something you should take to heart." My doppelganger says, drawing my surprised attention and gently placing his hand on my shoulder.
"Take all the time you need to calm down, and once you've recovered, call Riven and the Kai's double to inform them and get their report."
"I'm sure that, just like the real boss, he'll know what to say, as always."
For the first time in this conversation, I'm actually listening to what my doppelganger is saying instead of just hearing it. Even if a copy of myself can't convince me, I know the boss will know exactly what to say to help me get through this.
Despite understanding that, I'm still deeply disturbed by what happened, and I continue to tremble and breathe frantically from the turbulent emotions overwhelming my mind, with my doppelganger just there to support me.
So we stay there for about 8 minutes, and once my head clears enough, I dial on my phone with my still trembling fingers to call Riven.
'Here we go. I hope the double is similar enough to the original.' I think anxiously as I hear the phone ringing.
"No, it doesn't seem so. I've already dealt with all the defense personnel... and the women's safety is assured. I'm calling to see how things are going on your side." I answer.
"Hmm, excuse me, but I'd prefer that boss Kai's doppelganger fill me in on the facts." I say, cutting off his explanation.
"Can you give him your phone or is he unavailable right now?"
Then I hear Riven calling Kai on the other end, and a few seconds later I shudder to hear his voice in my ear.
"Yes, that's true. He said the situation is over on your end. So... Could you start by explaining what happened?" I ask, trying to procrastinate my problem.
The call remains in an awkward silence for a few seconds before the Kai's double's voice comes through again.
"Wow, you've really taken care of everything on your end without any problems, haven't you? I'm glad to hear Riven has lived up to his contract. We should also consider giving Tetsu and Natasha a chance for future assignments." I say, feeling a little more relieved that the mission was an absolute success.
Faced with his arguments, my mind goes blank. It had caught me by surprise. I certainly hadn't expected a construct made with my Nen ability to infer my situation so quickly. Despite my initial doubts, it seems the boss' double is indeed just as perceptive as the original.
After the initial shock, I sunk into my thoughts about whether to tell him or not for a moment until I finally stop hesitating and speak again. "Sigh. Just as I expected, it's a futile effort to try to hide anything from you. Okay, I'll tell you. What happened on my side was..."
And so, for the next minutes, I begin to tell him everything that had happened since my doppelganger and I split from them; how I arrived at the warehouse where the women were being held captive, how I dealt with the bunch guarding it, how the manager of this place attacked me by surprise, our battle, his actions once I had defeated him, and... what that caused as well.
"Yes. Even if the person was a piece of scum who intended to harm us all, I still feel incredibly ashamed, disgusted, and guilty about what I've done." I begin to express my distress.
"I'm overwelmed by remorse, and the sensation of my hand piercing that man's head keeps replaying in my mind over and over again. A single second of loss of control that I can't change no matter what I do."
"My conscience keeps telling me that I've done something horrible, and I feel that if I don't do something to solve it, the grief and worry are going to end up tearing me in two."
"In tough times like these, boss Kai has always been there to support me and offer advice, and now is when I need his wisdom the most. But to my further misfortune, he is currently on Greed Island taking care of another job, and made it very clear to me that he'd be unavailable until his return. That's why I decided to talk to you instead."
"So tell me, can you help me in his place? As a Nen duplicate with all of boss Kai's memories, do you know what words he would say to help me overcome this situation?"
Having aired all my worries and fears, I wait impatiently for the boss' double reply. I truly need to overcome this obstacle if I want to continue my work as a Blacklist Hunter alongside the boss, and that's why I'm placing all my hopes in his doppelganger knowing exactly what to do to help me achieve it.
Unconfident, I take some time to think before answering. "No. It all happened in the split of a second and I basically acted on instinct, so I didn't have time to think or hesitate."
The frank and simple answer he gives to my emotional conflict leaves me with a flat stare. "And that's it? Is that your grand answer to my dilemma?! That I should just forget about it and that's it?!"
"I'm telling you I'm having a terrible time here and you come up with such a petty solution! Ignore it and get over it!"
"This isn't about watching a scary movie or failing to get into the university you wanted! Even seeing someone die doesn't compare! I've taken a human life! I'm a murderer! If I wasn't a Hunter, I'd be arrested and thrown in jail, damn it!"
"The problem isn't about whether or not to label someone aa a murderer, but about this guilt and grief that's eating me up inside." I reply, dismissing his rhetorical question.
"But the boss was able to kill someone for the first time without it affecting him at all." I say, remembering the experience at the Trick Tower.
"His lifestyle?" I ask puzzled.
"I didn't think he'd gone through all that ordeal. Since he never talks about his past, I thought it had just come naturally to him. It seems the boss' faced his own difficulties along the way, too." I think out loud, realizing that there's much I don't know about Kai Ikeda yet.
"You are absolutely right about that." I bluntly state.
"But what if I can't shake it off?" I ask, still unsure.
After hearing these last inspiring, moving statements from Kai's doppelganger, I finally feel that the restless feelings that had been tormenting me begin to calm down.
It's not as if I'm still not greatly affected by having killed someone for the first time, but now it no longer occupies all the space in my head, relentlessly tormenting me and preventing me from thinking about anything else.
While I'm still anxious and disturbed by guilt, I now have faith that I can overcome it with time and by focusing on pursuing my career as a Blacklist Hunter.
Asking for advice from boss Kai's doppelganger was the right decision.
Hearing his proposal, my still broken emotional state and lack of knowledge in this field tempt me quite a bit to accept and leave the matter in his hands, but at regaining my attention on the still hurt and scared girls in the cages sealed with Nen talismans, I change my mind.
"I appreciate your intention, but that won't be necessary. I'll personally take care of getting the information out of them." I declare resolutely.
"I'm the acting leader of this recovery mission, so it's my responsibility to tie up all the loose ends. Bring them to the warehouse and leave the interrogation to me. Now." I order him, standing on my decision.