Hey, Folks
What's new?
Nothing so wild in my corner of the world, you know?
A little peace goes a long way, and that peace comes with being properly healed and appreciated.
I've been single for just over four years now, and I just opened my mind and heart to dating just a handful of months ago.
That's been...
Interesting, to say the VERY least, lmao.
Humans are strange.
It seems to me that the majority of you...(clears throat) us don't know what the hell we actually want, and the dating scene is extremely convoluted and filled with a bunch of people who are looking for people who can do something for them.
That sucks.
Whatever happened to mutual attraction?
Why are people so selfish and superficial as of late?
So strange, I tell you.
I've been courting someone new.
I like her, and she seems to like me just as much.
She is a busy woman, and we don't talk as much as I would like, but is that not selfish of me?
Hmm.
I so believe that we make time for who and what we want, but I do understand that time can get away from us if we let it.
I am often torn, you know?
Bah.
I often think that I am healed beyond love and companionship in some ways...
I want to love and be loved, but I am also very fine just being alone in my little single world.
But...
What is life if not a journey to be shared?
Hmm, and hmm again.
Let's go see what young me was up to, yeah?
See you all soon!
Enjoy.
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October 16th, 2013.
Journal #104.
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XXXXX once asked me:
"Could you wait forever for her?"
And at the time,
I said yes.
I said yes, and I meant that.
But as time goes on, so does life.
I want a kid.
A family.
A wife.
I want many things.
But I subject myself to this personal torture.
For what?
There seems like there is so much to gain,
But so much to lose.
"You and I have something, but it's all, and then it's nothing to me."
That keeps going through my head.
What am I waiting for?
I'm my own enemy when it comes to her...
Part of me thinks I should just invest in something...
Someone else.
Part of me...
My mind is always wondering:
"What if?"
And loving someone so much hurts.
It's no one's fault but mine,
And me loving her so much isn't making my life or hers any easier.
We are just friends.
I know my role, and I play it well, so why should I try to change that?
A knight can't become a King...
That's how life works...
I'll stay her friend, and that's probably it.
Part of me can live with that.
Part of me...
End.
-----
Hmm.
- Wait forever?
I was dating a young lady for some time, and my and my current exe were just friends at that time. I was madly in love with her, and she knew it.
She knew that she wanted nothing to do with me outside of my dick, and she let me fall in love with her.
I left the woman I was with for several reasons, but one large one was definitely because I was given the illusion that she and I could build a phenomenal world together.
She made me feel like she would one day be just as in love with me as I was with her; I just needed to stick by her side and give her support and time.
I walked away from someone who loved me deeply for someone who loved the attention I gave them.
I gave her just over 10 years of me.
Eight and a half years with her, and another two after I left her.
I met her when I was 16.
We got together when I was 23.
I walked away from her when I was 33.
I blocked her from any and all ways of contacting me when I was just shy of 36.
I've been doing just fine.
I don't hold any heavy, negative emotions towards her, and I wish her the best.
I just hope that all of that great stuff comes to her as far away from me as possible, lol.
I told her that I forgive her, and that I never want to see or hear from her again.
I told her that given our past, we could simply never be just friends.
I think that's fair, yeah?
She doesn't deserve my time, attention, and energy; I gave her more than enough.
It is ironic that even the woman I was leaving for her was trying to warn me that I was and would always be wasting my time chasing her love.
A part of me wishes I had heeded that warning; the other part realizes that I am here where I am only because of what I've been through with her.
Everything happens for a reason, you know?
Good and bad.
We either learn from our lessons, or we don't repeat them.
I have learned to spot flags, and I dodge them with relative ease, lol.
I block people as soon as I see even a flash of red, and I fear at times that mayhap that is a form of pushing people away.
She did some real damage, but I am good to go.
This heart of mine is resilient, you know?
Go read some of my poetry; you'll see that this love I have is worth all of the wait
- I don't know why I didn't and still don't tend to listen to myself... I told myself to leave.
To walk away.
I told myself that she was not good for me, and that friends are all that we should ever be. I know that I was manipulated and lied to, but it really does feel like I was just a fuckin' idiot half the time, lbvs. I still have a hard time listening to myself, but I have gotten HECKA BETTER!
Listen, Folks...
Sometimes red flags are red flags, and those red flags are just really red flags, regardless of how not-red they may seem, or how really not-red we may want them to be. At the end of the day, the red flags are just red, and no matter how much we may want them to be anything but red, they are only red, and red can never be anything other than the red it is.
Well, unless it's from a different country, I suppose...
Like, is Mexican red still red?
How about Chinese red?
German red!?
Does a difference in language or region make red any less red than it was?
I forget what the point was...
Thanks a lot, me.
Hmm.
- "You and I have something, but it's all, and then it's nothing to me..."
Goo Goo Dolls, yeah?
I love some of their music.
Looking back, I can see now that this lyric was always meant for me to speak to me, and not the other way around.
I was her way out.
I was her rescue, her escape from her exe.
I was never meant to be more than just that.
I was aware of that, but she realized how lucrative it would be for her to keep me around, and lord knows she did a damned good job of it.
- Stick to the roles you play in people's lives unless those roles are detrimental to you. ALWAYS cherish yourself, your time, and your energy above and before all else.
You can't get any of those things back once lost, especially not the version of you that you lose.
I will leave you all at that, and I hope that this and all of the other posts I've made here do you some good, you know?
Love hard, and love deeply, just love carefully.
Life is already hard enough; don't walk through it with someone whose presence you don't enjoy.
As I always say: Don't let love become a cage.
People are only as special as we make them in our minds.
I love and appreciate you all for 192,940K Views in English, and an amazing additional 72,300K in Spanish!
I will see you all back here soon, yeah?
Safe travels as you move about this world of ours, and as always;
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
- Bluu.