The door had two locks on it.
One was Mama's — a heavy brass thing she turned herself every morning before she left and every evening when she came back. The other was mine — a little sliding bolt near the floor that I'd found one day and learned to use when the twins started coming at night.
Mama never said anything about the second lock. She just started knocking before she came in.
She was knocking now.
Three short, one long. That one meant it was her and not them.
I crossed the room and slid the bolt.
She came in the way she always did — quietly, and quickly.
Pulling the door shut behind her like something outside might follow the light in. She had her bag with her. The one with the wide tooth comb and the oil that smelled like something warm I didn't have a name for.
"Come," she said.
I sat on the floor between her knees the way I always did, and she started at the ends the way she'd taught me — work from the bottom up, never pull, let the comb do the work. Her hands were warm.
They were always warm.
Outside the door I could hear the house being the house.
Footsteps.
A door opening somewhere.
Saisho's voice, low and certain, the way it always was when he was telling someone what to do.
Mama's hands didn't stop.
"Hold still, baby."
I held still.
The comb moved through a knot and my eyes watered a little but I didn't make a sound. I'd learned not to make sounds that went under the door.
They'd hear it.
Mama stifled a cough.
"Almost," she said.
Her thumb smoothed down the section she'd just worked through. That was the part I liked best — after the comb, her hand just resting there for a second. Like she was checking her work. Like she was making sure I was still there.
The house went quiet in a particular way and we both felt it — that specific silence that meant someone was standing near the door. Mama's hands didn't stop but they slowed, just slightly. She knew all the silences in this house the way I knew all the locks.
The footsteps moved on.
Before she continued, I felt a slight shake atop my head.
Then, her hands found their rhythm again.
"Mama."
"Mm."
"How long do I have to stay here?"
She didn't answer right away. She sectioned off another piece and started working through it, slow and careful.
"Until I say," she said.
"That's not a real answer."
"I know."
I watched our shadow on the wall while she worked. Hers large and mine small, her hands moving through the shape of my hair. The lamp in the corner was the only light. We'd gotten good at being quiet in small lit rooms.
"Am I in trouble?" I asked.
"No, baby." No hesitation. "You are never in trouble."
I thought about that.
"Then why do I have to stay?"
Her hands stilled for just a moment. Then started again.
"Because I love you," she said. "And this is the only way I can show it right now."
…I didn't understand that yet.
I was only five at the time and I didn't understand how love could look like a locked door. But I understood her hands. I understood the comb and the oil and the way she always checked her work before she moved on.
I understood that when she was in this room, nothing came through the door.
So I held still as she finished my hair.
Once the last holding band was in, she rested her hand on my head. I curled in closer as we let the silence of the room take over. It barely shrouded our breathing as I held close to mama.
"Fuxi."
"Yes mama?"
Her hand paused in my hair.
"…Mommy's sick dear."
I tilted my head. Someone like her was never sick. So, I didn't believe her.
"You're not mama. You look right as rain right now."
Miel smiled.
"… You're right my daughter."
She resumed running her hand through my hair as the noise in the house started to die down.
That could mean only one thing.
It had to be night time.
Mama pried me from her and got up.
"Mama?"
Miel flashed me a soft smile.
"You know mama's gotta go back. I don't want you to get hurt more than you already have."
She paused as she got to the door.
I grabbed her pant leg and tugged twice.
As she turned around, I flashed a smile back.
For a second, she didn't move. Then, she threw herself on me and hugged me tight.
As she opened the door, I noticed her say something I couldn't catch.
Now…
I knew what her words were as she locked her lock.
"Live your life to the fullest, o child of mine."
______________________________________________________________________________________
Something cold hit my head as I came to.
Mama?
All I could hear was the sound of my own breathing and…
Warmth?
Something was wrong with my clothes. Warm when everything else was cold.
I didn't understand it at first.
"M-Mama? W-Where are you? It's d-dark in h-here. I couldn't h-hold it anymore."
I felt a tear streak down my face and tried to wipe it.
I couldn't move.
That's when I noticed there was no floor beneath me. I tried to stretch my feet down and felt very little resistance.
Am I in the air?
Wait…
My arms feel like they're on fire.
Another drop hit my head.
I tried to move my arms.
I couldn't move them, but I heard light clinking coming from above.
"Oh, she's awake."
A voice came from somewhere close.
Amused.
Like this was funny to someone.
I moved my head to the sound of the voice.
"U-Um… Excuse me. I-I'm lost. Can you get me down from h-here?"
I didn't understand most of what they said next.
Just the tone of it.
Like I was something they were looking at, not someone they were talking to.
I twisted my body, trying to free myself.
"H-Hello? Can anyone help-p me—"
"Wait till the AllFather sees this one."
Something sharp found my side and I stopped thinking about anything else at all.
"IT HURTS!"
I gasped for air as tears streamed down my soiled clothes.
"IT HURTTTSSSS!!"
The sharp thing was pulled out and my tongue ran over a dry spot on the side of my mouth.
Salt.
Iron-ish.
Then—
"Oops, hold still, baby, just a little got on you."
Mama wiped her thumb at the corner of my mouth.
All I could taste was the bitter oil on my tongue for just a second before she laughed softly.
It wasn't at me, but laughed at the face I made and kept combing—
"S-stop. P-please st-top—"
The voice above me said something else.
I couldn't hear it.
I was still tasting oil that wasn't there.
"Holy shit. How much was in that one?"
Firm hands gripped my face as I felt a hot breath on my skin.
"About... 700cc."
Something or someone ran into something.
"That's enough to kill 70 people! What are you, insane?!"
My face jerked left.
"Not this one. She's stronger than the other subjects the AllFather curated."
The hot breath disappeared for a second
"To answer your second question..."
Another sharp thing pierced my midsection.
I screamed until I had no air left.
Crazed laughter filled the silence.
"Insanity is just a bonus to joining this organization."
The firm hands returned to my face.
"C'mon drug mule, make more noise. Make this interesting for me."
The blindfold had slipped just enough for me to perceive gray light.
I could barely see a metal tray.
Wet in places that shined in red.
There were needles and things with edges I didn't have words for within them.
Some tinted with the same red.
I tried to look away from it. My eyes wouldn't listen.
Something moved.
What was that?
I looked down to see the hands still firmly on my face.
I felt it before I understood I was feeling it — a pressure, deep, somewhere under my ribs that didn't belong to the needles or the knives on the tray.
I looked down.
There was no word in me for what I saw.
It wasn't an arm, nor a tool.
It moved the way nothing on the tray could move, the way nothing should move on its own.
I made a sound that wasn't a scream.
The voice behind me laughed.
"Easy, Charles. She's not ready for that part yet."
The pressure in my ribs pulled back.
All I could feel was unimaginable pain from my stomach down.
As I fought my heavy eyes, I tried to understand what was happening.
But all I could understand were three things.
Charles.
AllFather.
Helpless.
"Ma… ma."
______________________________________________________________________________________
Cheese…
Butter…
…
My head quickly turned to the sound.
I crawled over to the dripping water as fast as I could.
I can barely feel my body…
Where's mama?
I wanna see her…
Once I got to the area, I stopped moving.
The drop of water hit the top of my head.
Too…
Tired to move.
Let it… drop down to my face.
The water hit the top of my head again.
I stayed there as I let it hit again.
It was cold.
Refreshing…
I don't know how long I stayed like that — head down, arms shaking, just letting it land.
My body didn't feel like mine anymore. Like I borrowed someone else's just to not get mine back.
But the dripping didn't stop.
So I moved.
I got one arm under me, then the other, then stopped before everything went black again.
I waited a little while for my vision to come back.
Then tried again.
By the time I got onto my back, the drip had stopped.
Or I had moved over too much.
I had to shift sideways to find it again.
I opened my mouth and waited.
Plop.
Plop.
That was it.
I looked up to see metal.
I didn't know why that surprised me.
Everything else was metal too — the floor under my back, the walls I could barely see at the edges of the dim light.
I stayed where I was and tried to move my hand.
Something heavy shifted with it as sound came with the movement.
I knew that sound.
I'd heard it before, from when I didn't know where I was.
I didn't move my hand again.
I just looked at the ceiling and felt the cold coming up through the floor.
My mind thought about the smell of something warm I still didn't have a name for and wondered when Mama was coming.
She always came.
Three short, one long.
I just had to wait.
The drip kept falling.
I listened to it because there wasn't anything else to listen to.
No footsteps.
No doors.
No Mama.
Just the water.
I closed my eyes.
Mama always sang when she brushed my hair.
…
How does it go again?
…
Nothing came.
I frowned.
No…
I know it.
I do.
I opened my mouth.
All that followed was more air and something that sounded like a rasp.
I swallowed.
My throat burned.
Hng… need more… water.
I tried again.
"Hh..."
Immediately, I stopped.
Feeling the burning sensation worse than earlier.
I… want to sing.
"Hmm…"
I remembered another one.
"Humm…"
Then another.
It doesn't sound right though…
Mama would've laughed and told me I was singing the wrong part again.
…
I couldn't remember what came next.
I laid there.
Waiting.
Maybe if I waited long enough…
I'd remember.
I hummed with it.
"Hmm..."
"Hmm..."
For a little while…
The room didn't feel as big.
Not because it changed.
Because Mama was singing with me.
Until I opened my mouth for the next note.
Nothing came out.
Not even a hum.
Only a dry breath that scraped the inside of my throat.
I dared not move from my spot.
"…M-ama?"
The water kept dripping.
A few minutes later…
Silence.
I turned my head.
"Ma…ma?"
The door burst open.
The light from the doorway was behind the person in the sill.
I couldn't see their face.
But they were—
The right height.
I pushed myself up on one arm. The chains clinked and I didn't care.
"Mama! Mama! I—"
Something warm hit me across my face, causing me to fall to the ground.
Did…
Did Mama hit me?
I grabbed my face and looked down.
Oh! She must be mad because I peed myself earlier.
"I'm sorry Mama. I didn't mean to do that earlier. I couldn't—"
I saw large hands emerge from the shadows and grab my shirt.
The chains clinked as I grabbed the hand lifting me up.
What's…
What's happening?
The person in the doorsill stepped inside.
The light moved with them and I saw—
That's not… Mama.
A stranger with a face I didn't know walked up to the shadowy hands.
I could see them looking at me the way older brother looked at me…
Lifeless eyes.
Cold glare.
Sadism behind their body stance.
I saw a smile grow on their face.
"Tis' time for torture, princess."
The energy in their voice was high.
Like they were overly excited.
I looked at the stranger's face for something. I thought they might've made the same face my siblings' did when they were about to do something to me.
A smile.
A twitch.
Anything.
…
There was nothing.
Just those words.
Said the way you'd say time for dinner.
I didn't know what torture meant.
Not the word exactly.
But my body did.
My body remembered the sharp thing, the hot breath, the name Charles and the strange taste of iron.
I felt a jerk sideways toward a dark area of the room.
My hands gripped the shirt of the person holding me up.
"W-wait—"
They were already moving.
The next thing I felt was a cold chair slamming my back.
I twisted a little as I felt my arms pull upwards to the sky.
"Owie."
A dark fabric was shoved over my face as I heard a scoff toward my left.
"Shut up, you mutt. You're lucky HE doesn't let us have fun with you."
That sounded like…
The voice came from the cold hands.
The hands continued to move around the chair. Like it was moving something behind me.
I heard something click.
"You know…"
The giddy voice came from my right now.
"…for someone from such a prestigious family…"
Something shifted near my feet.
"You really do look terrible."
I didn't say anything.
I turned my head toward the slow footsteps.
"Those clothes…"
I heard something that sounded like a tongue clicking.
"…someone really should've taken better care of you, princess."
The chair tilted back.
I didn't understand why yet.
"But anyway…"
The voice moved closer.
Right beside my ear now.
"How are you feeling?"
I opened my mouth to answer.
Something wet stopped me from answering.
It covered my face all at once and I couldn't find the air that had just been there. My body did something my mind hadn't decided to do yet.
It pulled.
Hard.
I was still chained, but my body couldn't do much other than flail. My ears were filled with the sounds of the chains and the moving chair.
The only thing I could think of was getting away from the wetness.
But…
I couldn't…
There was no gap, no space between one breath and the next.
I was still fighting the wet sack when I heard it.
The giddy voice.
Laughing.
Over the sound of my own body panicking.
Something grabbed the top of my head.
Then, the wet sack was ripped off.
I gasped.
The air felt wrong going in. I couldn't pace my own breathing, like how Saishio made it hard to breathe that one time.
The cackling started before I'd gotten a full breath.
"Oh—"
"Oh that's—"
They had stopped.
Only to laugh again.
"That FACE—"
I was still shaking.
Still dripping with whatever the hands poured on me.
I couldn't open my eyes further than a squint. The room lights were way brighter than before.
"You want to know something funny, princess?"
The voice dropped toward me.
"I didn't actually care how you were feeling."
They took a deep breath.
"I never do."
The footsteps moved away from me.
"The others were getting boring anyway…"
I tried to follow their footsteps, but my face was pushed up toward the sky.
Aieee!
Too bright!
"Powers developing, magic signatures spiking, one of them nearly took Rayer's hand off last Tuesday—"
A dismissive sound.
"No fun in that. No fun at all when they can actually push back."
The footsteps stopped.
"But you…"
They turned. I could feel it even through my closed eyes.
"You just keep… taking it, don't you?"
The cackling started again, but softer this time.
"No magic. No signature. Nothing."
A pause.
"Just you."
The chair tilted back and the sack was thrown back over my head.
"Again."
______________________________________________________________________________________
The steel chair finally had a dull shine to it.
I looked in its reflection to see my hair disheveled beyond belief.
If…
If she saw this, she'd be fuming.
I brought a handful of hair closer.
My fingers don't even move…
Even when I try to finger-comb.
I kept tugging my fingers through it, trying to at least get something.
Nothing…
Not even suspecting pain from my head.
Or fingers.
Figures…
I flexed my hand over the bright light.
I'm starting to lose the sensation of what hurts.
I shifted myself to lean against the chair. The chains clinked softly as I sat down.
Huh…
I never noticed that.
I flipped my hands around.
All of my nails look like my older sister's eyes, Eden…
Iridescent.
Lifeless.
A loud noise filled the room.
I grabbed my belly.
Mmm…
It's an hour past the normal time.
I barely reacted as I heard something slide in the room.
By the sound of that…
It's probably a small piece of wet, bad smelling bread.
I turned around to see an empty tray.
A giggle escaped me.
I'm not surprised by that.
Hell, I was expecting that.
I put my hand by my mouth.
Oop…
That's not a word I'm supposed to use.
I took a deep breath.
Who cares anymore…
Then, closed my eyes.
I gave up…
On anyone saving me.
Even…
Her.
The darkness behind my eyes was quieter than the cell.
Finally.
Some peace and quiet…
"…uán…"
I didn't move from my spot
No one is there for me.
So whatever that is, isn't for me.
I turned my body away from the noise.
Plus, I've never heard that voice before.
"…Fuxi…"
I scrunched my eyebrows.
Mama?
No…
That's my name, but…
She's not coming back.
Just my mind playing tricks on me.
"FÙ XUÁN!"
My eyes jolted open.
But I was not shown the cold, damp cell.
I looked all around me.
It's…
Dark?
I blinked a couple of times.
I'm definitely not in the cell anymore.
Then, tilted my head.
Wait.
That time, it sounded like…
My voice?
I got up.
I didn't know why, but standing felt better than sitting out here.
Sitting out here felt better than being in the cell.
Then I started walking.
It's… silent.
I can't even hear my own footsteps.
No.
That's not important.
The important part is…
I looked down.
There was no floor beneath me, yet something held me up.
No walls that I could find when I reached sideways. Just dark in every direction.
This dark is just…
Empty.
I nodded my head.
I could work with empty.
I recently noticed that I started talking to myself sometimes when the quiet got too loud.
When did they start giving me less food?
Was it really a week ago?
Or maybe three.
I don't remember, or really know. I'm starting to lose track of time.
I flexed my fingers before raising them.
Still iridescent.
Heh.
Should've expected that.
I reached up to push my hair out of my face the way I'd been doing for weeks, bracing for the catch and tug of it.
My hand went past my ear.
I stopped walking.
Huh?
Reached again.
My fingers found the back of my neck.
Wait…
Where's the scruff?
I patted around slowly.
I've had that long tangled weight I'd been carrying since…
Since before that day.
It's…
Short.
All of it.
I turned my head side to side, feeling the last two long tufts of hair brushing my upper leg.
Huh.
I didn't feel it happen.
I giggled a little bit.
I should probably be more worried about that.
…
Actually.
I moved my fingers through it again. Clean from root to end, no catching, no knots, no places where my hand got stuck and I had to decide whether to pull or give up.
Short and even.
I smiled a little.
Mama would've had opinions about this.
She would've sat me down and assessed it from every angle before deciding it was acceptable, even if she liked it.
She never just liked things immediately.
Just evaluated them first.
I shook my head and kept walking.
As I continued, I really thought about it
Is this space really just…
Nothingness?
Then, something stopped me.
Wait.
Something smells…
I drew a slow breath.
Familiar.
Then breathed out.
Is that?
I took another deep breath.
Yeah…
That's no mistaking—
I didn't finish the thought.
My feet were already moving.
Somewhere ahead, so far it was almost nothing.
I spotted light.
It might've been small, but it was light.
This undeniable smell…
I walked faster.
It's in the same direction as the light.
The dark started changing as I approached the light.
I slowed down without putting much thought to it.
All I could think of… was that familiar smell.
It smells…
Just.
Like home.
I felt a short, sharp pain in my chest.
I knew it wasn't from anything sharp, but that unfamiliar pain made me feel uneasy.
I ignored it and kept walking.
It's not moving.
Like it's…
Waiting for me to get in it.
I looked up toward the light.
I'd forgotten I could want things without expecting that kind of… something.
Something soft met the bottoms of my feet.
I looked down to see grass.
Real grass.
I crouched down slowly and pressed my fingers into it.
It's…
Soft, and slightly cool.
My hands glided over the lush green.
This feels too real to be true.
Hell, it feels too familiar…
I stood back up and looked back up.
A circle of light fell from somewhere above the sky. Somewhere so far up, I couldn't trace how or where the light was coming from.
As I look back down, I happen to see…
Red.
Everywhere.
Tall slender things with petals that curved back on themselves grew with lower, rounder, dark clusters that held their color close, like a secret.
Two kinds of things growing together like they'd always belonged next to each other.
So…
Pretty.
Before I noticed, my body was heading face first into the red field.
Wait.
…
Ah, forget it.
I wanna lay in the red bed.
My body dropped right in.
As I took deep breaths, all I could think of was…
Three knocks.
My lock.
The comb.
Disgusting tasting oil.
It started small.
Just a giggle, really.
But then…
It kept going.
Past the point where giggling makes sense.
It got bigger.
At that point, I couldn't recognize it anymore.
It felt like it was something that had been sitting in my chest for a long time.
Taking up space I didn't know it was using.
Now that I was face down in something soft and warm, my body decided that this was when it was coming out.
Whether I wanted it to or not.
I laughed until my stomach hurt.
I laughed until the sound coming out of me stopped sounding like laughing.
I laughed until—
Wait.
I pressed my fingers into the grass.
Something was landing on it.
What's this warmth?
I brought my hands to my face.
Was I not laughing?
Or?
…
No.
I was still laughing.
But something else is happening at the same time.
What was it?
I touched my cheek.
Wet.
I looked at my fingers.
Huh.
I didn't decide to do that.
I didn't decide any of this.
The pain I felt in my chest came back, but this time it was much worse.
Something I couldn't ignore anymore.
I pressed my face back into the grass and both laughed and didn't laugh.
I couldn't tell anymore which one was which.
Mama…
What is this that I'm feeling?
I stayed in the field until I didn't have anything left.
"What cycle is this?"
I lifted my head from the grass.
Is someone there?
I pushed myself up slowly.
Oh.
There's a…
I blinked.
There's me.
…
Why am I standing at the edge of the red bed?
I looked down at my hands.
Then back up.
I was still there.
I tilted my head.
Mirror me tilted theirs.
Heh.
It's just a mirror.
Has to be.
I turned my head away, then stopped.
Except…
Mirrors are supposed to show what I'm doing.
My head whipped back.
So why is mirror me standing up?
I blinked twice.
Mirror me kept tilting their head, like they were curious about me sitting in the red bed.
I stared.
They…
Have the same short hair.
I looked at their nails.
Iridescent, like mine.
My eyes moved slightly up.
But their eyes…
Mine aren't like that.
…
Are they?
I brought my fingers up to my own face without thinking.
I couldn't tell, but something about the way they were looking at me told me that…
This might be my long lost twin.
I dropped my hand.
"Are you… me?"
The light above dimmed to only a red silhouette of mirror me.
"Hmmm."
"I see…"
I barely saw their face when a large white smile broke through the darkness.
"This cycle…"
"WE SHALL BREAK IT!"
I jolted awake.
Hanging in an unfamiliar room.
Where am I?
The next thing I felt was a sharp, hot, stabbing pain in my arm.
"OWIE!"
Huh?
I can still feel pain?
Another one hit my leg.
I cried out in pain again.
What…
What is happening?
All I hear is muffled, maniacal laughter from behind glass.
I know that laugh.
I turn my head to see the same, giddy person.
That less than sane scientist.
Hawthorne…
"Ah, she's finally awake!"
Hawthorne wove her hand frantically.
"This…"
She then spread her hands out.
"This is my way of showing my love to you, princess!"
This time, I felt something hot in my stomach.
"OWIE!"
"OWIE!"
"THAT HURTS REALLY BAD!"
All I could hear was my own screams and Hawthorne laughing over the intercom.
"Yes!"
"YES!"
"Give me more!"
All I could think of was the grass.
That…
Grass.
It was soft.
I reached for it in between the loud bangs.
Ow…
I tried thinking about that place again.
That smell—
I cried out and lost it completely.
I have to try again…
That smell…
It was honey.
Yeah, that's—
Another searing orb hit my arm.
Honey.
The grass was soft.
The room started to darken slowly as I pressed my fingers into it.
That pulled me back into the room.
I looked down toward my shoulder.
Just to see it covered in red.
I screamed.
As tears streamed down my face, I felt a warm release coming from my pants again.
…
Who cares anymore.
No one is going to come save me.
The red field came back into view.
Those two things…
They were growing together like they'd always—
I felt myself fall through the red bed.
As I fell, I didn't reach my hand out.
Maybe it's for the best…
The red bed got further and further away as I fell deeper into the darkness.
Red.
That was the color of the flowers.
It's the same color as…
My body.
I didn't scream.
The boom sounded distant that time.
I closed my eyes as I let it envelop me.
End of the road…